Are there any reasons for having children that aren't 'instinct' or simply 'wanting'?

Question

I am trying to figure out what makes people want to have children, because I just don't get it. I can think of many good, logical reasons, as well as emotional reasons for not creating and being responsible for a new human being, but no one seems to have logical reasons for doing it. Everyone talks about instinct and love and wanting more meaning in life.

How can it be selfish to not want to have children, if wanting to have them is not an altruistic act? No one I've talked to can give me any un-selfish reasons to make a small version of themselves.

Answer 1

I believe it is most often selfish.

Up until April 2006 children were out of the question for me. I am a career woman, married to a great guy and we have a fantastic lifestyle. To take on the responsibility of another little life and taking on the challenge of devoting a big portion of my life to consciously raising that human being was such a big thing to ask of ones-self. I actually freely admitted that the reason I didn't want children was because I was too selfish with my own time, my relationship with my husband and my independence. Not wanting to give up those qualities of my life was selfish - but at least I could admit that. I think it's even more selfish to bring a child into the world and think that you don't need to give up parts of those aspects of your life.

Both having a child and not having a child can be acts of selfishness depending on your reasons. Some people have children because they want to fill a void in themselves where they feel unloved and need to have the source of unconditional love in their lives. That's a big burden to put on a child and completely selfish.

I think the most altruistic reason / purpose in having a child is that you want to make the world a better place. If you start with this purpose in your mind, and make every effort to teach your child how to be independent and the desire to help society toward a brighter future - then perhaps that is the greatest reason to create a new life.

That's why I decided to have a child. I am not the most maternal person - but I have alot of patience and love to give. I hope also that my husband and I are at a stage in life where we can practice the necessary skills not only to 'make a baby' but to do our bit to change the world for the better because of it.

Anyway - Hope that answers your question to some degree.

PS Just needed to add that having children does not necessarily have to be a result of an altruistic desire. As with all of our natural inclinations, most are selfish. We eat because we want to stay alive and we like the taste of food, we sleep because it's soo good and also it keeps us alive, we defecate because if we don't we'll die.... If you think about it, most all of our natural instincts, including procreation, are simply a matter of survival. Having children is no different - when we pass our genes on to our children, a certain immortality is attained. That is natural.

Answer 2

I can relate. From the time I was a child I knew I wasn't ever going to be a Mom...I didn't do the Barbie thing or want any kind of dolls...it just wasn't my thing. As I got older I still never wanted children...everyone would berate me and argue about how wrong I was and all the conversations I am sure you have had.
Then one day when I was 31, I had an epiphany...I totally changed my life. Changed my high stress job, moved back to my home town, ditched all the negative things in my life and basically started fresh. I got back together with the one guy who I always knew I should be with and everything just kinda fell into place.
My son will be 3 next week and I can honestly say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now I have to put up with everyone I argued with doing the "I told ya so thing" but oh well. Kids just weren't in my cards then.
If I sit back long enough...especially when watching the news of all the death & distruction...I wonder why did I bring this little kid into this world. Then he runs into the room, gives me a big hug & says I wuv you mommy...& that's why people have kids.

Answer 3

There are no ways round this one, it IS a biological drive and about wanting more meaning in life. Otherwise, why would we bother when you take into account the cost, hard work and heartache they can cause?
But the opposite is not necessarily true - that not wanting children is selfish. I applaud people who take a long hard look at their lives and say no, it is not for me; they are being responsible. I have less respect for those who have kids simply because it is expected of them or they could not be bothered to use contraception. I have 2 kids by the way, and feel it was the best decision I ever made. Nor did I ever want a smaller version of myself by the way - the thrill is getting to know who they are.

It sounds to me like you don't have that biological drive, which frees you up to do other things and is fine. Unless you have experienced it, you cannot know how intense that longing is.

Answer 4

Having children is not a selfish act at all. Genesis 9:7, "As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." Man and woman were made to procreate and produce offspring. Other than for the the obvious reason that you love someone so much that you want to share the experience of new life with that person, it was also deemed a necessity in ancient years to carry on the speciality developed by the lineage of the family trade.

Answer 5

I don't think it is selfish to not want children. Often times it is very selfish to want children. There are some that have children (they can not properly take care of) in search of unconditional love or for little playthings.
I on the other hand have no logical reason for having two sons. The reason I have them is that I was and am so in love with my wife that the emotional urge to reproduce was so strong that we had to reproduce. Of course we fought the urge until we were in our late twenties, owned our own home and financially secure. Once the logical reasons not to have kids disapeared the natural urge took over!

Answer 6

To secure a man, or steady a relationship, are two normal reasons. Some people have children to up thier chances of being offered social housing.

My ex partner an I felt we were comitted and decided that we would like to bring a life into existance to build what we thought was an already strong relationship into a family, rather than just remain as a couple.

Long term it's a bit questionable by some standards, but I love my daughter with all my soul, and the parting of her mother for another man had little effect on that. My ex and myself are still happy that we have produced our child and given her a happy fulfilling life. Yes, there's a degree of selfishness ( it makes us feel happy to see her being happy) but there's a degree of altruism too.... we gave her a life, we can never own it or have it back, or take it away, it is hers to do with as she will.

Answer 7

I don’t think wanting to have kids or not is selfish, it all depends on your reasons. I was born of someone and because of that I’m alive and living a good life. Apart from loving my partner and wanting to have a child as a further expression of our love for each other, it also means another human being is born into the world and has a chance to be who they want to be, fulfil their dreams and be a blessing to their generation maybe.

Having a child is a huge commitment and I don’t think anyone selfish would want to give and spend so much because as enjoyable as the experience can be, it also involves a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

Answer 8

I dont think it is selfish to not want children - everyone is different. I never wanted children and one day sitting on a beach in Ibiza we discussed our future and we felt that we had so much (not just material stuff) that we wanted to share it. We felt we had lots to offer a child so we went for it.

I do think that a lot of people are selfish to have had children - I know of many children that would really have been better off had they not been born because their parents arent adult enough to be parents.

I hope that makes sense?

Answer 9

Well it requires a lot of sacrifice and altruism after they are born, you know. It is a huge responsibility, but a lot of people take in on happily because as you have noticed it also has its rewards.
As for the logic, well not everything we do is guided by it, now is it? It is simply human nature to be irrational sometimes. There is a constant battle between emotions and reason.........so having children is just as falling in love.......it just feels good!

Answer 10

I had my daughter out of love for her father. If I think about it, it was just the right thing. Nothing planned just letting nature take its cource. Now thou 16 years later I have this feeling I have accomplished something great. All that I am and will ever be I can see in her eyes. I see that I have taken the positive from my life and have given it to her. My parents were ok but I missed that real human connection, and this I have with my daughter. I feel sometimes as if I was especially chosen for this task. And when my daughter was a little younger she came to me, out of the blue and said she was glad that she picked me to be her mom. So maybe its not instinct that drives us to have children, but the call of the unborn asking to have their chance at life.