my 8 year old daughter is very hard work, discipline doesn't seem to work on her advice?

Question

we are a family of 6 mum and dad and 4 kids. Our 8 yr old is youngest girl followed by her brother (if its relevant), is out of control. She frequently steals from me, once she took $300- out of my purse and convinced her dad to take her to the corner store as she had pocket money, he nearly died when she pulled out all this cash, so ok i can understand she didnt understand the value of money. WE worked hard to change that, but its things like everytime she is told off, she belts her little brother up he is 5, so i then have a crying upset little boy as well. She takes food from our pantry, and its stupid things like 2 minute noodles, and then i find them under her bed or in it, and we dont buy treats as she hunts them out and finds them no matter where we hide them. My husband bought me a box of chocolates for christmas, i went out, came back and they were gone, and its the constant denial and lying i cant take, she is a very angry agressive little girl, and its affecting everyone

thanks, i would like to think we set pretty good exsamples,they have a very safe secure homelife/environment. I have taken her to see a dr who tested her for everything, nothing came back we were refered to a psych, who saw the lovely polite child she presents to strangers, he said it was obviously our parenting!!!, i feel i am in constant tug of war at home standing between her and the other siblings she fights with, and with her father. :( the rest of the kids are fine not one issue amongst them, and we even have an 11 with type 1 diabetes.

Answer 1

Ok, I have a couple of questions

1) Does she act like this even on weekends when there is not any school?

2) Has the school contacted you about behavior issues with them?


Here is what I think and what I would do. I would contact the school and tell them that you need a behavior assessment from them. Speak to the schools counselor and tell her about how your daughter is being so aggressive at home and you need to know if this is something that is happening during the day at school too.

(I say this because my 7 year old is the same way. We have had the assessment done at school which has proven that his behavior there is absolutely normal, polite and quite respectful.) This means that during school, he controls his behavior and by the time he comes home, he is at a breaking point. And home is where you can let yourself go. So therefore he unleashes all that he has had to hide/control during the day.


Next thing, find a new psychiatrists. The one you have seen is obviously not one intended to fully understand children, is either burned out or just doesn't know what the heck he is doing! All children are going to put their best foot forward when they are meeting someone for the first time who is meant to make some sort of judgment about them. I have a 11 year old bi-polar son who is very good at doing this. After the psychiatrists got to know him better, his true colors came through and she was blown away.

Next thing (again)
Never put your daughter in a position to tell a lie. If you KNOW that she has done this, don't say to her "did you do this?" or "do you know who did this?" Be straight forward with her and tell her that you know that she did it even if she pulls the "But I didn't do it, God even knows I didn't" (my 11 year old son says this even when I know for a fact he is lying about something)

If you DON'T know for a FACT that your daughter has done something and you can only assume that she is lying about it, don't let on like you know that she is lying. What you need to do is tell her "(whatever her name is)... Thank you for telling me the truth. Telling the truth is always very important and it means you are being a very big girl to tell the truth.(even if you think she is lying, remember)... eventually she will feel compelled to tell the truth when in a situation. (My counselor suggested this years ago with my (now 15 year old) daughter.

As for the snacks and things that she sneaks into, there are just some children who will display this behavior no matter how hard you try to correct it. If you must, actually buy something with a lock on it and LOCK IT. Bring out the treats when the children have earned them.

There are a couple things to remember. There is no perfect parent, only a million ways to be a good one. When the (know it all) shrink told you it was your parenting skills, then you should have asked him "If it is my skills, then why do my other children respond so well to me, yet fear (her name) when she is around?"

IF, and I do say IF, you are unable to get any help for your child, start reporting her. If she beats up your other children and no one will listen to you or help you, it's time to call in the law. Yep, that's right. I've seen it done by two other different sets of families. After a couple times with one child, that child STOPPED being so aggressive toward the other children because he did NOT want the cops back. The other child continued to display such aggressive behavior that the cops wrote him a juvenile ticket and the courts appointed a psychiatrist and case manager to help the parents.

I hope that this helps in some way. God bless and Best wishes!

Answer 2

Time outs are really the best if done correctly. You need to be firm and consistant. Pick a place for the time out that is empty of anything at all. When you put her in a time out you must get down to her level and tell her why she is there. A 3 year old needs to sit quietyly for 3 minutes. If she gets up or screams the time begins again. If and when she quiets down you get to her level again and ask her why she was there. If she can't tell you explain to her again. I am a grandmother and you must talk to the grandparents and get everyone on the same page. They are not helping her by spoiling her. I like to take the kids places and buy them things and have them for sleep overs but I know what each set of parents expects and how they dicipline their children and I try to follow their lead. If all else doesn't work, you need to get professional help. If you think she is hard to handle now, wait till the new baby comes and she is jealous. Or when she becomes a teen - you won't be able to handle her at all.

Answer 3

I haven't heard you mention any consequences you laid down for her (being told off doesn't really count). You need to have a set of meaningful consequences in place for misdeeds. These consequences must be bad enough to curve her thought process. Experiment on what works best for her. Try the timeouts, long time outs, taking all her toys away, grounding, and YES YOU NEED TO BE SPANKING THIS LITTLE GIRL. She is aggressive because their is no authority in the home.

I can tell you from our home rules, if my daughters stole a penny from me, or beat up their younger sister, or took your candies, or lied to us they would be given a spanking. Those are clear rules in our home, they know it. I have never spanked my daughters for any of what your going through, why?? because they haven't ever crossed that line with us. We have authority, they know how far to push the line. To them, a spanking isn't worth breaking a clear rule.

Also when I mention spanking, it's exactly that. These days people call a quick swat or two to the bottom a spanking, not us. Like the old days, pants come down, they go over our lap, and we give a good old fashioned spanking. Like I said, there has to be a good deterrent for preventing this kind of behavior. If the other methods fail, nothing works better then a old fashioned spanking.

Good Luck

Answer 4

I would probably seek some professional help/counseling. I do have a friend that is a good mom and has 4 kids. One of her daughters is a particularly hard case, she has bit her mom, lied a lot, just a lot of naughtiness and my friend disciplines her well, once removing her bedroom door for her misbehaving. She tried to think of what will effect her child the most without physical discipline, but she also has given her a swat or two. Dr. Phil once said that you should remove all the child's belongings from her room leaving only a bed. Remove every and all privileges untill she shows definite improvement. She has to know you are totally serious, no matter what!!!!! Good luck to you. I know it is not easy.

Answer 5

Don't get help for just her, most of this could be traced back to her enironment which you are a huge part of. I'd suggest family counseling because it treats the family as a working unit and not just the individual by themselves (which an 8 year is arguably not a fully-grown individual). From what I've read, it seems that the child is lacking something, not a child in need of discipline. Hopefully she is not a child in need to medication, but it is still a possibilty.

Also, please don't hit the child. It can do far more harm than good.

Answer 6

The issue here is a the child...for her to be the way she is there has to be deep rooted problem that need attention...Maybe looking at the following might help
1 Children NEED loving attention and if they don't get positive attention they would do other things to get attention, even steal,to fulfill this NEED...Are your other kids getting more attention for being better kids?
2 Look at the approach you discipline her...so many of us parents forget the POSITIVE in the way we discipline our kids. Maybe look at discipline as a way to teach rather then to punish bad behavior
3 If your other kids are doing fine and she isn't....the last thing i suggest is look at the friends she has...Are they a positive influence on her..if not guide her towards friend who have parents of similar values as yours.
I hope the suggestions i made help you...GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS all 6 of you

Answer 7

My mother in law has the same kind of problems with her kids. In her cause I think it was a problem in the up bringing of her children. My mom did this one things once, when I really acted up once. My room was nothing but a matress pillow and a blanket. She picked out my clothes and If i threw a fit about it she would swat me once on the hind end. Do not slap your child in the face, don't drag her around. When she starts acting up like this simply ignore her. Just continue placing her in a place of punishment, a chair her room a spot on the floor and go along with what you where doing. However, praise her like there is no tomorrow for things she does good. This helps her know that acting up will not get her attention. Start giving her responsibilities that she can earn money with. As for taking the food, I am sure this isn't the case but, my little brother in law takes food cause he doesn't think there is enough for him and he has to hide his own stash. We took cans of pringles and had everyone have their own can with their name on it. once they ate the pringles they could put other treats like cookies and candy in it and that was their own that no one else was allowed to eat. She is old enough now, sit her down and have her help you pay the bills and balance your check book. I balanced my mom's at five and when i was eight she had me keep my own till on her account and we would compare to see how well i did at it. Because of that I understood that just cause it is there doesn't mean you get to spend it. This is also a good age to start a martial art. If she is aggressive she needs a way to release it. martial arts in a well done dojo teaches self displine and respect. She may also want to start a sport or girl scouts. When she lashes out at your son remove her from the area and put her in her room or one a chair. Anytime you do this set a timer for five mins and don't say a word to her. once the timer goes off go to her and ask her if she wants to talk about she did it. let her talk and listen carefully. if she starts getting upset or irrational tell her to calm down. there is this trick about breathing through your nose cause it makes you focus. Try talking to her AFTER she has been punished.

Answer 8

The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten by Martha Sears and William Sears

he Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well (Sears, William, Sears Parenting Library.) by William Sears, Martha Sears, and Elizabeth Pantley

Answer 9

No child decides to be "bad" like that (especially at only 8 years old). It's just "bad" parents who thinks the only form of discipline is "talking to a child" and "time outs"...

There's no need for taking her to counseling for your mistakes. I suggest you simply just show her that you are the parent and what you say goes. Not the other way around. Stop being such a wimp and start really disciplining your kid. Otherwise, she'll be worse when she is a teenager, and you'll be lucky if you don't stab yourself before it's over..

Answer 10

Try what I am trying, I saw it on Malcom in the Middle, have her kneel on both knees infront of the wall with her nose touching it with her hands behind her head and make her stay there for about half an hour. If she gets out make her get back in and tell her that she has just added ten minutes.

Keep to it, it is seeming to do some good in my case.