My 25 yr old son and his 39y/o girlfriend are just got tossed out?

Question

They moved to another state about 8 weeks ago and now they have been evicted from there apartment.There on a bus back to Florida as we speak.My son is a pot smoker and a heavy drinker.He cant get a job because he has no Diplomia and refuses to stop drinking and smoking pot and ciggeretts.He has a bad temper and has tried to push our family around when he was a teen.We have tried everything from therapy to church jail and Dr's.He refuses to see that we cant take care of him and will not take him and his g/f in.We tried to do that one time for a few weeks and it lasted 10 months!!! If our landlord finds out he has even been here we will be evicted.I hate this because i feel like im suposed to help my children but my husband and i cant stand the drinking and the drugs.We have never used drugs and hubby quit smoking years ago.We dont drink either. We tried to raise our kids to do better.
Are we wrong to close the door? What would you do?

Answer 1

Your not wrong...Let them stay with her family...I wouldnt let them in, they may never leave....

Answer 2

I would meet your son and his girlfriend at the bus station and tell them (only if you can afford it) that here is the key to a hotel room for 1 or 2 nights. This is the number for a rehab center and the shelter. It is now up to you. Reassure you son that you love him, However, it does not mean you are to be treated with disrespect or as a doormat. Good luck

Answer 3

You are not wrong to close the door and that is exactly what I would do.

You can not continue to enable your son's bad habits. Hopefully this is the event that will turn his life around and make him a useful human being.

Good luck. I know that the parental instinct is to help when possible, but he is taking advantage. Lock up tight!

Answer 4

you have to do what you think is right.but if it weir me i would tell my son he had a place to come for a short stay maybe 2or 3 weeks but there will be no drinking or drugs in my home .this will make him do too things .he will know that his stay will be short and that you wont stand for the drugs weal he is in your home. and 2 he will want his drugs so he will move out as soon as he is able. but . my son died 2 yr ago i would love to open my home to him today good luck life is to short for regrets

Answer 5

every home should have rules. once an adult, your son is responsible for himself if he has a normal functioning brain and fairly good health. drug and alcohol addiction dont count as brain malfunction. he needs to be a man taking care of a man instead of a 'boy' taking care of a man. Just tell them without using the word 'sorry' (because he isnt sorry to put this on you, right?)
that youre no longer responsible for taking care of him. he's an adult now. that's all. tell him you'll be glad to come visit him when he settles into a place. :) peace

Answer 6

I think you are right to close the doors.

I'm 54 and the step-father to 2 kids.

Over 20 years ago, when I was 32 I married a woman with 2 teenagers: a 16 year old girl and a 14 year old boy. Their father had paid child support (low amount) but seldom was seen by them.

The girl left home when she was got married at 21.

The boy we had more issues with. He left as soon as he turned 18. Just went out for a party at Christmas, decided he liked it so much - he just moved out without telling us. 6 months later - when paying rent, etc got to be too much - he wanted to come home. I said NO. His Mom said "MY BABY!"

We let him come home. He was out of high school - would work long enough to save some money. Then would spent the money on beer & partying. Wouldn't help at the house.

Finally told him at 21 - he would have to move out. As we got closer to 21, he started telling me how all of his firends were still staying at home. I told him - But didn't we make an agreement? Aren't you grown up enough to keep your word?

The wife and I had a lot of discussions over this and his conduct. She considered a divorse cause I was being mean to him.

At 21 he left the house.

Now 33, he says - having to go out on his own, pay his own bills, and knowing that no one would bail him out - made him grow up.

My wife has a sister who has a son, age 32 - who is still living at home - no job. Has girlfriends and money from parents. Parents are now retired, and are worried what will happen to him - after they pass away. What money they had saved for retirement - has been spent by him. They are in their early 60's and broke because of him.

I have an Aunt Susan, who son (54 - same as me) stilll takes money from her (age 75+). She has even bought him cars (after he was an adult). Not to be outdone, his younger brother (age 50) also takes money from their Mother. And both boys have kids (now in their 30's) who are constantly asking their grandmother (Aunt Susan) for money. And the grandchildren are dropping off their kids for Aunt Susan to babysit - whenever the parents want to disappear for a few days.

I worked (at the main office of ) at a Dept of Corrections. Talked to an ex-warden who told me a story once. About when new inmates come in they get all their hair cut off. One new inmate, didn't want a haircut. The warden thought he could talk anybody into doing what he said - so he talked to the kid. But the kid had the same attitude. Finally, all of the new inmates had thewir haircut - except this kid - who stilll said NO. So they held him down and cut it. The next day, the kids sent word that he wanted to see the warden. When the warden got to the kid, the kid told him that he was the first person who had ever told him sonething and meant it. The 1st person who had not allowed the kid to talk himself out of it. The kids said, even the judge - the first few times he was in court - fell for his BS and let the kid off with a warning. But the warden didn't. The warden said he never had any more problems while the kid served his time. That the problem had been the kid was always allowed to BS and avoided being held accountable for what he did.

Eventually your son can take enough money, etc from your family to destroy your family life. And sooner or later somebody - somewhere will hold him accountable for what he does. Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they wake up to what it ttakes to have a good life. Its time to tell your son, you cannot help him anymore, And mean it. If he doesn't grow up now - when will he? And who will take care of him, after you and your husband are gone?

My wife and I have often discuss the impact I have had on her 2 kids. I tell my wife, I am here to help teach the kids how to take care of theirself. I will not ive forever. And I will not be with the kids every minute to tell them what to do. Both kids, even when I am not there to hear it, tell their Mom they agree with my approach.

Answer 7

Been there, don that. Change the locks. Do not allow them inside your home for any reason. Be prepared to call 911. Get a TRO if you must.
Pray for them and pray for yourself and your husband..Good luck..

Answer 8

As one mother to another no you are not wrong to close the door, it's called tough love and he is 25, old enough to reap the benefits of his own actions.

Answer 9

I'm sorry but at this point if he hasn't gotten it together by now,he probably never will.You're not wrong for not letting him back home though. You seem to have done all you can if he doesn't want to help himself then how can you?

Answer 10

you tried. he has to sink or swim. you know in AA they tell them they have to hit rock bottom before they can come up again. don't support him, don't help him, until he has been clean on his own for a while. its call tough love, and that's the only way you can help. and i were you, lock your door, don't let him in, and if he puts up a fight, call the police.

Answer 11

You're enabling him if you take them in and he probably will never move out this time. You're doing the right thing by not taking them in.