My 4 year old recently started school and he does not like it, what should I do?

Question

He has never been to a daycare or anything else like it. He tells me that the teacher is mean to him. how long will it take for him to get comfortable.

Answer 1

I think that 4 years old is actually a great age to introduce kids into some sort of school environment. You don't give a lot of details with regards to how long he is there each day, class size, location as it relates to home and such, so I can only answer in a limited fashion, but here goes...

If your son has never been in any type of structured school setting before, he has likely not had to abide by other adult rules besides those at home. He is not used to having other adults mandate what he does, how he does it, when he does it and who he does it with. At school, or any sembelance thereof, he will have this happening all day long, in a nurturing way, if he is in the right place. This in itself is a huge adjustment and from the eyes of a four year old can easily equal "mean."
It is very hard at this age also to understand that you can feel more than one way at any given time. Meaning, if the teacher is telling him he must sit still on the rug for story time, he sees it as she does not approve of him. He cannot then tell himself, "she does not like what I am doing, but she still likes me." Kids this age think that if you are angry, you cannot love/care for them at the same time. He is also making this same discovery about other kids as well.
On to kids. He is adapting to an environment he has never before experienced. Have most of the kids there been in a structured setting before? Do they "know" the classroom rules? If so, he may feel like everyone else knows what to do and he does not. This could make him feel left out. Even if most of the kids are in the same boat, it takes a 4 year old a while to adjust to this new way of doing things.
I would say to try to talk to some other parents about their children's feedback without being too tell-tale; try to keep it vague. If you are getting very different feelings from others, you may have an exaggerator in your home (very common in 4s). If, however, you sense that others are feeling the way your son describes, concern should escalate.
Please ask to spend part of the day in your son's class. Come after the kids have quited down for the morning and let your son know that you must leave at [such and such.] Do not tell him before you come that you will be staying, but make sure you tell him when you are there to stay that you will be leaving. It will give you a good sense of what may be causing his troubles.
One person mentioned that teachers can be two-faced. While I do not like that term, I believe they, as all people do, show different personalities to different people at different times. Iw ould not, however, expect this to be an extreme case of that going on. Just, as usual, look for real signs of trouble...at age 4 they would be repeated days of actual physical symptoms of worry about going to school, very extreme separation anxiety (crying for more than 20 minutes once dropped off, physically or verbally acting out in the classroom, etc.).
I think it will be OK, it's a big adjustment. Just keep yourself informed and involved.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

Find out why he thinks the teacher is mean. He might be more advanced than some of the other children and he's bored and goofs off. He might also feel overwhelmed and do things to distract from the difficulties of learning. My daughter had 2 years of preschool prior to kindergarten. She could read and was in the same class as a boy who didn't know his alphabet. She was always in trouble and didn't like her teacher either. The teacher will start at the lowest level of knowledge and work up. Once you find the reason, the rest is easy.

You could always try a private preschool that offers classes a few days a week to adjust.

Answer 3

My son is 4 1/2 now and is in pre-school, and he loves it. I wish I could say the same for his first day care experience. He was 2 when he first went. He was potty trained (never had an accident, to this day!!!), but he came home for the three days he was there (we took him out quickly) and told us his teachers were mean to him and made him wear diapers after mommy and daddy left. He told us they ate rice everyday, when I asked him if they ate anything else, he said no, only rice and water. I was horrified, quit my job and stayed at home with him until he turned 3 1/2. He then went to a home day care with kids only his age, and a babysitter that was very hands on with him.
You just need to find the one that stimulates him. VISIT, VISIT, VISIT, drop ins are an excellent way to see how they run when we aren't there.

Answer 4

Four seems a little young to try to adapt to that sort of environment. Is there anyway for you to be a "room mother" and go help out in his class once or twice a week? My son is five and started Kindergarten in the fall (after nearly a year of preschool). I go every so often and just help out in class. Cut, staple, fold, help the kids with their little projects. It lets me see how the teacher is as well as how well my son is adjusting. He still has days where he says he doesn't want to go, but then when he comes home he is anxious to tell me what he did that day. I think sometimes he just gets tired of having to get up so early to get ready. Working on some of the same type projects and skills at home may also make him feel more comfortable in the classroom. Go talk to his teacher and see what her thoughts are. If he has any relatives in the same school that are a little older, see if they would be allowed to check in on him at snack time, lunch time or nap time. Just a quick hello from a familiar face might be reassuring.

Answer 5

I had this problem a few months ago with my son, he is in second grade. He went from loving school to hating it just because of one mean ol teacher. So when he says she is mean believe him you don't want him hating school this early. Go to the school and request a new teacher, if it's not possible change his school. Trust me it will be for the better. Children at this age are pretty truthful so do your child a huge favor and do what you have to do to get him away from this teacher. Not all teachers are compatible with all children. You don't want his preschool experience to be ruined it should be fun and adventerous for him.

Answer 6

How is "mean" defined. Is she mean because she is grouchy and old and should have retired a decade ago? Or is she mean because she wants him to sit during story time and walk in a line in the hallway. Children dont have the vocabulraly to get to the root of issues much of the time so they pick a word that is "close".

Can he describe what happened that was mean? Maybe he is still adjusting to having someone other than mom and dad tell him what is going on in the day... or adjusting to having a set schedule at school versus being able to pick and choose like he did at home.

If neither of those is the issue, it could be because there are things at school that are really challenging him... so they are not much fun.

Ask the teacher if he seems to be doing ok on the developmental skills.... often times preschoolers that have mild speech/language, fine motor, or social -emotional skill delays develop a dislike for school. They are of normal to above normal intelligence so they realize that they are having a more difficult time than their peers with certian tasks or projects. Not much motivation to goto school when there are things built into your day that are frustrating and overly-challenging (school is meant to challenge you to learn more, not challenge your every move).

You can request a developmental screening or assessment from your local public school division of preschool services (usually combined with the department of special services). This assessment is at no cost to you. To find your preschool agency for your state goto www.nectas.com

When all else fails and everything else has been ruled out... its just growing pains. My children know the mantra that momma's job is to goto work so she can get a paycheck so we can pay our bills and the kids job is to goto school to learn as much as they can. Its not always fun... but everyone has to do their part to be a part of our family team.

good luck!

Answer 7

Take what your son is saying somewhat seriously...Pop in randomly and see the environment, ask other parents, and former students' parents. Chances are she's not mean and if she is she'd be mean to more than one kid! Is this preschool or kindergarten...I'd say he's a little young for kindergarten...if it's preschool, you need to stick with it he needs to be in preschool! He's probably use to spending the days with you (right?) and just doesn't want to leave. Believe me, for first year kids, this IS normal! I had a first year kid accusing me that I picked her up by her hair and tossed her on the carpet, not a chance in hell I did it!!!! Kids are not as inocent as you think...they know better then anyone what to do to get to their mommy's and daddy's! Good Luck!

Answer 8

I would try to find out what is going on, never take it lightly when a child says that someone is being mean to them.

Speak to your child, speak to the teacher, talk to other parents who take their children there, etc.

Your child could just be saying things because they don't like going, or something wrong could really be going on. Either way, it never hurts to check in to things, and error on the safe side when it comes to our children.

Answer 9

That's a tough one. But, at 4 years old, if you're talking Kindergarten and not even Pre-K, 4 is really a bit too young to start actual "school" school.

If it's Pre-K, let his teacher know about the feedback, and actively work with the teacher on a solution.

Advocate now so school is enjoyable in the future.

Answer 10

Well, he's a smart kid and he feels comfortable telling you how he feels. Reward that by respecting when he tells you something isn't good for him. You certainly don't want these people evaluating and labeling him. Ugh. No way - it's asking for trouble. Trust your son.


First of all, preschool is not appropriate as a learning model for children. Children under 5 learn best in the context of a one on one relationship with mom. Social needs with other kids are not met best through preschool, as he is not necessarily spending time with people who share his interests and temperment. Also, preschool is a bore for most boys - they have to color and paste, which is not only something girls like but boys tend not to, but it is also about draining creativity and spontaneity out of the child. They don't draw their own Valentine picture - they assemble the craft they're given. It's really very sad - but also totally inappropriate for how boys want to be moving about and learning by doing relevant things.

For three years, I took my nieces to their preschool and Ks many times a week. What I observed about how boys are treated in those places taught me that my son would be homeschooled. I did give preschool a one afternoon trial for my son anyway, because of the perceived social pressure, and my son was adamant that he did not like it.

He is now almost 14, is active in theatre groups and music lessons and chess club and more, and is smart as anyone I've ever met. He didn't need preschool and I believe he benefited a lot from having his perceptions and opinions about what was good for him trusted.

Your son will benefit from the same respect for his self-knowledge. And his brain will benefit from not experiencing the mind-numbing approach of group schooling.