What should i do about my son!?

Question

My 12 year old son dosn't listen! When i tell him not to do something, he does it anyway! Then he gets in trouble for it, And then he does something mean to other people whenever he gets in trouble. Like on time he got in trouble for not participating in class. Well he's failing that class. He got in trouble, and he took the disc out of his older brother's laptop wich had all of his work on it, and that was the report my oldest son was supposed to take to school the next day, well he kept it until 3 weeks after the report was due, and told his brother he had used the laptop and played a game, and took out the disc and missplaced it! Then there was this time when he got an E in english, and we grounded him, he took his twins money while he was sleeping, and he *accidentley* spilled maple syrup, and cofee on his twins report. I need help with my son! Me and my husband have tried everything! He's a nice kid until he gets in trouble! What should we do!?

Answer 1

What's an E in elnglish?

Answer 2

Hi Anne,
Well, I can think of two general things you need to do. Make sure he WANTS to do well in school and at home. Encourage him when he is doing well, help him see that being in your family is a good thing. Spend some fun time with him and be there to listen to him.
You also need to really think about what will REALLY get his attention when he messes up. If there is a serious consequence, then maybe he'll think twice before being destructive. If he's goofing off at school, maybe you need to go with him and sit next to him in all of his classes (or at least threaten it!). If he is not respecting his brother's stuff, maybe he has to use his own money to replace it.
Basically, you're gonna have to put some brain power into this.
Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure you made a lot of mistakes when you were a kid-so don't make him feel terrible about himself. Also, he's really getting older now, even if he doesn't always act like it--but if you try to treat him like a young man, maybe he'll straighten up.
My 12 yr. old daughter always seems to rise to the occaision when I give her more responsibility.
Good luck

Answer 3

As an outsider it sounds like he's starving for attention. How much one-on-one time do you spend with him? He's doing a lot of things that attract attention even if it is negative attention. In his mind any attention is better than none at all.

Make sure you and your husband each spend time with him and him alone both individually and as a couple. When you've garnered his trust a bit ask him why he does these things. "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer so you need to press him for an answer. Explain to him that you love him as much as you love his siblings but that sometimes you get busy and can't focus on him but that it doesn't mean that you love him any less that any of the other children.

If this doesn't work then you need to speak with his teachers and even his pediatrician. Find out what's happening in school (not just the lessons but the social aspect too). The pediatrician will be able to rule out anything is physically wrong with him (it doesn't sound like there is but better to be safe than sorry).

Answer 4

He's pretty jealous that his siblings can do homework but he can't. He probably doesn't have ambition, but he wants it. I have that problem too sometimes, but I don't act so terribly. I understand that he's a nice boy, maybe you should start monitoring his school work.. make calls to school, he'll probably be even angrier that your having his teacher pay special attention to him but if he starts doing better he'll be less likely to lash out.

As for the trouble he makes when he's in trouble, well it's impossible for you to monitor him 24/7 for the 18 years he's a child, but it's perfectly okay for you to assume that the next time someone else's school work goes missing.. he'll have something to do with it. People say ignoring the problem will make it go away, but that's not fair to your other children because he's taking it out on them and that's just not fair! Try to confront him on why he did it, try to get him to talk. If he doesn't, send him to his own room (without any TV, videogames, etc. preferably his OWN homework) until he cools down.. if he shares a room with his twin, he should probably be put in the dining room or somewhere pretty boring. He'll get the hint that he can't keep acting like a baby sabotoging his siblings HW so he'll look better. He has to earn that kind of approval himself.

Answer 5

Your son is definately showing some serious behavioral problems. Kids at any age need structure in the home, & clear & predictable consequences for their behaviour. When they behave well, they need to hear it, & be praised for it. But when they behave badly, they need to know that there will be consequences, & what they will be.

Somewhere, somehow, your 12yo has learned that when you discipline him, that he can control his consequences by lashing out with some of his own. This must be true, or he wouldn't be putting it into practice for very long.
It also seems that he is under the impression that if he gets punished, then his twin must be punished also. Very unfair. It seems to be turning into a "good twin" "evil twin" sort of thing, & he has taken on the identity of the "evil twin". If he has been labelled as such (either by himself, or others) then he will tend to live according to the label. If this is true then he needs to be set free of that label, or he will carry it for the rest of his life.

There are so many fantastic resources available today for parents. I am now a grandfather, but I wish that I had some of the programs on TV like Dr Phil, & Supernanny while we were raising our son. We could have had so much more peace in our home.

You will want to get this bad behaviour in check before it gets any worse. (I predict it will get worse, unless you do something now). If you have tried everything you know, then you absolutely must go for some outside help or councelling. You owe it to your entire family, but especially you owe it to your son.

Meanwhile check out this website http://www.drphil.com/articles/category/4/

Dr Phil has a book called "Family Matters" that may help you as well, you will find effective parenting advice in there.
Done right, you can have your son's behaviour under control in a few days, (not weeks) so get on it right away, & make it JOB ONE!
Good Luck!

Answer 6

Take it from someone who hasn't been in your position but has been in your sons position. Perhaps you didn't go through this with your older child, but a lot of kids go through a "rebellious" stage. Being a twin can also be hard because you're constantly trying to be different from someone who has many of the same features and personallity aspects that you do. Don't get me wrong, what he is doing is wrong, and you have to punish him. If he continues to be failing in school, take the computer away, talk to his teachers and ask for a constant update of his progress in school, and take all extraciricular activities away, included electronics, until both his grades and his attitude improve. Remember, don't give in to his perhaps annoying and troublesome behavior because you think it is easier, stick to a harsh punishment until he learns his lesson, which may take longer than you hope. No matter, if you discipline him he will outgrow this awkward stage and age.

Answer 7

You should see the counselor in his school. How does he treat the kids at school? He might need to talk to someone other than you and your husband. I don't advocate spanking but...my mom spanked me when i was a child and I think I've turned out pretty da_n good and so did my children, but that was a different day and time. Talk to his counselor and she can lead you in the right direction. Good luck!

Answer 8

try positive reinforcement. some kids do bad stuff because they think that's the only way to get your attention. try something like a good behavior rewards jar. buy a 25 piece puzzle then when hes good a piece goes in when hes not a piece comes out. lay out the rules then be consistent. when he gets all 25 then reward him with something he likes or wants. up the ante each time it will work promise.

Answer 9

We had a lot of problems with our 15 year old son. Anger, apathy, etc. We took him to a center where a psychologist had him tested and found out he had ADHD. Now we get him the help he needed and he is a LOT better. Hope this helps.

Answer 10

You and your husband need to let them know who you are his PARENTS!! the both of you need to be very firm with his discipline!! A reason he may be acting this way is because he needs attention and you guys are not giving it to him so he does things to get NEGATIVE ATTENTION!!! GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 11

this may sound kind aharsh but spank him n try being a little asseritve u kno not 2 asseritve n agressive but u kno take the thing he has to have like tge tv or sumting or the video game for atleast half the day u might seee sum imporvement