How and when would be a good time to tell my son that the man he calls daddy isn't his real father?

Question

My son is 3 years old and I know he is way too young to understand now but I worry about how I will tell him one day that my husband and the man that he calls daddy isn't his real father. His real father wants nothing to do with my son. I have tried so many times but he refuses to take responsablity for him. I am married to a wonderful man that loves my son as his own and my son loves him. I know one day he will want to know why we all don't have to same last name. What do I say? My husband does want to adopt my son but I still think we should tell him one day. When and how?

Answer 1

if you are going to tell him this kind of thing than you should tell him early or never. If you wait till he is older he will resent you for not telling him and if he is much older he may take the "you are not my father , you have no right to tell me what to do" stance, which will only hurt his relationship with your husband. My son is 4 and knows that babies grow in mommies tummies and daddy and mommies make the babies and that when they are big enough the doctors take them out. You might want to start there. Then explain to him that the man who helped make him was not ready to be a daddy, but your husband was. I think it is a good idea to let your husband adopt him, this way he is his daddy legally as well as in practice, and if it is something that your son has known for as long as he can remember (he wont remember not knowing if you tell him this early) he wont have a problem with it. Kids take their cues from their parents, if it is not an issue for you it will not be one for him, unless you make it an issue by not telling him.

Answer 2

I am going through the same situation. When my son was 2 years old, he asked me where his daddy was. I did not know what to say. So all I said was "I don't know, let's watch a movie" That seemed to satisfy him for that moment. Even if I knew what to say, at 2 years old he still would not understand. I met my fiancee when my son was 3, he is now 5. He calls my fiancee daddy. My fiancee is the only dad my son knows. There will come a time when I will explain to him who his real father is. It's not going to be easy, because I still don't know what to say. I do know that I will not talk bad about his real father even though he doesn't want anything to do with my son, because that will make me look and sound like a bad person. He has never seen my son and has never made an effort. I do know I will tell my son that I'm sure that his real father loves him in his own way, and that it is not my son's fault that he is not around. I would definately try to tell him before someone else does, because there are people out there that are that cruel.

Answer 3

So many very good answers! Stephanie is right, that you give him age-appropriate answers and a little more information each time until he is aware of his heritage.

His eventual schoolmates will discover he's adopted and if he's not comfortable with that fact early on (and settled with your husband's love for him) it will be devastating and a hurtful experience.

Let your husband adopt him and change his name early on. You can still tell him about his biological father, especially if his skin or features are very different. But this way, you have the control over the pace of your son's acceptance and you'll be able to safeguard his emotions and psyche.

Your husband is a very special man and your son is very lucky!

Answer 4

I was in exactly the same situation. My daughter's biological father was no longer in the picture, and the man I was and still am with, was always dad since she was 8 months old. I told my daughter when she was about 7 years old. She was old enough to understand about divorce, step parents, ect. I explained to her that while her daddy didn't create her, that he had always been there for her and loved her, therefore he was her dad just not the one who made her. Sure, she had questions, got sad and mad, it's alot for a child to take in and understand. She understood and was happy that her dad was her dad and that it was not going to change. Only you will know when your son is ready for you to tell him, but the younger ( in the range of understanding ) the better. Don't wait until he's a teenager or you might have real problems!

Answer 5

I would start telling him now. He may not fully understand, but if you wait any longer, it may come as a shock to him and he may have a harder time absorbing it. I would just tell him that the man he knows as daddy didn't actually help in making him, but that doesn't mean he isn't his daddy. He has loved him, supported him, and cared for him, and that's what makes someone a daddy, not DNA. Just keep telling him and one day it will click, but it will also sound normal because he's been hearing it. Reassure him that just because he's not his real daddy, he's not going anywhere, and that he loves him very much. Also, if you are religious, you could tell him that God picked (your husband) to be his daddy because He knew how much (your husband) would love him.
Good luck, that's never easy.
I have to explain to my daughter why daddy and mommy don't live together like other parents...

Answer 6

with out extra info this is impossible to grant you a stable answer. There are some factors right here that would achieveable make a super distinction: a million) How previous is he? Is he a sprint boy nevertheless residing at homestead who could be devastated with the aid of this? Or is he a grown guy now? 2) Is the guy he calls daddy nevertheless in his existence & a superb functionality kind? Or are you split/splitting from him and a clean wreck could someway make issues extra straightforward for the two you & the boy? 3) How in all probability is he to confirm from somebody else? If bio dad is getting back interior the image, or some merciless youngster at school is going to tell him, etc. then you definately've extra of an pressing concern than if no person else knows & you will desire to have the means to hold this secret on your grave. a super form of those factors come again to a key attention that would desire to be on the middle of the undertaking--what's interior the main suitable interest of the youngster. do not tell him just to ease your judgment of right and incorrect, or perhaps to objective and get $$ out of bio dad, and actual not for spite someway against the guy he calls dad. How could it benefit him to appreciate the fact, or injury him to proceed not understanding? that would desire to be the factors you employ to come again to a determination. in case you commit to maintain it to your self for now, you would be able to evaluate leaving the advice for him upon your death, or making plans the thank you to tell him while he's grown in case he cares for geneology purposes or something, in case you're specific that the understanding does not be volatile to him someway.

Answer 7

i agree ONE DAY he should know. Even if your husband adopts him your son should still be told who his blood father is. My ex husband was adopted at 2 by his moms husband he did not know till he was 31 that man was not his blood dad. He was so hurt they lied to him his whole life. I would advice to tell him when he's young like 7. Waiting till he's a teen is a bad ideal because teens are going thru huge hormonal changes and are trying to find there own way throwing something this big at a teen is a real set back. Telling him at a younger age ensures no one else in the family sneaks and tells him he will handle it better coming from you when he's still young.

Answer 8

I'm in the same position. My son is 20 months and has only known my fiance as his daddy. After we are married in Feb, my fiance will adopt my son. I have a photo album with pictures of his biological father and have written all the info I have on him down in the book that way when my son is older he can have it. I'm already worried about the best time to tell him. My fiance was in the same situation. He was raised by a man who wasn't his biofather. He found out when he was 15. He wanted to find his bio father and his mother helped him and went with him to the reunion. He was angry at first but as soon as he met his biofather he understood why his mother and father had done what they did. This may not help much but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Its sad that men like our sons biofathers give other men such a bad name. Take Care honey.

Answer 9

I have always told my children (now 15 and 16) the complete truth even before they can understand it....they grew to understand just like they grew to understand what water is ....and i would say "biological father" not real father...isn't he lucky he has two dads, one who gave him life and the other to show him how to live it....I have always told my children your biological father gave me the greatest gift, he gave me you two....and I have always said He did not do anything TO you he did something FOR you by letting you grow up stable and loved, without confusion. Kind of like giving you up for adoption, I just happen to be your biological mother. and it worked in their favor that they were so young....they are watching some of their friends whose parents are either getting a divorce or do not get along and fight alot...my kids always say they feel lucky thier life has never been like that....they did not suffer. Right now begin saying to him how lucky he is to have two fathers, so many people love him....when he is ready he will ask, small questions at first and then more sophisticated questions as he grows and matures.....just anser him matter of factly. Your husband should be in on this as well

Answer 10

Wow. Umm I would start now by explaining that a Dad is the one who loves you and spends time with you. That some kids have a birth father and a Daddy. It is okay to love them both. That he is lucky to have a Dad and a birth father. Afraid if you wait too long to tell him he will feel shocked. I wish you and your son the best.