Why Does My Husband Bring His Law Enforcement Attitude Home When He Is Off Work?

Question

WHY DOES HE BRING HIS ATTITUDE HOME? WHY DOES HE ACT LIKE EVERYONE IS A DAMN FUGITIVE HE IS GOING AFTER INCLUDING ME AND OUR DAUGHTER, I UNDERSTAND HE IS ALWAYS ON CALL AND ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE BUT DOES IT HAVE TO AFFECT EVERYTHING AND THE ATTITUDE NEVER LEAVES ALWAYS HAS A HARD ***, MEAN AS HELL EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE AND RARELY SMILES, NEVER GOES ANYWHERE WITHOUT A WEAPON AND ALWAYS HAS HIS "TOOLS" WITH HIM IN HIS DUTY BAG, IS THERE SUCH THING AS A DAY OFF? OR IS THAT A FALLOCY I WILL NEVER SEE.....I AM JUST WONDERING WHAT I COULD DO TO LOOSEN THINGS UP IF ANYTHING...SOME HELP WOULD BE NICE ANY ADVICE??

Answer 1

I worked for 12 year at the Virginia Dept of Corrections. In my opinion, what you see will never go away, but you might get it adjusted.

At any time, at anyplace - your husband could run into someone he has arrested or a friend of someone he has arrested. Some gangs even have a "hit list" for anyone who is a cop or correctional officer. He may need his weapons and his TOOLS to defend himself and his family.

When I was at Corrections, all wardens and top official were required to carry a gun at all times. At work - and when they left. And they were concerned about the growing impact of gangs.

I visited a prison once, and trying to be a gentleman - walked at the end of our group as "protection" as we went thru the prison. The woman who was leading us, called me aside and said: I know what you are doing - but its not right. You could cause me to put my guard down when I walk here alone. She was right - so I got in the front of the group. (She didn't say it this nicely.)

The federal government has "institues" to work with different sectors of the state and local government - to see what their problems are; then to do research; and to offer training on the BEST SOLUTIONS.

I only know about the National Institute of Corrections [ NIC ] (website below) - they deal with prison and jail issues. A Correction's employee can sign up for their version of Yahoo Answers and post questions to other Corrections employees across the nation. Anyone can also download copies of some of their published research papers for free.

About 4 years ago, one of the issues they were addressing was public safety staff taking their work home with them and its impact on their family life. Staff may see a lot of really mean and cruel behavior. The NIC offered training classes on how to deal with the issue - each jail or prison could request someone to come in and provide the training. Family members, including children, could attend. The training was paid for by the jail or prison.

Some jails and prisons do not want to admit issues like this exists. So they do not promote the training - wouldn't that be admitting there could be a problem?

There is probably another institue more for poilce officers, but I do not know what it is. You might try the website below for the Dept of Justice and send them a email seeking resources for a police officer.

I worked at Corrections for 12 years. I did research and computer work - maybe 3 visits to a prison during that time. Yet, I picked up some on the language, sense of humor, etc because I dealth with some of the people who had been on the front line with the inmates. After about 2-3 years, I went back to my former employer for a meeting to coorindate some computer changes across agency lines. One of their managers made a crack to bait me. Without thinking, I replied with a common reponse heard at Corrections. The entire group - about 15 people froze. They had never heard anything like that comment and thought I was really mad as he**. I wasn't upset. But my comment really changed the mood of the meeting. But at Corrections, it would have been received as if I had said (Bart Simpson's) Eat My Shorts.

Answer 2

The problem that you are facing is not new. As a new cop I was the same way we called it the"Wyatt Earp Syndrome" It is a tough job to leave at the office, but there has to be a balance. I know that unless he has other interests you will be divorced, and unless he realizes that the world is not out to get him and he does not have to same mankind by himself then he is heading for some very serious trouble. But you have got to understand that in my twenty years I have seen things that no human being should see, and that does leave a permanent mark.As far as counseling cops do not trust strangers that will never work.It is very hard work to be married to a cop. But if you love him find a way to deal.

Answer 3

I've been in this business for 22 years so far. Most young cops have "brass button fever". They also have a tendency to become drunk with the power and the authority that the law allows them. However most seasoned officers do not act like this and only have to do so if the situation warrants it.
Bringing home the job is bad. I've avoided the additional stress and problems you are experiencing because at the end of the day I leave all that crap behind. I carry no off duty gun except to and from work. once home it's locked away. If i go out (and especially with my wife) I never carry it. I'm not that much of a "hero" when it comes down to it and having it will get you in hot water somewhere along the line. Cops carrying off duty guns with attitudes like your husband's are on the fast track to some type of stupid occurrence happening...mark me on this...I've seen it plenty of times.
I value my time off and although the career has been very good to me it never ceases to amaze how many people out there can't manage their own lives. Nothing I like better all those years than solving some simpleton's problem only to come home and start working on my own.
Your husband should realize (and they usually do after it's too late) that your family and especially your wife, aren't the problem or your enemy.
But...my solution? I believe that cops like that need to get a good clock cleaning. I'm not talking about a terrible beating but during your career you're going to be forced to go knuclke to knuckle with someone who'll get the best of you. If only temporarily but just the same...you take a thumping that upon reflection could have been avoided. From that point on you either look back and think of another approach that could have been used to avoid the situation escalating or you quit because you've fallen from the horse and are too scared to get back on.
In any case your hubby needs to mature. If he's going to exert control over people lives in this field because he has to the attitude will deep six him quickly.
His ego is big and has a large appetite. Telling him about his lousy attitude will only make things worse because his ego will be bruised and he'll be able to say things to you that he ordinarily wouldn't be able to say to the average civillian. So...the ball's in your court. Unless you start pointing this out and drawing the line and let him know there are some things you just will not tolerate than you're stuck.
If he has more than 10 years on then I'm afraid he'll never change. If he hasn't seen the light and knows how to handle people as well as keep home and work seperated than there is not changing to take place. Good luck.

Answer 4

I had been a cop for many of yrs. It is NOT easy to not be the"cop" -it takes alot of work to be at ease as we are always looking out for the other's welfare( family especially)----it is built in to never let your guard down. This si something that you may not like, but will have to accept or it realy plays hell on the marriage. as you said we are never off duty even though we are at home.

Answer 5

I agree with everything Quasimodo says. You can tell he's a very wish season cop. Listen to him. I have the same attitude, I've been a cop for 15 years.

Answer 6

Some people can turn work off, others can't. With cops, the job is a life-style moreso than just a job. You will have to explore ways to let him know you don't want to worry about being cuffed or read your miranda rights......

Counseling may be in order.....

Answer 7

I think maybe his job is getting to him,i think he needs some sort of counseling.Being a policeman's wife is scary enough,it's worst when you have to deal with a husband that act's the way he do.Try this site please,

www.policewivesonline.com

Answer 8

It sounds like he's controlling. Mabey you two need to go to counciling. I doubt he'd go for that though. Take him to Dr. Phil. He'll straighten his butt out.

Answer 9

Ask. Your. Husband.

Answer 10

Since Tasers are "not harmful", I see some shocking events unfolding in your future.