why do stepfathers act so controlling to children who are controlling to fit in shoes they will never?

Question

step fathers who have no children,with big dreams of being the best parent by trying to act stern.am 19years grow up with no father I dont need someone to control my life now.I can make my own decisions,I have learnt to take care of myself,look out for my younger brother and kept him out of trouble so far so good till he came along only known him for two years and he wants to run my life too.how do I show him I am an adult who makes solid decisions,and not a smalll kid who needs to be watched over.am in university now.

Answer 1

Well, you talk with him like an adult and tell him that you appreciate that he is concerned about your well being but he has to understand that you are 19 (a legal adult) and have not only spent most of your childhood without a father, and thus making your own decisions, but have spend that time looking out for your younger brother as well. He can't expect to just suddenly step in and try to fill in for the past 19 years. Let him know that you appreciate his guidance and friendship and suggest that your relationship might be much stronger if it was more about friendship and mutual respect than about trying to push the whole "dad" thing.

Also, don't forget that it is a two way street. He probably truly does have your best interest at heart and, although you are used to looking out for yourself, he has been around the block a few more times and may have something to say that is worth listening to.

Answer 2

Some times when a man is stepping in to a relationship with a woman who has children and he's never had any, he might think that 's doing whats expected of him. My sister and I were really young when our step dad came in to out lives. Your step dad might also be trying to be the father figure in you life that you lacked. I'm sure that your mother is a great mother but mom cant be dad too. you know? Since you feel that your step dad is being too controlling sit down with him have a cup of coffee, tea or what ever and talk to him, thank him for making your mom happy, and for all the effort he's putting in to the family, tell him that he's doing a great job, and ask him to relax a little he doesn't need to try to fit in 19 years of fathering . By doing this you are having an adult conversation with him and at the same time keeping the peace between both you and your mom, your mom and step dad and you and your step dad. Be calm and conduct your self as an adult it may make him realize that you are more responsible then you are given credit for. Good luck, and if this doesn't work talk to your mom. who knows you better then her. :)

Answer 3

Ok, controlling people can be difficult to deal with, but he is your Mom's husband, and if you want a decent relationship with her, you ought to try to deal with him effectively. That said, any parent of a 19 year old college student could possibly have these same issues with you. If he's paying for college, you should really watch how you handle this, or else that priveledge may be taken away. (it's not your right you know). So when you feel the steam rising to the top, because he's being unreasonable or controlling, step back and think of ways, calm ways, you could point out pros and cons. Think of him not as a parent, but a sale. How can you calmly and rationally argue your point, pitch the sale, so that you and he can talk about your disagreements without drama? Surely you can figure this out, and it will be good practice for you anyway. At the very least, you can always say to him, "it looks like we don't agree at all on this decision, how would have handled it when you were my age?" and see what he says. Good LucK.

Answer 4

Be realistic about the situation. If you are 19 years old then you know that you make mistakes. Likely the same mistakes that HE made when he was your age. Maybe he's being hard nosed to try to keep you from screwing up like he did. One other thing to consider...even though you're in University now, the rules that he's making are applicable in his house. Don't like the rules? Fine, but find another place to live and a means of supporting yourself. Can't do that? Then show the man some respect and play by his rules...That's actually life, my friend. You always have to play by someone elses (the boss) rules until you can make it on your own (own your own business). Most of the time the boss means well...you just don't know it yet.

Answer 5

Step fathers without children often do things in the way they think they would if they had their own kids. They want to be looked up to for their advice. Sometimes they just don't have the experience of raising a child. They didn't know you growing up but still want to shine as a parent. If he is a nice guy, give him a sweet fathers day card( does not have to be fathers day) after that, when he butts in tell him, thank you for his concern and do what you will. If you make the wrong choice and he brings it up, tell him he was right and tell him what you have learned from your mistake. Mistakes and fathers are great teachers.

Answer 6

If you are currently in university then you should be mature enough to have an open minded and honest discussion with this man whom your mother has brought into your life (for her happiness and not yours sorry to say). Inform him of how he makes you feel when he treats you the way he does and how his appearance has changed things with your lifestyle. I am in the same position that your stepfather is and my stepdaughters are very comfortable talking with me and letting me know when I might be overstepping my boundaries. Give the guy a chance also as he is just learning his role and may need some guidance from a mature stepson. Best of luck and I bet that he will respect you for approaching him and informing him of what is troubling you.

Answer 7

Having raised 3 boys, one is now 19, I have some in site. I re-married when my boy was 10. He has felt the same way you do ever since the beginning. Step-parenting is REALLY TOUGH! My wife has tried the same thing your stepfather is doing, and it does not work. It is not advised for a stepparent to do any disiplene. Only the biological parent should. All family advisors will agree with this. Discuss it with your mother if you feel comfortable enough.

Answer 8

Is he really trying to control your life or is he showing you that he cares??? Sometimes when you are too close to the situation it is hard to distinguish between the two. Step back and take a mature look at the situation, see if he is controlling or loving. If he is being loving, let him, you've never had a father, so it might be nice to have one now. If you still think he's being controlling, there's not much you can do, except suck it up when you visit your mother.

Answer 9

My Grand daughter is going through the same thing right now. We had a long talk about it in late August and I tried to talk to her Mother (my daughter) to no avail. Her Step Dad calls her or e-mails her at least 7 times a day and she feel she is being Stalked by him. I wish that I could of helped her, when I tried to talk to her Mother, she stomped around and yelled at me that this man makes her feel like she has a real family. He is doing the same thing to my daughter, she can't go to the store without him calling or e-mailing her several times, she likes it.
My Grand daughter watches out for her little brother also. I want you to know your not alone and there really will come a day that it will end one way or another.
Wish I could help you, head up young person.

Answer 10

i think men come into the picture and think they can do a better job then whats been done no matter how well you have already done men tend to have some control issue i know just what you are talking about though..in your case i would suggest that you just keep doing what you are doing and dont let this man bother you cause if he has no kids he really has no idea what he is really doing your old enough to just ignore him i mean unless he is telling you something that you really should listen to