Mums and daughters relationships...why can they be so hard?

Question

I am 33 years old, and just had a bit of a run in with my Mum. She is single, living on her own, and very young for her 60 years. We had a discussion about the fact that neither my brother (37) or myself listen to her when she is low. Is this normal, it is true, both my brother and myself find it so hard to hear her when she is low. And she says how she listens to us both all the time (which is true to an extent, altho my brother would deny this, he feels he has noone to talk to, so he is seeing a councillor)
I do find it really hard when she calls and her voice is low, and I really don't know what to say to her. We both also feel that she just doesn't help herself, we both feel she is quite a weak character, but this she would deny vehemently.
This is really hard to put into writing, but would just love to hear about the relationship between other people and their mums, and whether you can listen to her when she is depressed.........thanks for reading.....

Answer 1

I never used to have a good relationship with my mother, I think I was just too like her, she used to phone when she was down and would say "Its just how I feel". I think on some level we expect our parents to be there for us but dont expect them to need us in any way.
Try and really hear what your mother is saying to you and be practical where you can.
I lost my mum 2 years ago and would give anything to hear her say "its just how I feel"

Answer 2

Knowing where u r coming from, yet, on the other end, I am a mom, and have a wonderful daughter that does listen to me all the time,whether she feels like it or not. My suggestion to u is to listen really truly listen to your mom, she needs u (& her son) to just listen!!!! If you live close bye, stop in and see her!! And when she 'low','depressed', listen, give her a hug, and also give her some advice, let her know that it does bother u when she is low, It may not be easy, but u both may find out what is really truly bothering your mom. Good Luck !! Hope I helped !!! If not, e-mail me, and I'll try to think of something else to help u out.By the way, My mom & I have a close relationship, but it was better before my spouse became controlling,& very posessive of me. My rule of thumb is like this, everyoone has problems, everyone needs someone to just listen to them,so listen, give oppinions when needed & asked for(don't take offense if not used), but, mainly, always be there for your family.

Answer 3

It's natural not to want to hear anything depressing from anyone, but it's also an instinct to love our mothers. That's why you're finding it hard to reconcile.

We all know that we are "require" somehow to love our mothers, because all the reason given by the other answerers. But it's truly hard for a lot of people.

So, you need a technique. A practical know-how. Try loving-kindness meditation. It's a training in a way of thinking that helps development more love for not only your mother but yourself and everyone else around you. It doesn't hurt to try.

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

I'm 37 and live quite a long way from my mum. When we are about to visit her, or have her visit us, I get really excited and look forward to it. Alas, as ever, disaster. My mum is of the ilk that she has always had it worse than me. At the moment for example, I owe quite a lot of money after a huge Christmas with 3 children. To my mum it is nothing to worry about because when I was a child, she owed much more than me, and that she lived on cream crackers and brown sauce to ensure I had a good xmas. Talk about a guilt trip!! If I have a cold, my mum has got the flu, If I have a headache, my mum has a migraine! I am now, as I am getting older ignoring it. I make all the right noises with regards to sympathy etc, and when I feel angry I try to remember that she is my mum, and that I only get one. Ask yourself, how would you feel it anything happened to your mum, and then gauge your feelings against this response, (ie), is it really worth getting stressed just because you have to listen to someone who needs to talk? I would also suggest that you try to persuade your mum to see a councillor, even if it means you doing it as a family. Good Luck.

Answer 5

It doesn't mean you are a weak character if you get low. It's hard to cope with depression and it takes great strength to deal with it.

My relationship with my mother is bad as she won't ever admit that my father was horrid to me. She is in denial and it causes arguments all the time.

My mother never listened to me so Im in counselling. So maybe your mum is in denial about your brother. They will never admit there is anything wrong in the family.

If you are very depressed your voice is low as your mental energy is low and it affects all of your other senses.Also your self esteem is affected and you feel nervous and self conscious.This makes your voice into a whisper sometimes.

Don't condemn your mother for this. Depression or low mood is horrible and the worst thing about is the reduction in energy. Its horrible

Answer 6

Oh, this is so sad because it kind of reminds me of my relationship with my daughters. They are both very out going and have tons of friends. I'm not like that, and having lost both my husband and my parents within 5 year I think I may be a little depressed, and I would like it if my daughters would talk to me about how much I hurt sometimes, but it's like they don't want to hear it or they don't have anything to say because they don't want it to bring them down I guess. How about a little compassion? You're mom sounds like she is hurting. I've been to counselors, but I would love it if my daughters would just talk to me a little. I always listen to them and try to help them though hard times, but I don't get the same response. It really hurts sometimes when I try to talk to them and all I get is "oh, mom, you need to move on."

Answer 7

like that commercial says depression hurts but it doesn't make you a [ weak character ] maybe you two should take her to a public place for dinner or lunch and have a adult conversation on depression.i talked to my mom about hers she is now on paxil and showing signs of being happy again it takes time and penitence.i do agree it can be hard to be a listening ear for someone but,what ever is bothering your mom definitely should be addressed by a professional that's not going to judge her..some times people need help to help them selves.good luck.p.s. i am 46 a mother and a daughter ,i hope that my daughters and sons will love me unconditionally and if i need some help they will be there to the best of their ability.

Answer 8

my mother has gone through some 'lows' just like almost everyone goes through at one point or another.

remember that you are her number one support system (you and your brother) it is important that you listen to her, yes, it is hard but none-the-less very important. feel lucky that she doesn't close you out of her pain...

i understand that you feel very burdened by her problems...and that brings out frustrations. offer to listen to her, but maybe also suggest that she see a counselor (like your brother) to have someone not as close to the situation give her an un-biased listening ear.

encourage her to do things with you and your brother that are fun activities that take her away from this depression that she is in...it can be as simple and dinner and a movie...

Answer 9

hi, since my dad died 5 years ago, my mum came and moved in with me and my husband and two teenage daughters. life can be very crazy sometimes with all them women in the same house. my mum is only 63 and is very active, she runs a nightclub day and night and her pass time is going bingo, making cards and doing the garden. she keeps herself busy as you can see.
when dad first died, she was unbearable to live with, she was always feeling down which is understandable. i was scared of her killing herself too. time is a great healer and its not always perfect, we row and then we make up. but at least we have each other to share the pain. when i come home and moan because of work she wants to go and hang somebody for upsetting me.
i hope you get something out of this reply, maybe your mum if not working could get a little job or take up a hobby. as for you just grin and bear it, one day it could be you and your daughter in the same situation !! xxx

Answer 10

this is the same old thing repeating it'self , mothers are suppose to be there for their children not the other way around, get her to go to the doctors or better still look in the lonly hearts with her so she can find a companion, this is somthing you should not have to deal with,she is being selfish shes not old and past it she needs a mate....