Long Distance Relationships?

Question

I met a guy in October while on vacation who does not live in the same state as me. We spent almost every day together and had an excellent time. Upon my return home we continued to talk every day. In December he invited me out to visit him- we spent 2 weeks together during which time I met his family.

Despite the fact that we are not "boyfriend/ girlfriend" I feel myself growing attached to him. He says he doesn't want a long distance relationship as he has been in that situation before and the girl he was in love with broke it off (she lived out of the country!) but he still calls me every day. We spend hours on the phone every night.

My question is- should I just stop talking to this dude as I find myself pretty insulted that he considered some girl who lived in South America his girlfriend... and I am just a "friend"... guys help me here- does the label of "girlfriend" mean that much?

Answer 1

It seems to me that for this guy, the label "girlfriend" is very important. I was in a l/d relationship once with a wonderful lady that lived in California (I'm in the Washington, DC area). To me, it was VERY important when we began using the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. In my mind, that meant that there was something serious going on there. I took it very seriously.

For some guys, the term "girlfriend" is just a label, but it sounds to me that this guy places a lot on that label.

What you've done is automatically equated "not wanting a long distance relationship" with "we shouldn't be speaking with each other". That's an erroneous assumption.

Like I said, I've been in a long distance relationship and it's very hard. Although she and I are no longer together, I would never want to lose touch with her because she is still a very dear friend that I care very much about.

Just because a guy says he doesn't want a long distance relationship doesn't mean he doesn't want to maintain a friendship with you. If I met someone that was a distance away that I liked, I wouldn't want to get in a dating relationship with them over long distances as I vividly remember how hard it was and how painful it can be to care for someone and not be able to see them. But, it doesn't mean I wouldn't still want to maintain the friendship, for 2 reasons:

1) Although I wouldn't want another long distance relationship, it doesn't mean that circumstances won't change. One day, we could find ourselves living close to each other.

2) If she's a wonderful person, I would want to maintain the friendship even if it only stays a friendship.

Ultimately, if you find yourself really falling for this guy then you are going to have to make a decision:

1) Move closer to him (or him to you) so you can be together and develop your relationship.

2) Decide that you two will just be friends if the distance issue can not be resolved.

3) End the relationship if you find that it hurts too much to care for him and you can't be together.

I'm trying to figure out why you should be insulted? To me, it sounds like he had a hard time with the girl in South America being so far away and he doesn't want to feel that kind of hurt again.

I remember when I was dating my sweetie. One of the things that hurt the most was when she was having a really tough time and she wanted me to be there with her - and I couldn't. I hurt because I knew she was hurting and I couldn't be there to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything would be okay and that I would always be there when she needed me.

You need to stop being so self-centered and consider what he must being going through. Have you stopped to consider that fact that he probably cares a great deal for you, but is scared of getting hurt? One of my biggest fears when I was dating my sweetie was what if she was really having a tough time and some guy came along that was there for her and helped her through the tough time and she ended up caring for him and one day I got a "Dear John" letter. The thought raced through my mind that "I lost her for the simple fact that I couldn't be there for her when she needed me".

Instead of being insulted, you should be happy that there is a guy out there that takes a relationship so seriously, that places such great emphasis on calling someone his girlfriend.

You yourself stated in your question that you two are NOT "boyfriend/girlfriend", so what's there to feel insulted about? In that case, should he feel insulted that you don't call him your boyfriend? I mean, he's been up front with you, he told you that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. He could have just led you on making you think you were in a relationship, when he didn't feel that way.

Take it from a guy that considers a deep, committed relationship as something scared and that has been in a long distance relationship - if I met someone really special that lived a long distance away, I wouldn't want to be in a long distance relationship again because I can't handle that kind of hardship and pain again. No matter how wonderful she is, I couldn't go through that again.

If you've never been in a long distance relationship before, you can image how hard it can be at times. I remember one time how badly I just needed to so her, to hold her hand or hold her in my arms and I couldn't and it literally drove me so crazy that I broke down and started to cry. Nothing bad was happening, but we had been apart for so long that I missed her terribly and I needed to see her, to tell her face to face that I loved her and would always love her - and I couldn't because I was 3000 miles away, 20 years old, a struggling college student that couldn't afford to fly out there (this was pre-internet era). The sad truth is that, now over 20 years later, I'm still in love with her and I still miss her. I could never put myself through that kind of torture again. To love someone so deeply, to want to be with them - and you can't.

There is a saying that "You can not truly know how hard a persons life is unless you've walked a mile in their shoes".

Don't be insulted. Instead be understanding. Realize that there is a person on the other end that has fears, worries and concerns also. Someone that could have been hurt in a former long distance relationship that is scared of getting hurt again, especially if the girl from S. America wrote him a "Dear John" letter.

Answer 2

I dont think anyone WANTS to have a long distance relationship. Life happens and gets in the way, you just have to work around it. If someone wants to be with their long distance BF or GF enough/or they love them enough, they will move to where the other person is and quit the long distance thing. Those people who have relationships over the internet or out of state "just because" are probably wasting their time. Long distance relationships wont last if there isnt commitment.

Answer 3

Well, I don't really know what to say to you. I am in a Long Distance realationship AND I LIVE IN SOUTH AMERICA!!!!! he lives in the states, so, I don't know he might be scared because he suffered a lot with the last long distance relationship, so he doesn't want to go thru it again...
Good luck...

Answer 4

girlfriend is just a label its how you feel for each other that is the real test and it sounds like he is very attached to you -- maybe he does not want to label as it did not work before and he wants this to work out

Answer 5

baby girl, it's better off for you to break it off. if that's all he considers you as just a friend. there is no point of trying to pursue something that won't develop into anything. talk to him sparingly, treat him like a friend. it's just not fair to you if you have any further feeling for him.