My step-daughter has lived with her father and I for nearly 4 years now. She is almost 10 years old. I want to be able to help her get over her feelings of abandonment and her anger towards the living situation she is in.
Her bio-mom hasn't seen her since May and has not spoken to her on the phone since May. Not because we don't let her, but because she doesn't come around and doesn't call!
How can I help my step-daughter...it seems like it is hurting her so much. Expecially not seeing her bio-mom's other kids (she has 5 others). Hubby and I have tried to explain things to her but it doesn't seem to help....
Any suggestions??
2007-01-10 04:06:05 · 12 answers · asked by itsjustme 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
We have tried to "MAKE" her bio-mom come see her, we have even called her for my step-daughter...so she can talk to her. Making her see my step-daughter didn't work b/c she said we were making her do what we want and she wasn't doing that. And we can't call anymore b/c she has turned her phone off a ton of times...when we call any number we have for her they are all off.
It's not like this is anything new...it's been like this now for almost 4 years. Very frustrating.
It makes me so upset that she treats my step-daughter like this...what kind of a woman just leaves her child and could care less??? I don't understand it.
2007-01-10 04:28:57 · update #1
I think it will just take time, and a lot of love from you and your husband. These things are always hard for everyone, and especially the kids who are caught in the middle.
See if you can just spend some extra time with your stepdaughter, just the two of you. Go out for lunch, shopping, maybe a manicure or a movie. Make sure she knows you're available if she wants to talk.
What is she interested in? See if there's some activity she would like that involves other kids, that way she can make some new friends which may help her not to miss her step-siblings so much. Also make sure to include her current friends too.
Another idea is therapy, it can really do wonders sometimes and at least she might be able to get rid of some of her anger in a safe setting.
Best wishes to all of you.
2007-01-10 04:20:22 · answer #1 · answered by mom of 2 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's not much you can do other then being there for her and letting her know that you care and your there if she needs you. Something like this hurts a child and she might not every get over it but what would help would be knowing that her step mom and dad are there and take care of her. It's sad her bio mom doesn't want to have anything to do with her but it's her lose. All you can do is be there and support her. Just be a good second mom and help her. If she needs to talk let her. I think that if she knows that her step mom and dad are there for her then it'll help her feel a little bit better but I think she'll always have that emply feeling and a little anger toward her real mother. She might need therapy to deal with her anger aswell.
2007-01-10 12:12:36 · answer #2 · answered by Irish Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's nothing you can do to make up for her bio-mom's actions. I know you and your husband have also tried to explain to her what's going on. And she may not understand until she's much older. Continuing to offer her lots of love and support all of the time and being open to sharing feelings (hers and yours) will help with communication. One of the best things you can do for her is show her how much you and her husband love her. And really try to refrain from bringing negative words about her bio-mom into the conversation - you'll teach her to love instead of always being resentful. When your step-daughter is older she will understand what has happened, and she will remember what you've done.
2007-01-10 13:01:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would consider letting your step daughter see a counselor who deals with teens. (Even though she's a tween) Sometimes speaking to a neutral third party who has no interest in making her bio-mom look bad and her dad and stepmom look great helps her see things from the "real" perspective - or at least from another point of view. Yeah, she's p*ssed at her mom for what she feels like as leaving her. That's normal. She'd feel that way if her mom passed away. Eventually she will see her mom for the jerk she really is and realize that you and her dad are awesome for helping and caring about her. (Telling her that and showing it to her now isn't going to work, she's gotta figure it out for herself.)
For now, continue to be supportive and caring - she will stop being angry eventually. Good luck!!!
2007-01-10 13:56:29 · answer #4 · answered by zippythejessi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that all you can do is give her love, alot of it, when she gets alot older, she will understand the situation a lot better. I went through something like this as a child, and I was angry for a long time, in fact untill I was 19 or 20, Then I came to the conclustion that everything that happens in life good or bad, plays a part in making you who you need to be for whatever reason... and she too, will see that everything happens for a greater good. Just be there for her.
2007-01-10 12:18:19 · answer #5 · answered by jenn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in the same situation as you although my husband is in the Navy and was deployed to Iraq and I was alone. We got my step-daughter into counseling. And it really helped tremendously. Its hard on us as the step-mothers, but that is why God made us mothers! A therapist will help because it gives her an outside source, someone uninvolved, to vent her feelings to and give her healthy ways to vent her feelings. The feeling of abandonment may not ever go away, but she will learn to channel her anger appropriately. Feel free to email me, wiredangel24@yahoo.com If you'd like to talk more.
2007-01-10 12:28:25 · answer #6 · answered by wiredangel24 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have try all then I will suggest a familly theraphy so she can learn to get over it... How's your relationship with her ??? is it good ??? Try to be there for her like a believe you should have done. Talk to her about you not wanting to replace her mom but that you wil always be there fro her like a friend... Have you or your hubby try to contact her mom??? Try it and talk to her about he girl tell how she feels and that she needs from her mom too..If she seems not to care anymore how sad because it her mom but with your help and your hubby's help she will understand sooner or later.... It is hard for a girl to know that mommy is around but doesn't care .. So get help as soon as you can before she becomes a TEEN and things get worst !!! GOOD LUCK and best wishes to all !!!
2007-01-10 12:19:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get her a good couselor. You two are too close to her as parents to tell her any truths and have her believe them. She needs a third party to tell her that her mom is a bum, and that she tore up her mom-card.
She'll never get over the abandonment, she'll just have to learn to function despite it. My husband's mom left him and his dad when he was 3. He has cut all ties with her for several years, but still yearns for the 'Mom' that has NEVER existed. He has serious abandonment issues, and always will.
That puts you in a difficult spot as step-mom. It sounds like you really care about her, and she's lucky for that. Good luck!
2007-01-10 12:14:50 · answer #8 · answered by Margie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just hug her and tell her how much you both care for her, that you are not trying to replace her biological mother but you will always be ther for her if she ever needs to talk.
Do special things with her so that she doesnt feel left out.
2007-01-10 12:13:27 · answer #9 · answered by brighton 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Professional therapy might help her. Sometimes problems are beyond our ability. As parents, the best thing we can do is recognize when we are over our heads and make sure our children get the help they need.
2007-01-10 12:11:36 · answer #10 · answered by leaptad 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋