Mom problems?

Question

My Mom lives far away and visits every few months.
Everytime she is here we end up getting into an argument over my kids.
This time we were at the mall and I was taking my 3 yr old son up and down the escalater for fun. I made sure to hold his hand. So I tell her to do it while I run to return something at a store.
I come back and she is not holding his hand, I said "Mom hold his hand"
Mom: "I'm standing right here"
Me: "Just hold his hand"
Mom: "But it's almost done" (it wasn't, they were still half way down)
Me: "He might fall and break his head, just please hold his hand"
Mom: "But I am right here and he won't let me anyway"
Me: "So then you tell him he can't go on the escalater if he doesn't hold your hand, he always holds my hand"
Mom: "You got a lot of nerve"
Me: "No, you have a lot of nerve, I'm his mother and I am asking you to please hold his hand, he is only 3 yrs old, he could fall"
Mom: "So you are saying I don't care about my grandson"

Me: "Yes, because if you did you would just hold his hand to make sure he doesn't fall"

So then she stops talking to me and then tells my husband that I said she doesn't care about our children. She was supposed to stay with the kids while they were sleeping so that my husband and I for the first time in 4 months could go out to dinner. She at first said she won't do it now and then she changed her mind but we could only be gone for 2 hours so we went to dinner and had to look at our watches the hold time and rush home.
Isn't she being immature. I always catch her putting my son in danger. And even if I am being overly cautious why can't she just listen to simple requests like that.
I mean I have heard horror stories from kids falling down escalators and getting their clothing or jewelry stuck in the stairs and getting severly injured. am I wrong?

the issue is, why can't she just say "oh ok" and grab his hand. why must she argue with me over everything.

among other things she has also left my son, at 2 yrs old, in an apartment parking lot just standing there to run to the apartment (which was a few buildings away from the parking lot).
She's given my newborn water when i had specifically told her not to.

Let me just say that even if he wasn't on the escalator for fun and it was for getting upstairs or downstairs I still want her to hold his hand, what does it matter whether it was for fun or for purpose.

Answer 1

Regardless of safety, the real issue revolves around respect.
You made it clear what was expected, and she chose to undermine your authority as a parent, and ignore (actually DEFY) your simple request.

There are so many people in the same situation as you.
Her unwillingness to respect your parental decisions, is all about PRIDE. She feels that because she raised you (and you turned out fine)... she must know what she's doing!

Grandparents often don't recognize that the rules have changed since they were parents themselves. For example, some grandparents think it's okay to "just drive to the store" when they don't have proper child restraints because child seats (and even seatbelts!) were not required when they were moms and dads.

You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom without your child involved. She will naturally want to defend herself if she feels criticized, so it may help to say that you are not questioning the way she does things, but you have chosen to do things differently. A child needs consistency and even though grandma has many great suggestions, your son needs grandma to do things the way mom does them, which feels safe and familiar.

Also talk with your son so he understands that if grandma forgets to take his hand, that he should remind her. He may like the big-boy responsibility. If you see this happen in the future, you can remind your son to take grandma's hand (you could even tell your son that he should hold grandma's hand so SHE won't fall), instead of getting into an argument with your mom.

Like it or not, part of being a grandparent is actually learning to RESPECT and SUPPORT the parents, even if they disagree. There are many things that won't harm a child, that still are NOT okay. A few examples are cutting bangs into a child's long hair to keep it away from her eyes, without asking the parents... or giving a 5-month-old her first bites of solid food when you made it clear you are still exclusively breastfeeding... etc. Other times, if grandparents feel the parents are too controlling, they will defy the rules and HIDE their actions! This is also NOT okay.

We need to be gentle with our parents and not make them feel like they are bad grandparents. They really DO LOVE their grandchildren and try to do what they think is best. We simply need to make our values and rules clear and discuss matters before the child ends up in the middle.

It often helps to make a list... put it in writing the same way you would for a babysitter. Also, whenever you see grandma doing something that shows you respect, be sure to thank her and tell her how much you appreciate it, even though she may disagree with your standards. Be sure to recognize ALL the good things she does, and not just point out the bad. Positive reinforcement goes a long way :o)

Good luck.

Answer 2

While I dont agree with you to some extent I do agree in others. His chances of really getting hurt while shes standing right there is kinda slim you got to admit that. Maybe you are a little overprotective. The point here is you are the Mom and you seemed to feel the need to make sure she understood that. Is she always that way?doing things you ask her not too? Or was this just the straw that broke the camels back for you? Either way the child is probably old enough to ride the escalater with you or Grandma without holding hands and if you really think about it you will realize that while his gramma and mom were arguing he was riding without holding on and was fine. He's three not 1.

Answer 3

Hi Rooney. If you don't trust your mother to watch or care for your children. Then don't worry about how much time you have when you go out. Hire a babysitter and don't use your Mother for watching the children. It is pretty simple if you don't feel they are safe you don't allow it. But don't count on her to watch them for you because she probaby won't so line up an neighborhood teenager that you can trust and put them in charge while you go to dinner and a movie.





It matters because you are a Mother yourself and you seem to be the one with hangups and issues. And yes it does matter if he is doing it for fun. It is a moving mechanical piece of equipment. Do you let your child run havoc everywhere else too.
Seems to me you should be the one some should be concerned about. Your Mother may not be the best Grandmother but boy this sure proves the Nut doesn't fall far from the tree".

As for the escalater. NO children should be going up and down them for fun EVER. Even if they are holding your hand or your mothers. Escalaters are not toys, and children should be taught that and not used for their entertainment.

Answer 4

If you don't feel like she is a "Careful" grandma - then why did you get her to watch your children while you and your husband went out to dinner? I do understand how you feel - my mom and I don't get along very good eaither. By phone is usually fine, but every time she comes to visit - we end up in a argument. She has even told me that she does things that I ask her over and over to not do, because she thinks what she is doing is best for my child. That really makes me mad! I know how you feel, but I honestly think the reason your (and mine) mom act the way they do is because they need to feel needed. My mom was always needed. When she was a little girl she was needed to help her mom cook, and take care of the other kids, etc... then she got married and her husband needed her. Then she had kids and her kids needed her. Now her mom don't need her, and her kids are grow and moved away. All she has is her husband - Which is not the best relationship. To her - she has nobody that needs her, so she feels that she needs to do things her way - it's her way of helping. It makes her feel like she is worth something. I know you love her and you feel, and have always felt that she IS worth everything, but just because you feel it doesn't mean that she knows it. I think if you would do something special for her - go visit her - get somebody else to watch your kids and you and her go out to dinner. Talk to her on the phone as much as you can. Let her know that you still need her. Maybe some time that you are having a bad day - call mommy, and tell her all about it, and then tell her that she made you feel better by listening to you. Do what ever you can do to make your relationship with your mom a good relationship - she's the only mom you have. Don't let her take over!!!! Just try a little harder on your part. I hope I have helped you.

Answer 5

oh wow. How frustrating. I can totally relate.

What has been working for me, is to be polite but firm with the rules that I make with my child.

My mother in law is a challenge. She is a pharmacist and wants to drug my son at any chance she gets. I am a nutritionist and believe in natural health care and only using medication when it is prescribed by a prescribing authority such as medical doctor who has evaluated the situation and deems medication necessary.

This is a big battle between us. For example, if my son is fussy, she brings out whiskey or makes her own cough syrup (from alcohol) and tries to force it on me. I cringe any time she mentions pharmaceuticals. She also has problems with safety. She does not understand why car seats are necessary when you are making a quick trip. Her son came out fine, and gosh darn it I am just being over protective.

I just politely tell her, times have changed and this is not what I want for my son. I have yet, to let her watch him as I am afraid of the whole medication issue and some safety concerns.

When my son gets older, I will allow her to watch him but their will be a discussion about his care and well being and if she does not abide by the rules, then maybe she will only see her grandson when I'm there or when the dad is there.

I know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I think grandparents have a lot of wisdom to share and they feel because they have been there already as a parent that their way is best, even though times have changed. I am sure, when my son has a child, I will want to make suggestions and will also probably question some of the things he does just because that was not the way we did it. I hope for my son's sake that I will also remember his grandmother and how she made me feel when she overstepped her bounds.

I also think it is important to pick your battles. If your child is safe and your mom really had the best intention for your child, then maybe let some things slide and keep the battles for the things that are really important. She is going to be the grandmother for a long time. Maybe have a heart to heart when your child is sleeping and come to some agreements about your expectations and what she expects.

With my mom in law, I have learned to let some things slide, even though I did not agree with her at the time. I do not always want to be defensive and quick to judge. Lately, I ask myself, is my son safe, and is what she is doing is it really that big of a deal or is it more that I am annoyed because it is not the way that I would do it?

Good Luck to you and I hope things get better for you.

Answer 6

I am not sure why everyone here seems to think that grandmothers are validated in doing whatever they want just because they once raised a child.....

Will you let your mother put your child to sleep on his tummy, since she put you to sleep that way, even though it increases the risk of SIDS by 80%???

Will you let your mother give your child sugar water, even though it may be linked to later risks of ADHD, just because it never hurt you????

There are PLENTY of things that grandmothers USED to do with us that have been proven UNSAFE for children!!!

And as far as dying in escalators being an old wives' tale...it most certainly is NOT! People HAVE died after getting their clothing trapped in the windaround part of an escalator, which is why warnings are posted all over it. Not only did this mother ask the grandmother to hold the child's hand, I am quite positive that there was a sign on the escalator saying that you should do so.

More over, after carrying a child for 9 months, giving birth to it, and caring for it constantly, it is the MOTHER'S choice how that child is raised, not the GRANDMOTHER!

And for those of you who don't believe that an escalator is deadly when misused.....
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2005/03/02/man_is_strangled_after_clothing_snags_in_mbta_escalator/
http://www.cdc.gov/eLCOSH/docs/d0300/d000397/d000397.html

Please note that the last website listed is a United States CDC Web Site, an official government web site.

Answer 7

YOu're making a mou8ntain out of a molehill. Yes, you "told" her to hold his hand. BUT the salient point here is that your Mom WAS with him, she WAS watching him and he WAS ok.

Stop worrying about all the little things and take a look at the big picture. Your mom wasn't forcing the kid to sit still, she wasn't dragging him down the mall kicking and screaming and she WAS with the little one riding up and down the escalator, as you had requested and as he was enjoying.

The feeling of freedom in riding the escalator without mom holding his hand was a new feeling. He may not like Grandma's hand, and he may just have pushed the envelope and won, but it really doen'st matter, now does it? HE was happy, SHE was happy and YOU were the only one NOT HAPPY. The only way to change this is for YOU to be happy about what happened, not to change what happened to make you happy. There was no problem until you came along and made one. See?

Relax and look at the big picture. Life is enjoyable.

Answer 8

I'm not a grandmother, but I am old enough to be one. Your mother should have respected your wishes, and should treat your child the way you ask. The fact that it's not her child should make her be more careful. Sit down and explain to her that while you know she loves her grandson, you must insist that she abide by your rules when she is watching him. If she gets defensive, which she will, let her know it's not a reflection on her child-rearing, it's just the way you want to raise your child.

As far as the escalator, they are not a toy, and I have watched someone fall and get caught in the "teeth"... not something I recommend for anyone. Please don't play on the escalator with your child, or when he gets older he'll be one of those kids walking up the down escalator. As a side note, watch the shoelaces of your son on the escalator, too, they get caught in the sides of the steps easily.

Answer 9

You are the mom-your word is gold, you make the calls. Sounds like your mom is falling in the "I did it with you and it was fine" thing. It isn't. Child development experts are finding out new stuff all the time and she needs to understand that just because she did something 20-30 years ago, doesn't mean it is ok now, safe now, or most of all how you and your hubby run your house. Good ex-putting infants on their back to sleep with nothing in the crib. Most moms now know this is the rule, most grands will try to give them a pillow or something.

I think that you need to decide-does granny just visit and have no supervision role or are you willing to bend on some small stuff and let her help out. But the escalator and water aren't small to me-and left unattend is a big issue in this day and time. Maybe she feels left out, maybe she feels like you are doubting her parenting skills-be careful in how you make her feel too. But the bottom line is if you don't think your children are safe with her at all times, then let her visit but not be in charge for even short periods.

I love my mom to death, but she is much more indulgent of my son (and taught him a cuss word recently>:) but she is very careful with him. I told her to think about the cussing in relation to him saying it at school and us losing our day care-that snapped her around and she apoligized. To her it was funny and cute, to me it was something that could lead to big problems at his day care. Once I told her why it bothered me, she was ok. But if I just yelled at her for doing it-likely she would have been hurt and upset. I am sure your mom means well, and at least she wants to see her grandkids. Just pick your battles carefully, cause we all know that momma's forget nothing:)

Answer 10

When i was younger my uncle wasn't holding my hand going down the escalator i hit my head on those pionty things and till this day i still have a scar...i had to get stitches and stay in the hospital for 2 days all becuase my uncle was to lazy to hold my hand...So in regards to your mother...i know what its like when the grandparents dont listen to the parents but she has no choice but to listen to you...its not her kid! Your the one and only person that has a say about what you want to happen with your children and other people have to listen. Guess im just sentive about the escalator issue...hope u resolve the issue and hope i helped a little..

God Bless You!