My Daughters father has never wanted to see our daughter and went away to uni for 3 years,now his back and suddenly wants to start seeing her she is nearly 4 now.he has never paid child maintance and didnt even buy her an xmas present he even made me go through a Dna test which proved he was her father,this upset me and he never even said sorry for doubting me.what should i do?
2007-01-10 02:53:28 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Should i let him see her after all this time.
2007-01-10 02:54:55 · update #1
Though i doubt if even i would be able to live up to my own advice/ answer, i think the right thing to do in such a situation would be to allow him to see her.... You would not be doing this for him - though in fact it's what he wants - but for your own daughter's sake... and hers alone. Doing this will maybe/ probably be painful for you, but....i do think that even at such a young age your daughter's wish/ need to see and know who her dad might be a higher priority. Bottom line of my reasoning is :why deny her the experience? be it good or bad in the immediate instance, in the long run i think she will be more thankful than if you had stopped her from meeting him....
their first meeting could be the start of an enduring and loving relationship between father and daughter - which is great for any daughter!.... or it simply could be a one-off event that will satisfy her curiosity and natural need to know where she comes from. in that case it may the first and last meeting - and you (and she) can never blame you for having kept her away from her dad...
i think in the end, this will involve a significant effort on your part for her, but it will be proof to your daughter that your love for her is real and secure enough - not limited by your own bad experiences....
sorry if i waffled on!.... have a little daughter myself, and your situation struck a chord with me...
good luck!
2007-01-10 03:27:12 · answer #1 · answered by knobelette 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you know your daughter's father, not any of us.
But for your daughter's safety and your own protection, I pretty much agree with ",,!,,badd... ". You need to be smart about it. Go through the court systems. And I would insist on monitored & limited visitation until you and your daughter are comfortable. Afterall, this man is a stranger to your daughter.
A big mistake you made is not filing papers on him when your daughter was born. My older daughter made this mistake. Her daughter was 3 when she finally filed support papers and now the father uses his visitation as a way to get back at my daughter for needing financial help by filing for support.
I sometimes think she would have been better off not filing and letting the father go his merry way.
This is a personal decision that only you can make. Put your animosity for the father aside and try to make a decision that is best for your daughter first, then you. You have to be okay with whatever decision you make because its one that you & your daughter will live with forever. If your area family courts offer free counseling and arbitration---take advantage of it. Find out what possible psychological effects if/or if not you allow him access. Again keep in mind this is a stranger to your daughter.
You sound like a caring mom or you probably wouldn't have asked about this at all. Whatever decision you make, as long as it was made with you daughter's best interest at heart, you've done okay. Sometimes there are no rights or wrongs in parenting. Sometimes you have to trust yourself to do whats best.
2007-01-10 03:37:22 · answer #2 · answered by suzb 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to decide what is best for your daughter. I understand how you feel, but it's about your daughter, not you. If you feel she would benefit from having her dad in her life, you should really consider letting her see him. Also, it would be better to work this out between the two of you rather than fighting it out through the court system.
I know this is difficult. I've been there too and it's hard. Bottom line, unless it would be harmful to your daughter to be around him, I would let him see her. Also if you haven't contacted child support enforcement yet, I would do so.
Good luck!
2007-01-10 03:05:45 · answer #3 · answered by Noelle S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you hate him, which is fair enough, but you should do whatever is best for your daughter. If you really think he is serious about getting involved and won't disappear again, then you should let him because your daughter will benefit from having a good relationship with her dad.
If he is just going to disappear again, then no, because it will just be disruptive for her.
I'd make him jump through some hoops first to prove he is serious.
Say he can come round but only on a Friday/ Saturday evening, or only if you all do something that you know he will find really boring. Make him suffer first.
2007-01-10 03:08:47 · answer #4 · answered by Ricecakes 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I would be a little reluctant!! Who is to say he won't walk away again!! You have to sit down with him and make a definate commitment ... laying down YOUR ruels ... and if he is prepared to respect the fact that your little girl is going to be very upset if he leaves again ... then perhaps start off with casual visits. Not mentioning that he is actually her daddy! Let that grow and see how committed he is .. and take it from there. You have to get him to agree to this first though!! I would also perhaps get a form of contract drawn up, to protect you and to ensure he starts contributing financialy! Good luck and just remember your daughter will want to know about her Daddy at some point, so I hope things work out well.
2007-01-10 03:55:17 · answer #5 · answered by lynne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you know for a fact that the only thing wrong with him is the fact that he left you and the baby then i think he deserves a chance, people make mistakes, but if he's abusive, on drugs or an unstable person then keep him away, my daughters father is soooo crazy, for real and me and my now husband made him sign over his rights so we know she'll be safe. Check this dude out before he comes into your childs life!!! Good luck!
2007-01-10 03:09:03 · answer #6 · answered by marinewife 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally think you should gun him down!
Lets get serious. Unfortunately how you feel cannot change the simple fact that a child needs both a mum and a dad. The neglect he has shown has hurt you but your child doesn't know this. I think you should set up boundaries though to prevent you or your child etting hurt again, at least until he has gained your trust. Unfortunately when he has done this he may well scarper again.
Try to give him every opportunity to change his ways. Your child will soon be old enough to see whats going on and she may very well make the decision for you.
2007-01-10 03:03:45 · answer #7 · answered by thesaxman50 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him, to get a COURT ORDER! Till then dont do it. In a court order he will have to do all the right things, (child support, visitation schedules, half of all unpaid expences, etc.) and you can have stipulations put in there that if he does not follow thru with visitations regularly that he gives up his rights to see her.
If he is serious about seeing her, then he will be as equally serious about getting it in writing to do right by his daughter. If not, just goes to show he's not in it for her safety, well being, and best interests.
As to what other comments I have read. She cannot decide at this age anything this life altering. Nor does she miss him, if she has not ever known or met him.
Do what you know is right in your heart for the safety and well being of your daughter. She cant do this for herself. And as I said if its thru the courts there will be regularity in her seeing him, if they even allow it. In the US there is what is called "Abandoment Charges" when a parent is absent for 18 months. And if you are in the US you should look into this. If not call your local court system and see what your rights are, and what IF ANY his are, in this matter. Best of Luck to you & your daughter!
2007-01-10 03:01:45 · answer #8 · answered by ,,!,,baddest~lil~b!tch,,!,, 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its hard not to let your feelings get involved here... but think of your daughters feelings first.. you never know when she is old enough and finds out you didnt want her dad to know her she might end up hating you and that you dont want. At first i would have it where he would have to see her on your terms and when you were around. If things go smoothly like that for awhile maybe they can have some time alone... just weigh the Pros and Cons. cause at the end of the day no matter if you wish he wasnt he is still her dad and he has rights too...
Good Luck!
2007-01-10 04:04:38 · answer #9 · answered by mish_1125 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you, this is so hard. You were hurt terribly by the pr*ck. But your daughter has a dad, and he wants to see her. OK. Doesn't mean you have to give her to him. Just let him see her occasionally. You'll have to bury your bitterness towards him, even if just for your daughter. I've done it, and believe me it gets easier as time passes. Keep an eye on him, you don't want him undermining your relationship with her. I'm not saying he will try this, but, sheesh, he MADE you have a DNA test, god, the bas**rd. Ask your daughter what are her feelings, if she wants to see him, you'll have to agree, but not too much, and on YOUR terms. Best of Luck with this. ♥
2007-01-10 03:20:27 · answer #10 · answered by Kesta♥ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋