I need sincere advice about this one...?

Question

My dad is in very bad health. He is in the hospital as I write this & I need help to figure out what I need to do. My mom let me know when my dad dies that she is going to have him cremated & have no service what so ever. She is bitter & said that if he wants a service he should pay for it before he dies. They have plenty of money to cover it & she will have more once he is gone. (I help them with their finances.) I've never told him about my mom feeling this way. I felt it would be wrong and hurtful. I did however ask him what he would like when the time comes & he said it doesn't matter to him because he will be gone but he pictures a full service. I don't personally need a service to say good bye but I have children, a brother, sisters, nieces, nephews and my grandparents are still living. I feel my mother is being selfish & the rest of the family is counting on me to change her way of thinking. I can't afford to pay for it nor can the rest of my family. What do I do?

I don't think I was clear. I want to have a service for him but don't know how to go about doing it or how to convince my mother that it is the right thing to do. I am very close with him and personally I don't like having eyes on me especially when I'm emotional. That's why I said I don't personally need a service to say good bye. I'd rather do it in privacy. But, I do care about the wishes of others that I love and that love him.

Answer 1

That is a tough situation and I am sorry to hear about your father and that you have this to deal with on top of it.
I did elder and hospice care and I can tell you that the feelings you mom has are very common. It is a scary thing to face the rest of your life without your partner. She may not feel ready to talk about what is going to happen when your father dies.
Maybe calmly talking to her from the heart and telling her that you know she is afraid and angry that she is loosing her husband, that you are going to be there to help her through all of it and explaining that a funeral is very important to you and your siblings and her grandchildren. Tell her that you will plan as much of it as she wants you so that she doesn't have to worry about it in her time of grief.
If your mother does not want to have a service then that does not mean that you can't and it doesn't have to be expensive. let your mother have him cremated and then you and the rest of you family can hold a memorial yourselves. You can just get together at someones house or a place that your father liked and let everyone stand up and say something about him.
Good luck to you and again, I am sorry for your pain.

Answer 2

If they have money to pay for a service and she will not do it yes she is not only being selfish she is also being greedy.does he have a insurance policy? thats why people take them out to bury their spouses and family.Has he been in the service,if so he can get help from the VA. It is very kind of you to not tell your Dad,it would hurt him badly..If the family wants a service then you all will have to take a stand against her.,children have a say in matters like this.You need to inform your Mom that the money they have ,half of it belongs to your Dad .I hate to say this but im afraid I would have to have a argument with my Mom if I were you and insist he have a funeral.If your Dad has ben a gd father ,then he deserves a decent buriel...It don,t have to be the most expensive,you Mom will probably want to get out the cheapest way,but a cheap funeral would be better than no funeral...

Answer 3

I'd have an opt-in (i.e., mom can stay home), pay-as-you-go remembrance of some sort. A quiet bar, a decent resturaunt, a non-starbucks coffeeshop nearby if you got one...just pick a place with some class and ambiance, pick a time, notify the staff that you may be bringing a crowd on such-and-such a date, and do it yourself. Send out some invites. Just because there's no money doesn't mean you can't remember your father. Think around the money block--I'm sure you'll come up with a ton of ideas. Got a beach nearby? How about a nice park? There's gotta be some sort of meetingplace that'd fit your needs. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

First of all, try to approach your mom at an opportune time. Let her know that although you understand her disappointment in how her marriage turned out, there are others who have not had her difficulties, and feel the need for a service to say goodbye. If she can't bring herself to put aside her bitterness long enough to give him a service, then perhaps you and your relatives can pool your resources to give him a simple ceremony. It sounds like a compromise is necessary here. Your dad would be deeply grateful, I'm sure, if you could meet his wishes even part way. He's a dying man, and trying to be gracious, perhaps because he feels some guilt about your mom's bitterness. As for your mom, it sounds like she's buried her love for him, that it exists still in some deep place within her, but the hurts have built up over the years, and now he's dying, and there's no hope that their original love could be resurrected. It sounds very complicated to me. Try to meet your dad's wishes as much as it's financially feasible. Talk to your relatives and let them know your dilemma, and I'm sure between all of you, something can be worked out. Your mother may be materially rich, but she's impoverished in heart. I wouldn't let her win this one, because she's still got a life to live, whether she chooses to live it wisely, or not; whereas your dad has precious little time left.

Answer 5

You are damn right your mum is being selfish - you love your dad and this is the last time to please him before he goes, do whatever you can to make his last moments happy! it is horrible what your mum is saying and cruel - does she not love him - did she not marry him or is she all about the money - i'm very sorry that i am coming across a bit rude - but he is your blood as well as she is and if one is being hurtful and unreasonable then it is your responsibility to set her straight - you show her that this is not they way to treat someone in that position and that she should not be thinking of herself right now but more your dad and the rest of the family, what you guys want is important and especially your dads wants.... set her straight or you will live to regret it.

Answer 6

?b? ??a?ü? having examine the Quran i could say there is particularly little a follower of Muhammad would desire to coach a follower of Jesus Christ. Muhammad under no circumstances understood the training of Christ. Muhammad disagreed with the word of God and the words of the prophets of God. 5 or 6 Qurans have been burned formerly the only that is now known so no remember what proportion Muslims memorized the Quran they nevertheless had issues producing a e book that replaced into in contract.

Answer 7

I"m sorry to hear of your problem. After your father's passing, you can have any sort of service you want too.. with your family. Your mother need not be there at all if thats how she feels about it. It might be hurtful, but speak to some other family memebers about his desires... if she's outvoted, she might give in after all.
Prayers for you and your family.

Answer 8

Your father should have his wishes in a living will, as well as the funds to pay for this set aside so that it can happen, if there is no will then whatever your mom wants is what goes, if you explain to your dad that you want to do as he wishes you need to have every thing in place now.

Answer 9

if you were really close to him i would assume you would want to have some kind of service to remember him by. that would be the righteous thing to do.

Answer 10

Are they still together?

If so then she will be legally responsible for the bill.

If you pay for it, you can actually get a court order for reimbursement of incured costs.