My partner and I just got selected to adopt a sibling group of four. Ages 6, 5, 4 and 2. THeir mother is?

Question

dead and their father is in prison. The maternal grandmother is considered a threat we would like to change their first names, what is the opion out there and why? Please be respectful as today was one of the best days of our lives

Answer 1

That's a tough one. We adopted our son at the age of 2-1/2 and we changed his name. He had a very long, strange birth name that sounded like a girl's name, so we shortened it significantly. His name totally changed; it sounds nothing like his birth name. That wasn't too big a deal though because the foster family he was with his whole life up to that point just called him pet names! I think if he had been older or more accustomed to his actual name, we wouldn't have changed it.

Are your kids' names so silly you just can't live with them? Or are you just concerned about the birth grandmother finding them? If that's the case, change their social security numbers. The children are much more easily traceable by their SS#s than they are by their first names. Once the adoption is finalized, they will have your last name(s) anyway, right?

I would avoid changing one or two of the children's names and not the others. That would be very confusing for the children who have been around since their siblings' birth! Then they might think "Did Dad think Joshua's name was ugly and that's why he changed it?" or "Doesn't Dad like me enough to give me a new name?" The oldest one is only 6 so he might not be able to articulate these feelings to you, but he might have them.

Talk to the older ones about how they feel about their names. Ask them if they'd like new names or maybe new middle names. If they seem undecided or afraid, back off. The children have 'lost' everything they ever knew -- even if it was bad, it was still "home" -- and losing their names as well might just be too much for them.

I think you're doing a great thing and the kids are going to be so lucky! Hang in there. It's a loooong process but totally worth it!

Aloha :)

Answer 2

Wow, congratulations!
First I would get ALOT of information on why/what type of risk the grandmother is. She may simply want to maintain some contact with the children. This may not be a terrible idea, as these children were probably in her care or in the foster system with contact with her before they will come to you. In either case, this relative, among others, should be allowed some contact. You will be the childrens parents. This gives you many opportunities to allow them to see where they come from and why, which will go a long way towards making them comfortable in their new environment where you can show them a better way of life.
The grandmother may have been a source of abuse for the children, if this is the case, I still recommend some supervised contact. MOST abuse occurs because of caregiver frustration and desperation...not cruelty. There are instances of truly cruel people, but it would serve the children well to find out whether this was the case and exactly what happened.
These children will have ALOT of adjusting to do. A name change at this point would need to be very carefully considered. And maybe could be avoided altogether if Grandma developed a trust and respect for you and what you are doing.
This transition will be scary at first for all of you. Patience and love and God will get you through.

Answer 3

Congratulations! While I would be worried changing a child's name in what is bound to be a big time of change in their lives. You mention the maternal grandmother is a threat; I can see where privacy concerns would make you want to do everything you can to keep your new family protected.

Names have been one big component of their personal identity up until this point. And from my end I don't know how positive or negative their names have been. Why not ask the older ones how they feel their names and if they are interested they can help choose their new ones? I can see starting anew as a family with new names or perhaps different versions of their names (e.g. Andrew, Andre, Anderson, etc.) if they are interested. Or perhaps as things evolve in your family maybe everyone adopts special nicknames.

Best of luck!

Answer 4

First let me tell you Congratulations! That is wonderful, a big family! I don't know if I would change their names that would be difficult. My last name was changed 3 times as a young child and it was not a very good experience. I remember my name being called when I was 4. Maybe the 2 year old you could but if you really want to change the name change the middle names, they are already going to get a new last name! Again Congrats and look forward to some fun times!

Answer 5

Congratulations!! Adoption is a great feeling, isn't it?

I totally understand where you are coming from, when I adopted my eldest son, his birth family lived very close to us, and it made me very nervous.
Unfortunately, changing their names at this point would be too difficult. Their names are their identity, and as much as we want to protect them from harm, we have to accept it. My eldest son was 2 1/2 when we adopted, we kept his first name, but changed the middle names. With my youngest, he was 3 and we changed only a few letters (from Elijah to Elias) and his middle names were changed.
Ultimately, the choice is yours, but you also need to look at the possibility that they may not want to change their names, it is the gift that their mother gave them, and they may want to remember that.
In Canada, before the children are placed for adoption, all rights by the biological parents are terminated, leaving them no recourse. Why is the maternal grandmother a threat? Is the adoption an open one? If you are adopting via an agency, please bring your concerns to your adoption worker, it may set your mind at ease.
Four children are going to be a handful, but the greatest sentiment I have ever heard from an adoptive parent is that when you have children of your own, you can say that "Johnny gets his sense of humour from me" or "Suzie is artistic like me". But when you adopt everyday is a surprise!
It's very, very true, I see it with my boys, especially now that they are gettnig older(sniff sniff, they're not my little babies anymore lol)

Congratulations once again, I am sure you and your partner are going to be great parents!!

Answer 6

I also think it would be too confusing for them to have their names changed. Perhaps that is something you could ease them into, like a nickname or something that is similar to what their names already are. I can understand wanting the kids to have a fresh start, but they will probably have enough change going on in their lives with new parents and a move (I'm assuming you will be living in a new area), a new home, new schools, etc. They will need something to help them feel safe, and changing their first names could take away some of that safety.

Answer 7

Hello to you and congratulations. Four children wow that is quite a handful. I applaud you for being up to the task.

Well, I wonder how you would feel if you used to hearing your names for six years, five years and four years. And all over sudden you tell them, heh boy and girl your name is now such and such.
They already have a connection with that name.
I would not change it. The two year old, my not be remembering his/her name yet as do the older once. You could change his name. But the other's, I would not do it. I think it might confuse them. If you still don't sure ask a social worker for advice. They could give you links.

Answer 8

My opinion? Let them pick their new names. The older ones will understand pretty well, so with the 4 year old - the two year old might not get it.

Legally, you'll have to check into what the state says about changing their names. There is a fee, and I'd ask the lawyer handling the adoption.

Congratulations - and wow! You certainly have a handful there with that ready made family. Best of luck to you all. Sounds like you'll be great at it.

Just remember, lots of love, hugs and sense of humor will get you through even the worst days.

Answer 9

I Think it may be confusing for the kids to change thier names. However, maybe you could ask them if they would mind changing/swapping their first and middle name. They could still use the same name they go by now but legally it would be there middle name. I know alot of people that go by there middle name and not their first. Anyway, at least it would be harder for someone to find them by a name search. I hope This helps. Maybe just changing their name on paper is the answer and they can change it back if they want when they get old enough. Good Luck and Congrats on your new family.

Answer 10

I can understand that you want to change their names but I think that would be very confusing and hard on these children at a very hard and confusing time for them. I'm not sure of the whole situation but don't you think just changing their last names would be sufficent? I guess at the ages you listed , I just don't think that would be a very good decision. Either way, you will make the right decision. Enjoy and I wish you the best.