I would like some advice...my daughter is out of control?

Question

Any advice would be appreciated. My daughter is 8 she will be 9 in a few months. Things are getting really bad. She back talks, throws fits, screams and demands things all the time. I know alot of this is my fault because I haven't been consistent with punishing her. I want to change. However, I don't know what to do. I haven't done it right in the past so I need some help. Any suggestions...I just want to have a good relationship with her and enjoy being with her. I loose my temper sometimes too and I want to change that... Please help with some advice or tips that have worked for you, Thanks

Several people have asked about her father. We are divorced and he lives about 3 hours from him. He is not a parent...he is all about what is best for him and what makes him look good. So he is no help. I wish he was.

Answer 1

The biggest thing with children is to be consistent. That means if you tell her no stick with it... If you give her a consequence follow through on it. It may be rough at first...and she won't like it, but don't back down you are the adult. It's your job to be her parent not her friend.

Answer 2

I've always used the method of let them make a choice. I call it the squeeze play. The choices are as such: stop throwing a fit or no playing with friends. The choice is yours. Make her tell you which one she wants. If she doesn't answer then tell her you will chose for her. You know she will chose play with her friends. So you say fine. Then if she stops you HAVE to let her play with her friends. But warn her that if she throws a fit at anytime that day then the friends are out for however many days you decide. Start with one day and add a day each time. This way she can chose her fate. If she demands give her a choice. You can either ask me like a human and we can decide together or you can go to your room and we won't even discuss it later. The choice is hers. If she screams just stand there calm or pretend to be anyway. Don't say a word. When she is done tell her that she can apologize or stay in her room for the night or weekend or whatever. She has a choice. I had 2 boys. And trust me. They WERE boys. I would tell them shut up or stay in the room for the night. I made them TELL ME what they wanted to do. We made deals. I also learned to make promises and keep them. If I promised them a toy I made sure that they got it asap. But if we were in a store and they acted up and I promised them that I would slap them when we got to the car....then guess what. I kept my promise. It works. They learn to make the better choices. It disciplines you cause you don't have to rant and rave. You carry out your promises and for the most part thing calm down. I have grandchildren now that are wild. 4,5,6,and 9. They come to my house and they don't go that wild. They know. If I promise that I will smack them for something then they know if they do it again they will get it. Plain and simple. They know that they get told once. On the other hand if I say that we are going to the park and then I don't want to, I make sure that we still go. I am no better. I promised so now I must go. Try it. You'll like it. Make sure that no matter what the 2 choices are, you still sort of win. The 2 choices are listen or be punished. But don't say it that way. Say stop screaming or go to your room. You decide. Then they feel a little better about it cause they have a choice. But if they pick the wrong one then make sure that you say ok. I promised you that you could stay in your room all night and now you will. Don't let them out. Allow 1 or 2 bathroom trips and maybe a snack depending on what time of day it is. It's not easy but it works.

Answer 3

"I lose my temper sometimes too and I want to change that..." This is the key to your problem. This is why your discipline is not consistent. Sometimes, you lose your temper and give out unreasonable punishments right? Then you take them back because you feel guilty huh? I know the feeling. First - be consistent. Make sure the punishment you are giving out fits the crime and is not unreasonable. (I once told my daughter she couldn't drink soda for a month because she left an empty can on my antique table - harsh huh). Another piece of sdvice is to be strong, those girls are crafty and will try every tactic until they get what they want.

Feel free to contact me and we can talk, my daughter is going on 13 now but I have had and still do have the same issues sometimes. I feel ya.

Answer 4

I went through the same thing with my son, and as much as it sucks, consistency is the key. It's good that you want to get a handle on the behavior now, because in a few years, it might be too late.

You have to have a plan of attack before going into this. Ignoring fits when they're two works well, but not so good with older kids. They're acting out because they're craving for your attention and any kind of attention will do. You have to be able to stand firm and draw the line of what is approriate and what is not. When she's at her worst, you have to still stand firm, no matter how hard it is (and that is the hardest part).

A few things:

1. She needs to recognize when her anger is starting to brew. If one is the calmest and ten is the screaming fit, she needs to be able to "cool off" when she gets to a five. You need to work with her on figuring out how she can do this, but talking and reminding, and calm encouragement will help. Have a place already set where she can retreat to when she starts feeling angry, because giving her the tools to calm down on her own is invaluable.

2. Have a time out chair in the middle of a the room. If she starts losing control and hasn't calmed herself down, she should be put in "time-out" (or whatever you want to call it) for a specific amount of time. The idea behind having the chair in the middle of the room is so that she can see what's going on around her, but she can't join in. She must sit in the chair for ten minutes, quietly or the time keeps restarting. The first few times will be a battle, but eventually, she will get the picture. You must stay calm, however, and do not talk to her while she is in time out. This is her time to cool off, and you cannot fuel the fire. When her time is up (set a timer so she knows when it's done), talk to her about why she was there, what she can do different the next time she feels that way and why her behavior was wrong. Never refer to her as a "bad girl" but a girl with bad behavior.

3. Reward when it's approriate. Have a calendar on the fridge (even one you print out on the computer) and everyday that she doesn't back talk, or scream or throw a fit, she gets a star. When she earns five stars, she gets to pick a movie to rent (that you watch with her). When she gets ten, you take her for icecream. When she gets 20 you do something else. The point is to overwhelm her with the reward (short term goals) so that she can have something positive to work towards. After you get to 20 stars, start spanning it out further, maybe to 40, then 60, then 90 and so on, so that her rewards are farther apart, teaching her that long term goals are just as worth working for.

4. Have some time set aside just for the two of you. Take ten minutes when she comes home from school, or when you're home to talk about the day, what was good, what wasn't, and listen. Don't try and fix everything, just be there.

5. Assign responsibility. There are chores she can do around the house that will not only help you, but will give her a sense of responsibility and when she does them correctly (even if they're not perfect) she will enjoy your praise.

Lastly, check into Oppositional Defiance Disorder. A lot of kids who act the way your daughter is have a real disorder that might be preventing them from behaving correctly. I would not recommend medication, but cognitive behavior therapy might help.

If you need anything, get in touch. I understand how hard this must be for you, and how draining every day can be. It's a lot of work to take care of a child that you feel is out of control, and sometimes talking about it helps.

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Answer 5

It sounds as though you are trying to just be her best friend and not her parent. There is a time for both and you have to step up to being the parent NOW.

You have to be consistent in punishment in order for it to be meaningful. I suggest you get a ping pong paddle and tell her that if she throws a fit, screams, back talks, etc, that she will get a paddeling on her bare bottom. Next, you will have to actually do it when she acts up the next time. Just enough to sting and not to injure or bruise, of course. A few times of knowing what the punishment will be will make her think about the consequence when she acts up - and her attitude will improve.

There was no mention of a father in your posting. This is another big issue. A child needs a father in their life.

Answer 6

I can so relate to you. My daughter is also 8 yrs. old. My husband and I are having a big problem with her has well. I know what you mean about not sticking to things and loosing your temper. I have not found the answer for you and I am still working on it. I have changed some of the things I was doing and it has been a little better lately but her dad has really stepped up to be the "mean" parent now. I just learned to step out of the pic when that is happening. She still knows I am weak and tests me every day. If her father is in the picture have him help you to work it out. I was about ready to loose my mind and then he realized he had to take over with some of the things she was doing. I would actually beg her to be keep her voice down while she was yelling at me just so her dad wouldn't hear. I knew after she finally went to bed he was gonna chew me out for allowing her to talk to me that way. I would always jump him and make excuses for her when he would try to correct her so he said it was my place to fix this with her but I am still working on it. He has since been helping me and we are finally getting it under control. Good Luck and please know this to will pass, so I am told.

Answer 7

Part of the problem is that she has probably been getting away with it for a while. For some kids negative attention is better than none or less.It probably gives her a temporary sense of empowerment. I would suggest parenting classes for yourself. Their are some great ones out there. Your pediatrician may have some suggestions or else call some mental health or community centers that offer them In the meantime try praising any little thing she does right and try not to react when she is being fresh or rude to you. (I know this sounds easier said then done,) but it is effective.Unless you really address these problems now they will really escalate as she gets older, bigger, and stronger. Also pay attention to her friends do they also act like this? Just don't give up or give in, ahe really needs and wants you to set boundries.

Answer 8

It sounds like you know how to parent, but consistency has been a problem.

I would sit your daughter down and then apologize for the times you have lost your temper.

After that, tell her it is your job to make sure she grows up to be the best person she can be, so you are going to try to help her making sure she is able to behave well and make good choices.

Explain your family rules and the consequences for breaking them. Then, enforce the consequeces for her misbehavior on a consistent basis.


If that doesn't work...
I would look into obtaining counseling services for you and your daughter.

If you can't afford counseling, you can always go to your local community mental health department or your daughter's school social worker. It sounds like you need someone to support you and help you be consistent and learn some "cool-down" techniques, and counseling could be very helpful!

Answer 9

Ah you are not alone. I am a parent of a 9 year old. I also volunteer in school as a teachers asst. Let me say that what she is doing, is common from what I have experienced. The one thing that I have found most effective with my daughter is sitting down and talking to her about what is happening in her life that is causing her to go wild. I have also started talking to her about the fact that since she is growing up, her body is going to hit puberty. That means that she will go through more emotions then someone riding a rollercoaster. I have told her that it is ok to express your emotions as long as you do it in a safe manner. If throwing things is your way, then I would ask her to spend the time in her room calming down, and when she is ready to act like the young woman you know she is going to be soon, she can come out.

Answer 10

have always found discipline followed up with a consequence, then topped off with more discipline works best. The discipline which works best for me is communication (talks, very long talks on what acceptable behavior is, and what is not) for the consequence, try time outs, long time outs, taking favorite toys away, grounding, and spanking (my old reliable, lol)

I think girls hit their trying stage at around 8-10, If not stopped it could go on until 16. My oldest daughter got really out of hand @ the age of 8, but I feel responsible, since I let her null me asleep with her sweetness through her 5-7s. I let her get away with way to much, she just kept pushing the issue. In the end, she endangered her life, that's when we resorted back to what works. SPANKING. Yes I know it's not popular, but it works. My oldest is now 10 with out the huge attitude, lying, sneaking, bratty problem she was showing during ages 8 and 9. I recommend stopping this behavior in it's tracks now rather then waiting. I am not saying to beat the tar out of her, but a good old fashioned spanking on the bare hiney, helped cure our daughter. Don't just do the swat thing, make the spanking something to remember.
If I were in your situation, I would do what we call our 3 strikes rule for her bad behaivor or being defiant. first time=warning, second=taking toy, or privilege away, third=spanking. With my oldest 2 daughters, I have only had to give one spanking each for our 3 strikes policy. They always do what is asked after the warning

Good Luck

Answer 11

Adults don't give children birth control to "somehow stop your child from having sex", they give birth control to their children so they DON'T GET PREGNANT OR GET A DISEASE when they do have sex. Some parents think that by giving a girl birth control, they are telling her that they approve of her having sex. The flaw in this, is that teenagers have sexual activity whether they have their parents approval or not, at least in the US and the UK. By keeping birth control away from teenagers, what you get is pregnant teenagers, not virgin teenagers. Both my son and daughter had condoms available to them from age 14 on. They knew I wasn't condoning early or promiscuous sex. They were thoroughly educated about why they should wait as long as possible, and they didn't run out and have sex just because they had condoms available. Neither ever got pregnant. I also made sure they knew to give condoms to their friend if they knew the friends were having unprotected sex.