How do I deal with my brother?

Question

We are three sisters and two brothers. The problem is my eldest brother, whom we all love a lot. But he is a very difficult person. He expects all of us to toe by whatever decisions he makes saying that he is interested in the unity and well being of the family. This includes disciplining our children when he wont accept anyone else disciplining his, accepting his word over that of our husbands and wives etc. If one of us makes a silly mistake, the others would just correct him/her in their own way and then forget abut it. But my brother wants the rest of us to punish that person by not talking to him/ her and generally by ostracizing him/her until they beg pardon. His wife blindly supports him in whatever he says and at the drop of a hat stops talking to us and prevents her children from mixing with ours, though whenever she has wanted in the past, we had baby sat her children for days. He is very emotional and suspicious. But he is also good at heart. My husband is getting impatient

Answer 1

Your brother might have a good heart, but he is very controlling. You need to set boundaries but this is not going to be easy since it sounds like this has been going on for years. He is not going to like it and will really resist and will try harder to control. What you need to do is get the support of your other sibs and their spouses and come up with a plan and STICK TO IT. Do NOT do what the controlling sib says. The four of you need to stage a quiet rebellion and keep it up long enough for the oldest to realize he can't call all the shots anymore. For instance, if there is a decision to be made, different options could be discussed, then you 5 could vote on it, and whatever the GROUP wants, GOES. The 4 of you have got to agree to do things as a group, not as followers of your brother. If he stops talking to one of you, then the others of you need to get together with the one he is not talking to, and HE will be the one left out. Just ignore him. If he wants an apology for something, only do it if it is appropriate, and don't grovel, but the rest of the sibs should be so supporting of the one who has made a mistake. And no one should be disciplining your children but YOU, unless you are referring to really minor things.

Answer 2

Just because your brother wants things to be his way does NOT mean you and your siblings have to go along with it. The best way to deal with difficult people is to make sure you put up boundaries with them and do not let him cross your boundaries. You put your spouse first, period. Your brother may be good at heart, but this is your life and your husband's life. You and your hubby decide on how you want things to be in your own family and agree on how to deflect your brother's meddling.

Answer 3

This really is not complicated. The issue is that your brother and his wife think they "own" the rest of you. They think they rule the roost and you guys all let them do it by standing back, letting their behavior slide and also dong them favors (babysitting). Until you stop doing things for your brother and cut off contact for awhile, will they learn what it's like to be on the other side.

Answer 4

You and your husband together should tell your brother we have grown up and if we are going to have unity in the family we must act like adults. We are old enough to have kids we are old enough to raise them. I f you don't like what our kids are doing tell us and we will handle the situation. And if you are mad at us then it is up to you and us to clear the air not anybody else so don't ask them not to talk to us. that promotes disunity. it might make your brother angry but, he has to learn his sibs grow up and raise their kids in their mates fashion as well as their own