Should I love or hate my nanny?

Question

So I hired a nanny and was clear: I wanted someone to HELP me, not to replace me. If I am home and can do it, there's no reason why I shouldn't. Even when she's there. She's more of a backup, for when I am at work (part-time). She's really a fantastic nanny. I feel safe having her care for my daughter. The trouble is, I sometimes find that she loves my child so much that it makes me uncomfortable. NOT BECAUSE I THINK SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING BAD. But because I feel like my child is her life. She lost her husband three years ago and now has nothing except my daughter and her own children who live fairly far away. She's caring and loving, like a grandmother, but to give you an example: after the first week of working for me, and two days off, she came rushing back and told me how much she missed my daughter. She also sometimes refers to my daughter as her own baby. For example, "I'm going to check on my baby." "I'm going to change my baby." Is this weird?

Answer 1

No, I don't think so. Give all your love to your baby and appreciate the nanny's dedication to your daughter.

Answer 2

I think that your nanny simply loves your daughter. If calling her "my baby" bothers you, tell her - if you can't communicate with her, she has no right to be your nanny. I nanny for a 2 and a 3 year old. I have my own "life" but those kids are my everything. I love them to pieces. I do miss them after having a couple days off and not being with them. They do become more like your kids the longer you're with them. Although, I never call them my baby ... they may be "my (name)" but that's more out of affection than anything else. If you are uncomfortable bottom line is that you need to talk to her about it. Don't let a good nanny get away just because you aren't willing to discuss this with her.

Answer 3

You should consider yourself lucky that you have a caregiver that loves your child as her own. I know too many nannies that are just in it for money, and they don't give a damn about the kids. If her loving your child makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you shouldn't have a nanny. I see you put that she is a fantastic nanny, and if that is the case, what is there to complain about? Are you worried that she would "skip town" with your child? I would think that before hiring someone to come to work in your home with your child you would have done an extensive background/reference check on them. If she is a nanny as a career choice, your child is supposed to be her life. It is completely normal for her to miss your daughter, especially since she is developing a bond with her. If you have issues with the way she refers to your daughter as "my baby" then you need to address the situation calmly and explain to her why it bothers you. Personally, I think you are being nit picky and jealous for no reason. It sounds like you are a first time mother, and struggling with feelings of guilt and insecure about your time away from your daughter. I think that by you being away from your daughter for a few hours will only increase your bond with her. No one can ever take the place of a mother or father. You could also cut back her hours if you are home some of the time. Why does she need to be there if you are home? Remember this woman is older, she has lost a life partner and her own children are grown. Stop being insensitive and address the issue like an adult, though in my opinion, the only issue at hand is you being jealous over something silly. Feel extremely blessed to have found someone that truly adores your child and has her best interests at heart. I know too many families that have had HORRID nannies and would only wish to find someone of her caliber to care for their children.

Answer 4

I don't think it's strange at all! How can having MORE love possibly hurt a child? Remember, it takes a village. I'm a nanny and I call the kids "my boy" or "my girl" but I don't believe they are really my children. It's simply a way of connecting with them and letting them know that I'll always be there for them.

Would you rather have a nanny that's detached and cold toward your children?

Is there a possibility that you feel guilty for leaving them with someone else and that's why this bothers you? If so you need to either stay home with your kids or come to terms with the fact that you are *not* hurting your children by leaving them with a loving, devoted caregiver.

Answer 5

It's a difficult thing, having a nanny. How can you not be jealous of someone who gets to spend so much time with your baby? But you have to let her love your little one. This isn't a competition; your child knows that you are the mother, not the nanny. Don't you want the person looking after your baby to care for her like it's her own? You want your baby to feel safe and loved whether you are there or not.

As for wanting her not to do things when you are there--that would be hard. After all, you are paying her to work for you, so I'd think it would be very uncomfortable to watch you do the sometimes distasteful jobs of parenting, like diapering or feeding, while she just sits around. If I were her, I'd feel obligated as an employee to step in.

Answer 6

Having been a nanny myself for several years to two little girls, one from birth, I can tell you the attachment to any children you care for for any significant amount of time is impossible to ignore. I still keep in touch with "my girls", but I was always aware that I should support the relationship between Mom and the girls. She had the last word and I positioned her in my communication with the girls as the most important part of their lives. This, however, is how I chose to nanny them because I knew I would not be there forever and regardless of Mom's absence, she would be. Thus their attachment to her was more important than mine to them. Not all nannies do/feel this and they do want to be the mommy because, well, the mommy is absent and any childcare professional has natural maternal instincts. So, it is not "weird"
behavior from her, just likely exaggerated for the reasons you mentioned. As long as you feel she is safe and caring, you should feel good about having found a dedicated nanny.

All that being said, my question is this, why is she even there when you are? If you truly are looking for a "helper" or babysitter get a teenager you trust and you'll eliminate the jealousy you are feeling.

If you are financially able, give up your job...and you'll eliminate the jealousy you are feeling.

Confront her about your feelings, outline exactly what and how you want her to do things (hope she can squelch her maternal instinct or fire her)...and you'll eliminate the jealousy you are feeling.

Deal with the fact that she is a great nanny with whom your baby may bond deeply and work on your own relationship with your baby...and you'll eliminate the jealousy you are feeling.

Bottom line, you are jealous and not unreasonably so. Mommies who choose to have nannies for their ease and/or necessity have to experience this - even if they have a nanny who isn't as close to the children, because let's face it, regardless of how supportive I tried to be of the mother/child relationship with my charges, I was the one who took the girls to ballet, taught them to swim, had tea parties, took them on play dates and so on. How could we not have a special bond that their mom missed out on?

Answer 7

Personally i don't think it's weird. If she's an older lady that's how they are (no offense to anyone that's older) She might also be suffering from her own empty nest syndrome. Try pulling her to one side and say you know what i'm really pleased with what you're doing here and I can do my work and errands in peace knowing that you're watching (baby's name here). Can you please start to refer to her by her name, you might think it's to soon but i feel that if she hears her name it makes her feel more at home and that's our way of welcoming her into our family. In the older days the only way that the more upperclass women would have anything to do with their kids is when they was to be fed. Maybe she's not use to being a medium hands on nanny.

Answer 8

I feel for you! My sister went through a similar circustance when she went back to work, as a teacher, and had to leave her baby with a nanny! She would call me constantly, extremely pissed off, because of the way the nanny referred to him. She ouwl call him her boy or her little man, but she got past it. I told her that I felt that it was normal for the nanny to have that connection with him because she is with him all of the time. Eventually, my sister was able to admit that her problem came from the fact that she was jealous of the nanny because she was able to spend that time with him when she was at school!
I don't know if this is the case for you or not, but my sister has since become greatful that she found someone so wonderful, but now tries to spend as much time with him that she can, and lets go the fact that the nanny gets a large amount of time with him! Again, it will take time for you to get used to it, and if it really bothers you, talk to your nanny! Let her know how you feel!
Nanny's become attached really quickly to the child because they spend so much time with them. She probably doesn't realize that this is bothering you. In her situation, she is probably greatful to have someone to take care of again! I urge you to take a look at the situation and determine what your feelings are really coming from!
Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

Answer 9

It is perfectly normal for you to feel this way when somebody referrers to your child as theirs.
I don't think your Nanny means to take your place. It's just like adoption. She mentally adopted your child as her grandchild/ as her own. I think it is amazing to have a nanny that loves your child so much. If the way she has been acting bothers you, you need to talk to her about the way you feel. You are being a protective mother. it is completely normal. Nobody can talk your place. You are the mother and in your child's eyes you are god. Nothing can replace the love your child has for you.

Answer 10

Hmm. I'm not sure. I work as a nanny. I worked with one family that had a toddler (13 months when I started), and I'd refer to the baby as "my girl" or whatever when I was talking TO the baby. (As in, "Where's my baby girl?" or "Is that my Madison making a funny face?") But I also referred to my students as "my kids" when I talked about/to them as well. (A lot of teachers do that, actually.)It could be she's just someone who bonds quickly, or even just uses that phrase a lot. (I have been known to refer to my friends as "my Kate" or "my Helen" when I talk about them). Unless she gets loony (such as referring to HERSELF as the mother...big difference there), I wouldn't worry too much about it. If she's doing a great job, your baby is doing well with her, it sounds fine. She's probably just lonely, and, quite frankly, her work might just BE the highlight of her life right now. Keep an eye on her, but, don't be overly paranoid.