Alright, so my boyfriend that I love decided that while he was in Iraq (in a dangerous position volunteers for missions) that we shouldn't be together. He said it was too much stress & asking too much of me. Until he gets home safe & sound & after that if I still want him we will be back together. I'm really hurt & angry at him even though I know he's doing what he thinks is best for me.
My question is, how am I suppose to deal with this? I mean Apparently I'm single now, and word has gotten out. I've been asked out 2 already today. I don't really want to date anyone, but maybe I should just go on a date and see.
I don't know, I don't really understand what my boyfriend (or I should say ex) wants me to do. He kind of was encouraging me to see other people, he said he wasn't good enough for me especially after this (being in Iraq, & seeing & doing things over there). I'm hurt. And confused. Anyone shed any light on what he really wants. Because he won't really say.
2007-01-09 12:40:35 · 18 answers · asked by Marie 3 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
He’s giving me mixed signals, still telling me loves very much & that he’s praying for me & my family. How much he misses me. Then out of no where cuts off contact all together with me, not anyone else. He also said that he needs to focus on his mission it’s so important for him not to be distracted with anything else. He’s never said anything like I distract him before, he’s always said having me reminds him what he’s fighting for, to give people hope of a better life…
What do I do? Should I just tell everyone to leave me alone (I think the only reason I’d be tempted to go on a date is because I’m so hurt, but really what’s that going to solve?) Should I keep sending him care packages? Letters?
2007-01-09 12:40:50 · update #1
Being in the armed forces myself, when a combatant goes overseas, and is especially so in active combat, he sees alot of bloodshed, and losses each day.
I have been to Timor, and Aceh, on peacekeeping missions, and btw, those bright blue helmets don't help us at all from being targets, it just made us easier.
My personal experience was this, when i was in Timor, i had a gf as well, there was once, when a food convoy we were escorting came under fire, and somehow, when hell broke loose, before any and every reaction, somehow my thoughts went to her, I saw one of my men hit, and fell to the floor, but because there's so much to live for, it makes the performance of the soldier drop, it was a couple of minutes before i came to my senses, ran out and pulled him into cover.
When i went back to my country for a break, i was diagnoised with mild post-war depression, in which, everything seems bleak and meaningless. Eventually i broke up with my gf.
When a posting order to Aceh came, it was alot easier to go.
Somehow, it seems, that when we have nothing to live for, you won't be afraid to put your piorities as a soldier before you, you want life so much, to be with someone so much, that it throws fear into you, and you won't be functioning as a soldier.
So, this is my personal experience. I would say your bf, rather be in a more solitary and lonely place, where any losses would deal much damage, and he just wants to be in that neutral zone. No feelings attached to him, no nothing to do with him, its a highly efficent way of dealing with the mess that he must be going through right now. And, well since you're asking what you ex might want you to do? I don't know your ex, so just ask yourself, what would you like to do for him?
P.S. My gf (or ex) still sends me photos, and cards, because somehow or another, girls will know eventually why guys do some things like that, and i remember, that in one of her letters, 2 years back, she said, "i'll be waiting for you, when you come home", and she's still single now, not even a single date. You can be sure, when my contract ends this November, i'm gonna ask her out, get a quiet job, live a simple life, and live the rest of my days in peace.
2007-01-09 19:09:10 · answer #1 · answered by Jeremy Lee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, so your boyfriend wants you too see other people and if you want to be with him when he gets back then great. What I think he is telling you, is that he is going to a place where there is no guarentee that he will come back alive from. He still loves you very much and would want nothing more than to be with you everyday, but just in case something happens to him, he doesn't want you too be hurt.
By pulling away from you, he is trying to protect you from being hurt in the possibility that he is killed in action. Is this his first tour to the combat zone? If it is, he probably has heard that alot of the guys in his outfit has been killed or wounded really bad and is preparing for the worst.
What I would do, and this is only a suggestion, is write him a letter letting him know that you still love him and will be here waiting for him when he gets home. Tell him that you understand if he doesn't write everyday, because of where he is and the work that he does, but you will write him every week or more often. Somebody said to send care packages. That is a great idea and also sometimes just a card from you saying that you love him. The best letter my wife got from me was three words "I Love You". That is all that I wrote and it brought tears to her eyes when she got it.
I wouldn't take him out of your address book. Tell him that you are there for him and will always be there for him.
Good luck and tell him that you love him.
2007-01-09 13:43:45 · answer #2 · answered by Joel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He knows that how far he is and the time he'll be away he can't really be there for you. He probably does have the idea that you might just cheat on him anyways so it might be less painful to start pulling away slowly. I saw a lot or relationships and marriages fall apart while I was deployed. Everybody just feels so powerless since you're so far away and can't be there to work things out. Especially dating type relationships where there is no marriage or children to keep the partner at home from straying. Usually more of a problem then they were worth. The soldier has enough stress in their day to day life to worry about just trying to stay alive. I usually suggested to my soldiers to just break off any relationships that were causing them undue stress. It can start to affect their performance on the job and everybody needs to be at 100% + and have their head in the game at all times. I don't doubt for a second that he does love you and wants to be with you now and when he returns but sometimes it's easier to go your separate ways until he gets back. If you're still single when he gets back and you still have feelings for each other then you two can give it another shot. Just give him some space and understanding if he needs it. You should contact his units "Family Readiness Group" and maybe meet up with other spouses and girlfriends of those deployed. You might learn some info or get some moral support from other women going through the same thing as you. They might also be able to refer you to relationship counselors or other resources to get you through. That is if you really do love him and want to put in the effort. If you two end up staying together or if you wait for him he'll be grateful and appreciate what a special woman he really has. I hope this helps, and good luck!
2007-01-09 13:00:06 · answer #3 · answered by Marco R 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I'm going through the same thing. I have no doubt that he loves you very very much. Because all he wants is to see you being happy. It's selfish to ask the girlfriend to wait but cannot even promise to come home safe and sound. So he decides to set you free. Trust me, it's an extremely difficult decision for him. And wouldn't that make you love him more?
You should continue to send him emails/letters/care package, so that he knows that no matter what your relationship is, you still care for him, and he always has a special spot in your heart. That's all he wants to feel warm and brave. Never say anything to hurt his feeling when he's there.
Go out to date other people, and you will find out how important (or not so important) your (ex)boyfriend is to you. If you love him, you will always think of him and have little interest in others. If he's doomed not the best one for you, then sooner(now) or later(after he comes back) you will find out. But don't tell him who you have dated and if you like the guy that type of detail. Just let him know you are making friends, guys and gals. Even if you find someone you really like, wait till he comes back to tell him.
I'm going through this right now, and I know nobody can replace my boyfriend, as I'm just totally not interested in those guys, no matter how lonely I am. Sad, devastated, but also happy.
2007-01-09 13:37:15 · answer #4 · answered by Questions 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
By all means, keep sending him care packages and your love. If you want to be with him when he gets home, then stand by him and offer support to HIM. Quit being so dramatic and self centered when you are in contact w/him. You or I have NO idea what he is going through over there, the drama you create is small potatoes compared to the real drama he is seeing/experiencing every day!
Make a decision. If you want him and only him, then write him a letter that says you understand that he doesn't feel like he can be a good boyfriend while he is there, so you will wait for him and NOT see anyone else. When you talk or write to him, only be positive and supportive to him. Give him assurance of your love and good news. He has enough to worry about. Think of all the WW2 wives and how they behaved.
2007-01-09 12:56:55 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait for him. Hes going through something now that you will never be able to understand. Tell people who are trying to "fix you up" or whatever to buzz off, that you are just not ready yet. You dont have to be dating someone at all times. You dont have to be in a relationship at all times. There is no law saying that you do. Alot of people get out of a relationship and think they must get involved with someone else right then. It doesnt have to be that way. Take some time off of the dating scene for yourself. Being single and not worrying about dating can be fun!
How much longer will he be in Iraq? Any idea?
At any rate, when het gets back try to pick up the pieces then. But be prepared, when he does come back he might still seem a bit distant. He still might not want to jump right back into a relationship as soon as he gets home. Once again he is going through Hell right now, its gonna take a long time for him to come to terms with everything even when he does get back. If you honestly love him, and you feel that its for real you should follow your heart and wait for him.
2007-01-09 13:00:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
May I commend you in your devotion for him in this situation, most women wil go out and party or brake up with the guy while they are in a wartime situation, or even brake-up/g/f situation or divorce-wife. Now there could be sevral things going on, he may have found someone over there, there are several women serving in the arms forces, and they are over there. Believe me, I was over there. Maybe he is too busy with the war, my husband gets a deployment attitude and thats all he sees, no spending time with me before deployments, it all about the mission, before, during and after. I would go on with my life, but if you want keep a friendship going, you could keep in contact with him, if you can keep yourself in the attitude that you are friends and if he wants to become romantic once he comes back, then you can go from there, the only other thing I can think of that might be going on, is its war, he may have turned his feelings off to deal with whatever he is dealing with and may be differant when he comes back. IE, my husband now flinches, and rocks when he sleeps. Some of these men deal with normal life like they are still in Iraq, IE my husabnd wanting all his weaopons close to him, like they were (next to his cot w/ammo) in Iraq.
2007-01-09 13:16:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
carry on with the care packages and letters BUT make the letters very neutral............almost the sort you would write to the brother of a friend who just needs extra mail from home............of course tell him about your day, about the new classes / hobbies you have took up whatever,newspaper cuttings about his fave football team etc and then end the letter with love and best wishes, praying for your safe return.........It is REALLY up to you if you date around but if you love him so much at least you can look him dead in the eye and tell him with honesty that whilst he have thought you two was on a break you DID not.............but of course that happens when you see each other again.........
And word of warning WHO are the ones that are asking you out............found out as I began my divorce from my husband the 1st 3 people that asked me out on a date was his BEST friends, so they may even be a test in there some place OR they might be trying to see IF you would mess about with them and then let him know............
Good luck Hun
2007-01-09 13:00:20 · answer #8 · answered by candy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him just hang in there and be there for him. My husband had a lot of ups and downs as did other soldiers he was with during his year long tour in Iraq. Right now he just needs support and a friend. If you love him you will just stick out the up and down ride and if it is meant to be it will smooth itself out when he comes home. Take Care and I hope this helps.
2007-01-09 13:00:08 · answer #9 · answered by bw_ld 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am going to tell you something straight out. The young man has WAY too much on his mind to be worrying about your insecurities right now. Give him some breathing room to do his most important job right now without the distractions. Back off.
2007-01-09 12:51:09 · answer #10 · answered by nobody 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋