Discipline ideas for a 9yr. old who doesn't care and spaking isn't an option and positive reinforcement doesn'

Question

I have a 9yr old step daughter who consistantly gets in trouble at school. At least every other day she gets a discipline slip from school for talking too much, cheating on tests, not doing work, not obeying the rules after being told several times to do so. She hates homework (as most kids her age do) but will sit at a table for literally hours, picking at lint, fiddling with her pencil, and every other thing you can do other than homework. She gets into trouble far more than anyone else in her class.
The problem is that we have no consequences that she cares about. If she is banned from TV/video games, she has a little sister, cats, and other toys to play with. Even when she has been banned from all of the above, it can only last for one day out of the week because of the custody schedule with her mom. There is not one full day out of the week we have her so any banning of toys etc... ends when she goes to mom's house. Mom sucks at discipline and doesn't approve of spanking.

Answer 1

"Mom sucks at discipline, and doesn't approve of spanking." That's the key right there. This child has too many people in her life trying to give her too many forms of discipline. There's no consistency in her life, so her constantly getting into trouble at school is her way of "acting out". The schools have counselors, have you tried that? Also, if her mother wouldn't object, you could see a family therapist. Bring in an unbiased, objective third party. I wouldn't even consider putting an ADHD label on this situation. I don't believe in ADHD anyway. My daughter received a lot of notices at public school for talking too much during class as well. I now home school both of my kids, so it doesn't matter. However, I figured out why she was getting into so much trouble at school. She didn't like her teacher. Does your child like her teacher? If not, why? It's a good idea to find out why there may be some conflict. She also may be acting out at school because she's being shuffled from one house to another - having two different sets of parents, with two different ways of raising you, can be very stressful for a child.

Answer 2

Sounds like she is reacting mostly to the custody situation. It would be great if Mom would get on board and help but I know that soemtimes doesn't happen. Does Mom happed to be 'fueling the flames'. Nine is really tough for girls these days because puberty starts so young.

I don't believe spanking would help the situation anyway. It probably won't do much good right away but I would start with 1) have both you and your husband write her a personal letter to tell her how important she is to you, how much you love her and hate to see her ruining her life by acting out, and maybe talki about how difficult the cusstody situation musst be for her and invite her to talk too you about it. She might justs throw the letters away but it will actually do more good than trying to talk to her - she'll have to put on her 'tough face' in a face to face talk.

2) Since you really can't impose any 'punishments' have you considered extra rewards? I know a lot of people might think it's crazy but could you set-up a payment schedule for good behavior? And of course a deduction rate for bad behavior. Of cooursethis won't work if Mom can & will buy her anything she wants. Nie year old girls are at the beginning of that vain - tweenager age. They want stuff! If you can't reach her heart or head directly maybe you can rent it until she !hopefully! grows out of this stage.

Answer 3

You and your husband need to get with the girls mother and sit down as adults and decide on a way of parenting that will work. Nothing will work if yall are doing one thing and the next day she goes home to a new set of rules. There are many common rules that can be enforced in both households. Try to respect her mother and her views, she is however the mom, plus if the child hears you talking about her mom, she is sure to rebel against anything you say. Best of luck, nuclear families can be tricky but if all adults co-operate, things can get better. And don't forget that the most improtant thing is the child.

Answer 4

Sounds like her dad needs to step up and give her a good old fashioned spanking. He is her father has every right to do so. I would encourage him to take that step. It doesn't matter what mom thinks in regards to spanking, her father has the right to spank his own daughter. I can see how the mom would insist that you don't spank her, I agree with that, but COME ON DAD - The things you described she is doing in school is off the deep end. In our home getting in trouble at school, and cheating on tests would be automatic "pants down" spankings (like the old days) My girls know better. They know what the consequence is should the pull that kind of stuff. Your step daughter would mind the rules too, if the consequences were tuff enough.

Have your husband step up. I am not saying he should beat the crap out of her, but a good old fashioned spanking on the bare bottom, would do your step daughter wonders.

Sorry to suggest something you asked not to, but I am 100 percent positive our methods would work with your step daughter. No matter what, stay positive and things will turn out for the better

Best of luck to you

Answer 5

I have a 9 yr old boy that has the same problem, also from a broken home. I had him tested for adhd and it was negative. They said he was suffering from seperation anxiety and depression. He is also mentally 2 years ahead of most kids his age. School is very boring for him. He went to a counselor for awhile and it helped alot. The counseling was actually grief counseling. It taught him how to deal with the divorce and feelings he had.

I also agree that you have to get on the same page as mom. It took awhile with my ex, but since we started working together things changed drastically. All kids are going to play you against each other. Maybe a counselor is the way to go, they deal with the kids and the parents. Maybe someone from outside the situation will get the ex to change her ways.

My ex finally woke up when my son started telling stories and he called dcfs. It was all found to be false and he admitted to lying, but my ex looked like a real ***. My son thinks about everything he does. Guarenteed he has weighed the consequences before he acts. You just have to be one step ahead.

Answer 6

I would consider a few options, but they all involve a lot more time than you have. I guess the only thing that I can think of is to get a Nintendo or let her have computer time if she comes to you with no pink slip. You might also want to consider indulging her in something that her mother doesn't allow (like painting or ice cream) if she comes home with no pink slip.

Of course - it will be important for her to understand that the point is to not get into trouble. My first thought was homeschooling, which might not work for you, but it would eliminate the distractions that actually keep her from learning in school. You might consider threatening her with that (she will not likely want to leave her friends) unless she can learn to control herself and behave in a socially acceptable way. Of course the mom would have to be in on it and say the same things for that kind of threat to be effective, unless you make the decisions about her schooling.

Peace!

Answer 7

you and the mother need to get together with your daughter and work some kind of arrangement out. ask her what she wants. it could be the custody arrangements that you have now that is causing the problem.maybe she is having trouble at school or with something else and feels she cant talk about it. my daughter, also nine went through the same thing 6 months ago and tried to hang herself at school and the problem was bullying but she was to afraid to tell me in case she got into trouble. maybe look at other options like home schooling. hope it goes okay, good luck and wishing you the best.

Answer 8

Seriously, I suggest you take the child to a psychologist or psychiatrist (and do NOT put her on medication!). It appears that she is having some emotional difficulty and probably feels unwanted and inadequate. First, stop blaming her mother. You can't change that situation. However, you can make it better for your daughter. Also, schedule an appointment with the teacher and the school counselor and speak with both of them together about the problems your daughter is having. I wish you the best.

Answer 9

Maybe you can work something out with the ex. If your step daughter is like most nine year olds, she sees the opportunity to play both of you against her mother, because she senses the tension, resentment, etc.
I baby sit for a single dad who was having a similar problem, and he kept in constant contact with the teachers, and let them know exactly what was going on, he enrolled the kids in counseling with the social worker at school, so there is a buffer at school to help everyone get along.
The counselor held the mom accountable for her behavior, and eventually even testified in family court as to the effects her lack of discipline and parenting skills were having on her children, and she lost custody!
Good luck!!

Answer 10

ADHD! I have it, and I suffered in school with it before it even had a name! LOL My kids have it as well, but you can work around it. If your hubby has any say in the matter, get the child tested and get the results to the school. If indeed she is ADD or ADHD, the school must offer accomodations to her so that she can be educated properly like everyone else. I don't believe in medications for kids that young, but with some behavior modification, she can learn for herself how to recognize when she's off task. For homework (lemme tell you! my one child set the record on sitting for hours at the table!!) she must do work for 10-15mins, take a break, then back at it. You'll also have to understand that with this sort of disability, you must develop the patience of a saint. Just be thankful that you dont have it as well. Can you imagine me with ADD trying to keep on top of 2 girls with ADD?? It was comedy!