How can I help my 7 year old son express his emotions better?

Question

I've always had a hard time getting him to talk to me. I have sort of given up but I've realized that is a big mistake. Any conversation starters or other ideas? I just want to know if any other children are like this.

Answer 1

You've received some great answers here.

I would add only a few things that worked for me. I bought a poster that showed different facial expressions with the feeling word below the expression. Also, feeding back to the child what you think they might be feeling gives them words to give back to you. Children are not born knowing "this feeling" is called "despondent." Sometimes it helps to give a child a catch-all. In our house it was "I feel some kind of way." This was the way a child could say they weren't sure what to call what they felt or even why they felt the way they did.

A seven-year-old boy is not a man. He is not a girl, of course, but certainly there is no reason to write off his lack of communication as "male." Men are taught to keep it inside by parents who think this is the thing to do. While you certainly don't want to teach your child to talk to just any old body, it's more than appropriate for them to share with their parents, grandparents, even a sibling close in age.

A seven-year-old is plenty old enough to understand the emotions of others. If you feel frustrated, anxious, excited, bored, impatient, happy, mischevious -- tell him. "I feel excited about getting a new stereo. I also feel anxious because I'm not sure if I will understand the instructions. I think I will feel frustrated at first, but then I will feel accomplished once I've learned how it works."

Ask open-ended questions (questions that don't have a yes or no answer). Too, take him for walks or drives. Sometimes it's enough for a child to just spend time with their parent -- especially if they're sharing that time with other siblings. Done on a regular basis (once a week), you may find your child opening up all on his own.

I used to take all my kids for a ziploc bag walk. We'd go for a walk and collect things along the way -- bottle caps, sticks, feathers, etc. Be sure you know the route before you take them so as to avoid trashy areas. Once home, we picked and chose what we would glue to a big piece of poster board. It made for interesting Saturday afternoons and it was quite the conversation piece for visitors. Letting the children tell people about the different objects had me realizing just how much they remembered and how they perceived their world.

A particularly hard to communicate with child will often respond better to questions like "What do you suppose that bird is doing up there?" rather than "Why aren't you talking to me?"

While "I don't know" is a standard response for a child who doesn't like to talk, speculation on your part can't hurt ("I wonder if he goes to some sort of bird school and then comes back to do bird homework. I wonder what birds would learn in bird school.") If your child is well into more logical thinking vs play-thinking, speculate about reality ("I wonder what kinds of things birds eat.")

It's frustrating to have a non-talker, boy or girl, because as mothers we know most children are little chatterboxes -- even those who are painfully shy away from home. Find out what interests him and pursue it. Don't expect communication right away (it may take several weeks or more even with consistent interaction) but do keep interacting with him. When engaging in an activity of interest to him, keep the focus on him and his interest. Don't give into the temptation to sneak in an interest of your own -- there's time for that later. If he asks you, by all means share, but keep it short and deflect back to him.

Be sure to keep him involved by giving him chores that he is in charge of -- meaning no one else is allowed to do that chore nor are they allowed to comment on how he does it. Tell him "You are in charge of keeping things put away that end up on the living room floor" or "You are in charge of wiping down the counter fronts in the kitchen."

My son, about age 9, went through an especially quiet stage. I found family photos to be helpful. We would quietly go through them for the purpose of making a collage. Sometimes he would use markers to make words (it was a very basic version of scrapbooking), but often he would just look at the pictures and sometimes ask questions or have comments. Too, I bought him a camera (disposables would be the way to go these days) and let him loose. When the pictures were developed, I would sit quietly while he told me about things and people in the pictures. I made no judgements or suggestions for taking "better" pictures.

It was especially good for he and I to have quiet time alone because his sister (just 11 months younger) was/is hell on wheels. I had to spend a lot of time with her, and this was time not spent directly with him. Making time to spend with him made it all the more special for both of us.

Honestly, those quiet times were some of the sweetest moments I'd ever spent with him.

Answer 2

Hello, I have a 5 year old boy like that! It can be extremely frustrading. I have learned alot from a praenting class... What I started doing was VALIDATING his feelings.. I know this may sound a little chessy to some but it works. But not just doing it when you want him to talk to you but all the time. So for example I really started tuning into my sons feelings. when I saw he was feeling excited, sad, mad, happy, frustraded I would say wow son it looks like your frustraded can I help you? This way you respect his personal boundries. When you start validating his feeling ona more normal basis I found my son opened up ALOT. at first I think he thought what are doing???? He was confused seeing the change. but in the end it has changed our lives dramatically... Also when aproaching your son when he is upset say " I see that your upset would you like to talk about it?" If he says "no" then simply say "ok, I will be here when are ready to talk with me... I love you!" and leave it at that. I hope this helps you some. Please know that all children are different and not everything that works for me will work for you and vise versa. I have learned that parenting is trial and error.... Good Luck and Take Care :)

Answer 3

We use an art journal. It's a notebook with just white at the top, for pictures, and lines at the bottom. We found it at Wal-Mart, but you could make your own on the computer.
We do simple stuff...like, draw something good that happened today, and something bad. Draw me something you did to help someone today. Draw a picture of something you did right today....draw a picture of something that made you really angry, or sad, or frustrated....you get the picture....
The deal is, I have to do all of the writing (this is supposed to be fun, not homework), and the kids dictate to me (they REALLY like this part!). They explain the picture to me, and end up telling me stuff I never would have heard any other way. Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, it really lifts me up, because I hear about good things they've done, and I might not have noticed ANYTHING good that day!

Answer 4

Lots of children go throught his stage, very often boys so you are not alone. The biggest step is to ensure that your son knows what different emotions are. One game I play with my clients that usually is educational all the way around is the following:

Large piece of paper: Looks Like Sounds Like

Have the kids draw out or act out emotions that you list or have them come up with and you have to guess based on the above criteria. You will probably find that many emotions we believe our kids should know they do not.......don't forget to take your turn. They can show the emotion by expression on their face or have you close your eyes and guess by their words/noises what the emotion is. Lots of variations on the game.......all work well and if the adult plays too much more informative.......Sometimes if kids are having a lot of difficulty it is best to start with a list of different emotions to chose from.

Its a good place to start........have fun!

Answer 5

Try prompting how he might be feeling, by saying things like'" if that happened to me I would feel very sad, disappointed, angry etc". It is vital to build into our children an emotional vocabulary in order for them to begin to identify what and how they are feeling. You may need to do a lot of prompting but keep it focused on how you would be feeling, rather than how he should be feeling. Children learn by imitation . It is important to make a safe place for them to express their feelings without retribution, condemnation, embarrassment or reprisal. Any sense of condemnation or failure on his behalf will only make things worse. Rather encourage him and thank him for telling you how he feels. Respond with phrases such as " it is OK to be sad etc, because I would be as well". Express back to him what you have heard him say, and respond with acceptance. It takes time to teach a new vocabulary, and to create a safe place. Allow his emotion to be expressed, then to subside and when he is calm, then discuss the situation and together work out a solution should an issue arise that warrant one.

Answer 6

Men and women think and act differently....VERY differently. This is the source of the problem. Your son is acting like a normal little boy but it seems weird to you because you are a woman, not a man. The realization of this is the best way to handle it. Whenever your son does (or fails to do) something that seems not to make sense or be healthy, understand that the most likely reason is because men and women are very different. He is normal and probably doing exactly what he should be. So don't worry.

Hehehe.....that goes for 90% of the arguments you may have with men. Whenever a man does (or fails to do) something that pisses you off, understand that the reason isn't what you think it is. The reason is this difference in the way men and women think and behave. You can't change it and really shouldn't try except in extreme cases. You just accept it.

Answer 7

Hey,
I downloaded Mad Caps for free here: http://bit.ly/1BDAEd2

it's a perfectly working link!
For your entertainment, Mad Caps features three game modes, allowing you to spend several hours of healthy entertainment. In addition, if you meet your goals, you can access interesting bonuses.
It's a really nice game.

Answer 8

I would start easy. I started with this question to my grandson, who was just like your son is."Son, if I ask you a question, would you give me an honest answer?" Then If he says "OK" ask him whatever you want to know, reassure him his answer goes no further then you, and whatever he answers, you will always love him.

Take your time, and don't force any issues. This will reassure him that you can be trusted, and at some point he will start to talk to you more. Start these talks with one day a week. working your way up to more questions or more days for questions.

In your case, my first question would be"Son,Have I ever said anything to you, to make you sad or afraid of me, and if I did, would you please tell me what that was?" If he doesn't answer you , tell him to just think about it for awhile, and you will talk about it with him later. That way it gives him time to think, and prepare.

If after a while it doesn't seem to be working for you, I would seek counseling.

Answer 9

just try to make him gain ur trust and then eventually he will open up to u if that doesnt work then may be u should get a book on kids with emotional problems

Answer 10

Let your son you love him, and just talk about anything together, maybe a TV show, play games with him etc.