how do you say goodbye?

Question

i am 21 years old and have been the adult in the relationship with my father as long as i can remember. He was abusive to me as a child yet i still feel sorry for him, i feel responsible for him!how do i find the strength to say what i really feel and get him out my life for good?He's a drinker though so there is a chance he might do something stupid!

just in response, i havnt lived woth him since i was 5, my mum walked out with us cos of the drink, however, i didnt understand the abuse or see his drink problem till a was a teenager. so he is already alone and im what he has left. yes im responsible for my own happiness, but the question is can i be that selfish?

Answer 1

Its not selfish to preserve your emotional and mental state. Tell him why you are breaking away, do it and stick to it. Also give him the conditions under which you will be willing to consider engaging in any relationship with him. Its hard but you have to apply tough love, I'm sure your mum did.

You just say "I will always love you but I can do it in this state. Get help for your problem and work on drying out. Until then I have to say goodbye. " He will probably come back with I can't do it without you. At which point you give him a nicely framed picture of yourself tell him you will always be there but he will have to prove his love. you would be proving yours by breaking away.

If he threatens suicide or the like, ask him whether he loves you if he says yes. Then tell him he won't do it. He would have to hate you to top himself. Ask him what kind of future he would want for the two of you (your graduation, grandchildren, leading you down the aisle, being there for you and all that should be his response). Then tell him how much more achievable it would be without his mate Al (Al Cohol..d'ya geddit!!). It depends on who he loves more you or Al. Remember Al will kill him you won't.

You need to let him go. You are too young and I feel for you. I had been very much an adult in the relationship with my father and although he did not have a good friend called Al He had two others called Bitterness and Resentment who he still insists on carrying around with him. So I control my interaction with him because he drained me for a very long time. Now that I am a parent, I don't want my child inheriting it knowingly or unkowingly.

Breakaway, let him know your reasons, stick to your conditions on reconnecting and follow through.

Good luck my dear, I don't need to tell you to be strong, you have demonstrated it..

Answer 2

Will it make you feel better by telling him - it is a difficult situation as you may end up feeling worse off than before and then worry about him doing something stupid. He will suffer for his sins either way.
What he did was wrong but I cannot see from your question if you have spoken to him about it in the past or if he has ever apologised. If you do not want him around then you should tell him but don't feel responsible for him you have your own life to live.

Answer 3

Write him a letter, then you get the opportunity to say all that has been pent up inside of you for so long and if you feel strong enough you could read him the letter and if not then send it to him. By writing the letter you are making him aware of all of what has hurt you makes him take ownership of his actions and can free you from them! As for what he might do to himself, he is an adult and responsible for him own actions and to make you feel guilt is horrible thing!
You have to be strong and move forward with your life and let go of your demons from the past as they will only keep you there.

Answer 4

Accept him how he is or hope he will change. However, you sound mature enough to realise he's a grown man who has not behaved well. Don't hate him as this will simply make you feel bad, rather accept he is not perfect, but at the same time move on with your life and leave him if needs be. This leaves your mind free not to hold grudges but break from the cycle of feeling guilty or feeling angry so he can't hurt you anymore either in person or at a distance.

Answer 5

You need to find the strength to tell him how you feel. You are not responsible for him being a drunken abusive father, that's all on him. It's hard not to feel sorry for him because he is your father but try and tell him that unless he straighten out his life that he cannot be a part of yours. If he does do something stupid it will be his lame way of trying to make you feel guilty for dumping him. Tell him to get his act together.

Answer 6

You may have a situation where you might not want to get into a confrontation...just leave a note and leave. You can always contact him by phone or a letter in a week or two and explain that you felt it was time you got on with your life and this was the best way you could think of to do it.

Answer 7

This kinda reminded me of myself, Because in certain moments I feel this way and certain things like that have happened to me but then again I just cannot say goodbye. May be you should talk about it to him and not say goodbye.

Although I do understand that you just want to get out of it and move on. But I somehow feel that If you do say goodbye, you will feel guilty because things are not always that easy.

I know from life that sometimes, we are just in some relationship with someone that we need to take care of. And it is not easy, it is not meant to be easy. It just happens to us and we have to get through it.

I just wish you good luck with it, whatever you decide to do because that's not an easy thing... and I don't know f I have helped anyhow. Hope I did.
Love, Nel

Answer 8

Thats not selfish hun, thats just wanting to give yourself the decent life that youy deserve. It will be hard leaving him as you have been responsible for him for so long, but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind - maybe if hes all alone he will realise what a mess he is and sort it. Good luck!!

Answer 9

say your peace and tell him how you feel tell him you don't like the abuse but he is your dad and that you forgive him for what he has done, tell him that you love him and you want what is best for him and offer to go to some aa meetings with him, tell him if he can't show you the respect you deserve than you are not going to talk to him any more. Tell him you don't want to be treated like that. And it is no way your fault you need to realize that and just forgive him and walk away. I wish I could help you more but sometimes you have to walk away from those you love and pray for their protection and that is the best thing you can do.

Answer 10

You need to call the cops and get your father prosecuted. You don't ever need to confront him unless you want to. He needs to be in prison for what he's been doing to you! And then find a really good therapist who can help you through your feelings of responsibility and your fear. None of it was your fault and he is not your responsibility. He is a sick man who needs to be punished for preying on the most vulnerable person in his life. And I promise that you can get through this and move on to live a healthy and fulfilled life. Good luck, hun.