COntest!!!!?

Question

okay I want everyone's favorite joke the best one gets points!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I just bought a new radio

It responds by voice command.

When i say pop it plays pop

When i say rock it plays rock

Today, 2 kids ran in front of my car and i screamed f*ckin kids!

It started playing Michael Jackson....

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Boy: Mama is god black or white?
Mama: God is both black and white.
Boy: Mama, is god a man or a woman?
Mama: God is both a man and a woman.
Boy: Mama, is god straight or gay?
Mama: God is both straight and gay.
Boy: Mama, is god Michael Jackson???
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There was once a Japanese man who got a job at the local supermarket, however he couldn't speak english.

A man came up to him and said "how much does this cost?'
The japanese man didnt respond because he couldn't speak english. The manager came up and said "nonononono" "say 5 dollars"

Next, a woman came up and said " is this bread fresh?"
The japanese man once again said nothing the manager came up and scolded him and said"say fresh fresh very fresh"

Later, a little girl came up and said "mister, should i buy this?" the japanese man didn't say anything, and the manager came up and said "no say"quick! before somebody else does!""

Before the japanese man was about to leave, 2 robbers came up and said "how much ya got on ya"
"5 dollars" said the japanese man
"is it fresh from the mint?"
"fresh fresh very fresh"
"Should we bop your brains out?"
"Quick! before somebody else does!"


:-D

Answer 2

ok heres a couple that crack me up every time: some are long but definitely worth it!

no offense to anyone by these jokes, theyre just jokes.

yo mommas so ugly she scared a blind man.
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An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
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gay man walks into a deli and orders a stick of pepperoni. The deli man says " Do you want that sliced?" To which the gay guy says "What, do you think my *** is a piggy bank?"
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How did PINOCCHIO find out he was made of wood? when his hand caught on fire.
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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall. "He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW, Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure . The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Answer 3

Music Joke:

A C, an Eb, and a G walk into the bar. The Eb goes to order a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here." So the Eb leaves, and the C and the G share a fifth between them.

Cracks me up every time!

Answer 4

there's three guys stuck on a desert island.
a guy from Colorado...
a guy from Nebraska...
and a guy from Texas...
they find a genie in a bottle, and he gives them all one wish. the Nebraskan, says,
"well, i figure I'd like 40 acres of land that sowed, watered, and harvested itself back home."
the genie snapped his fingers, and the Nebraskan was gone. back home to Nebraska.
the Texan said,
"well, i want a wall that goes all the way around Texas, so the Texans stay in Texas, and everybody else stays out."
the genii snapped his fingers and the Texan was gone.
the guy from Colorado stood there in the sand a moment, and then said to the genie,
"tell me about this wall."
the genie replied,
"well, it's 40 feet high, and 3 feet thick, and it goes all the way around Texas, even by the Golf of Mexico."
the Coloradan was quiet for a moment more.
then he said with a small smile,
"fill it with water."
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sorry if i offended anyone with this, it's just a joke. it's just that the Texans come to our ski resorts and slow down our lines in Colorado, so we make fun of them. but my best friend in the whole world is a Texan, so no one be offended!

Answer 5

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Answer 6

at a bar two men were having a conversation, talking about their women. The white guy says his women always makes love to him. The black man wanted to know how he gets her too. He said, " I write her poems , like dear, with your long blonde hair, and beautiful eyes of blue, i want to make sweet love to you."
The black guy said, " i am going to have to try that".
The next day they saw eachother again, the black guy with a black eye. The white guy asked what did he do, and he replied, " just what you told me, i recited something nice too, but she hit me, and kicked me out." Well what did you say to her, asked the white guy. Nappy hair, nappy hair, eyes like a frog, i wanna bend you over and do you like a dog.

Answer 7

i'm not in a tell a joke mood sorry