Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Question

My husband and I just moved to Washington state (he's in the army). He doesn't spend time as a family when he is home, but yet he wants me to have the energy to go out and do things I don't necessarily think are fun, in public, which seems to be the only place where he will act like a parent. Our daughter, Danielle, is 10 months old. Why is he so hung up on us doing "memorable" things outside the house when he can't even be a memorable parent at home? He wants us to drive out to the ocean, even though it's cold and rainy and a 1 and 1/2 hour drive, and nothing to do for a baby there. Why can't he just go do these things himself? Does he not get that Danielle is still really young and would benefit more from just spending time with him at the park or from him reading her a story or taking her for a walk and talking to her? I feel bad for not wanting to do things like this when it is so cold. He complains that he's going to miss everything. Yet he passes up opportunities everyday?

Answer 1

I am so glad that I am not the only one that while at home is like Hello, I could use a hand here,! While in public he is "Super Dad". I tried to talk to my husband about it, and he acted innocent and like I was losing it. So, I got my revenge. The next time we were in public and he wanted to play Super Dad, I walked away and he was forced to be Super Dad. Then when we go somewhere now, he has to get himself and the baby dressed while I get myself together and the diaper bag. Listen up ladies, who in the world said we have to do it alone? Even stay at home moms, like myself. I found that even though the hubby works out of the home, we are doing just as much if not more work, and yes, there are times that we need to take for ourselves. In return , we are better moms and spouses and people in general.
So, the next time this happens if talking it out does not work then let him play the Super Dad part to the fullest! It always shows them!

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with venting out your feelings and discussing what you might be doing wrong or right. If you are not discussing these thoughts with him, that could pose an issue. The fact that he is in the Army alone states why he wants to do things in the spur of the moment, as in his field, you are truly not guaranteed another moment, so when he feels the need to do something with this family, that's his way of expressing what he feels to be right. It's not that he doesn't want to be a family oriented male, it's just that he's not the family oriented male that you expect. Let's say you are more sensible, reliable, nurturing, loving, sensitive, etc....he seems to be more spontaneous, less reliable, but reliable in the sense of finances and taking care of his family...that could all do in how the both of you were raised. If you tell him these thoughts and he isn't getting it, when he suggest going out on a spontaneous adventure, go ahead and do it, but change it around where you and he agree to a certain destination that is safe and memorable for all three of you. (You are a Woman you can Do it!) He wouldn't be in the Army risking his life, if you and Danielle, weren't in his life...You all are his EVERYTHING....Never forget that and even when you don't feel like it...and it's sensible...try to make it where you all can enjoy it.
Enjoy and be Safe...(smiles)

Answer 3

I agree with you, 100%. I would talk to him, as mentioned. Let him know there are many ways to bond and spend time with a child and one of them is at home...being a parent. I think he just doesn't see it, not that he doesn't care. If he's not doing these things at home, you're probably too worn out to go running anyhow. Good luck!

EDIT: The thoughts being expressed of him needing to do big things since he's in the army (especially w/everything going on)makes a lot of sense and is a great point.

Answer 4

He is young and might be feeling a bit influenced by how he is treated by others as a Military person. And likes it so he enjoys being out in the public with his family.

You need to get him to communicate to you what it is that motivates his actions so don't be critical. It is nice he wants his family with him. He could be one of those who would rather leave you behind. Does he wear his uniform every where he goes?

I think what I would do is use it to my advantage. Plan public outings with him and make sure that his daughter takes advantage of as much attention as she possibly can get from her Daddy. You take advantage too and enjoy the free time. Praise him in public, tell everyone what a good Daddy he is when we are out and about, he is just wonderful and how much you appreciate it.

Try to go along and enjoy the journey. See what transpires in time. Help plan outings.

If you are tired you need to deal with that yourself. You only have one child. So get some rest. Plan your day better. Work on self.

Is the TV going all the time at home? Do you play Music your husband enjoys? What is your home life like? Is it picked up? Does is smell good? Or does it stink? Maybe he doesn't want to stay home because of how the home is.

You are his wife. Make it some where he would like to be. Ask him if he wants to have a card night with his buddys? Clean house!

Do you make the bed every day? Does it look like a bed room a man would want to make love to his woman in or is it just a dump?

Is the refrigerator dirty. Do you have a fresh bowl of fruit on the table? What kind of home do you keep? Are there baby toys all over the floor all the time, nothing picked up? Dirty baby bottles? Have you potty trained your daughter yet?

There are lots of things to consider. Good luck.

Answer 5

you have different orientations.
different outlooks.
if you want your hubby to have a relationship with the child.
think about doing the things he wants to do.
if you send him to the beach alone then there's also no family time. compromise in what you are willing to do.
it's not so bad. you are busy condemning how he wants to live. perhaps he feels the same about you "homebody"
his idea of family time is different than yours.
personally i know a lot of people who have the tv on at home all the time. that's not family time! i think getting them out of the house, even if you are in a car driving to the beach, is better.
you can always take pictures etc when you get where he wants to go. i would just seek situations where he WILL act like a parent and not insist he do it on your terms. you're lucky to have a guy who will under any circumstances.

Answer 6

i had this same problem with my man, where he would seem like the best father and be able to connect with our daughter much easier in public than at home, where he seemed to just not know what to do. we had a nice long talk about it, and it turns out, he just felt uncomfortable around her, he didnt know what to do to connect with her. after talking to alot of my friends about it, we came to the conclusion that he should be allowed to do anything he comes up with. come on, you obviously live in a cold area, and your daughter isnt that young, im sure you have warm clothes to bundle her up. let him take her where he wants, and enjoy those times. i would also take turns with todd choosing activities, one day he would choose, the next day i would choose. this really helped, because he was forced to interact on my days, and still got to do the things that were his idea. another thing i found myself doing that really affected todds fathering, and required a majior wake up call from a friend was this. every time todd went to do something for the baby, be it a diaper change, or a bath, i would critique him. all the way down to the way he fastened the tabs on her diapers. i thought i was being helpful, and teaching him the "tricks" so to speak. all i was really doing was making him feel inadequate as a father, (you know how men are, theyre very different from us in this sort of way.) and after a while, he would just stop offering to do things because he felt he couldnt do them right. took a week or two, but i learned to keep my trap shut! so what if he doesnt do it the way i do, at least hes doing it. one more thing. the military offers tons of support for the families and especially the wives. i dont know your husbands past, but perhaps he didnt have a father that interacted with him in a loving way. try to make friends with other families with children (in a covert way, you dont want him to think youre choosing his friends for him.) then when youre all doing something together, it will help him to learn how to interact with his kid. (this was part of todds problem, he had an abusive father.) i have taken many steps to foster friendships with other married couples with children, and it seems to have helped.

Answer 7

You're not wrong for feeling the way you do, but you need to talk to him about it. Try to find a compromise, sometimes going out, sometimes staying in, or going to the park, etc. Has he formed a bond with the baby at all? Maybe that is part of the problem, if he hasn't formed a bond he doesn't know what to do with her. Talk with him. Good luck

Answer 8

You need to simply explain it to him. Tell him "Danielle would think that just reading w/ you is "memorable"....she can look back & say "My Daddy reads with me all the time".....Tell him "I would be content with......" "These kinds of things(use some examples park, library, story time,...etc) make great comforting memories. Explain to him that the weather is not suited for such a young child right now & if he wants to go-go. Explain to him that you don't have the energy for some of this stuff yet. Just have a real heart-to-heart with him. Hopefully he will understand.

Answer 9

Why did he kiss you. Did he decide on up a sign that made him consider you have been interested. And to name him a jerk and forget about him and deal with him terrible for the reason that he used to be a foul kisser and also you did not wish him to kiss you. Give me a holiday. One day karma will chunk you within the ***. And sure you're fallacious, manner fallacious.

Answer 10

talk to him , but ease him into the problem at hand , sounds like he s a new dad that wants to do it all , but at 10 months the baby woont even remember these trips.maybe you two could compromise? a day doing what he chooses and then a day doing what you choose?, but he should relax a little if you let him know you understand his worries, and that you r willing to meet him halfway. sounds like you may need a play date for just the two of you.? hope everything works out for you guys , good luck , and god bless