sex advice please?

Question

ok this is the story my boyfriend loves sex and so do I , the problem is he is in to the tie me up and spank me stuff i explained to him that I like to try new things but that would probably be something i wouldnt do , He said to me that it would mean that I would lose control is this true ? I had a bad past at the age of 12 I was violated badly and I am afraid of the situation i really want to try it am I just being crazy about it? I have talked to my b/f about it but he keeps bringing it up i mean he is obsessed with it I catch him all the time looking online at pic and stuff please help not sure what to do he knows i will pretty much try anything

Answer 1

Why don't you tell him that you will do this only if he lets you tie him up first and spank him?

Answer 2

What I think that you both need to do is sit down and talk about what each of you NEED in the relationship. If bondage and spanking is one of your boyfriend's needs, and it likely is if he's "always" looking for it online or talking about it, then you have to consider if your own needs and his needs can coexist. If not, then you have to part ways. If you try to make the relationship work when you know that your needs won't work together, then you're both being selfish. Yes, I said BOTH of you. His needs are just as important as yours. This is the basis of a loving relationship. The needs of both people are met, and usually a lot of each other's wants.

Before you consider this need of his to be the breaking point of your marriage, consider whether you could be worked slowly into trying these things that he asks for. If he cares about you, he'll be willing to put his needs on the backburner as long as there's a promise of being able to indulge them in the future when you're ready.

Also, consider if it's the loss of control, or specific actions that would affect you as you fear. It's not uncommon in the BDSM community for a Dominant to unwittingly push a hidden button in a submissive's psyche that brings back a past trauma. Consider what your triggers are, and tell your boyfriend so he'll know not to do those things.

Also, when you are willing to experiment, be sure that your boyfriend is on the lookout for any signs that you're starting to freak out. When he does, then he should remove you from the situation and hold you until you're calm, then discuss what happened to learn what it was that caused it. Then, he needs to learn not to do those things.

Sometimes, though, it might not be a matter of not doing those things, so much as not doing them without your knowledge or say. Simply telling you what he's about to do would give you a chance to prepare yourself mentally for that action if it's something that would normally take you over the edge. Another tactic that he could use would be to ask you before each thing that he's going to do so you can nod when you're ready, signalling that you've prepared yourself for it and think you can take it.

Answer 3

I think that because your boyfriend knows of the exact reason you dont feel comfortable doing this should be way more understanding and respectful twords you. I mean honastly he should just let this one go, now I can see that since it sounds like you guys are comfortable enough together to do lots of things and you probly trust him not to hurt you or all the sudden go crazy and never untie you or something he is thinking whats up, and that maybe he can push you into it kind of like how a lot of guys have to do with a lot of girls for anal sex from what I've heard anyways I think you should just talk seriously make him see you as an adult and a woman not just the ditzy girlfriend if he's like that and say look you know what happened to me and you need to respect me on this or i'm not going to feel comfortable doing anything with you if thats how your gonna treat me and that you'll keep considering it and try to come to terms with it but in the meantime its no and you'll let him know if you change your mind, again push the not doing anything because you'll feel like he's a jerk and wont trust him anymore!!! I mean seriously thats wrong of him and maybe if he would be that way and give up the fight you might find thats all you needed to feel toatlly secure and be able to do it. I also wanted to add ah whats with the pictures on the computer I know tons of guys are getting away with it but in my relationship its a no no we both agree it is a form of cheating and is not acceptable at all I wont get all into the reasons but I dont believe he should be doing it, wanting to do it, or "allowed" to do it, again I know tons do but it isnt right. Good Luck Kim

Answer 4

I love to try new stuff and am open to almost anything and lets face it sex is the one thing in life we can enjoy and is free. After years of experience I can tell you if both do not agree and feel rather turned off by the act in some way it is best to let it go. I think he should respect your feelings and I would be some what concerned that he looks at the other on the net. Hey just my thoughts I am not a professional and only am sharing my feelings.

Answer 5

You're scared to lose control and you should be. Who is this guy he has made no commitment to you. You identified him as your boyfriend; you would feel more comfortable if you were married and their was a commitment. You shouldn't even sleep with him unless your married. You shouldn't seal the deal unless there's a commitment on his part. He feels, why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free. But I'm an old man who knows nothing. Just play off my advice as that of a old dinosaur who don't know nothing. If you want good advice ask your Mom or Dad. If you're embarrassed; its a sure sign you're doing wrong.

Answer 6

Honey, if you've already explained to him why you aren't into B&D/spanking (because of bad memories) he SHOULD WANT to keep you safe/sane. You seem like a very open-minded person (sexually) and he should be extremely stoked about that! Some women won't do anything other than missionary, if you know what I mean. If he really loves you and wants you to be happy, he'll drop it and won't bring it up anymore. How dare he keep bringing it back up to you and essentially begging for it. There are plenty of other things y'all can do to keep your sex life exciting. If he can't let this fantasy go...then you may have to let him go...

Good luck, hon. Best wishes for you and the relationship.

Answer 7

Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. If he cared, he wouldn't keep asking you to try something you don't really want to do. I understand the whole "trying new things" attitude, so, if you decide to go through with it, have a key word that will be your stop word. If you say it he HAS to stop. Then, you can actually try it but if you start to not like it you'll be ok. But make sure you're both in agreement and that he will actually stick to stopping if you say that word. Personally, I don't think he should be asking you to do something you're unsure about. Don't let him pressure you if you're not sure about it. If you decide to try it, make sure it's because you want to, not to please him. The whole "lose control" thing has a little to do with it, but come on! if you were violated at age 12 of course you don't want to lose control. He's got some nerve. Just please, please, PLEASE don't do anything you don't want to do. If he's that into it, let him get his jollies elsewhere. you don't need to put up with that. You deserve better.

Answer 8

Seems your boyfriend is being selfish. He's aware of your past? Then why would he pressure you into this? Please do not do it "for him". don't let fear of losing him or disapointing him drive yu to do something you don't want to do. If you do, it will be a painful experience for you & you will resent him for it. It'll only cause problems. If you are interested in trying it, but you have reservationa about it, try tying him up first. Also, he could tie you loosely so you can get out at any time or he could spank you with out being tied first... ease into it, but only if you WANT to for YOU. Good luck.

Answer 9

I am really sorry for what happened to you when you were 12. I am surprised that you are so willing to try new sexual things now. However, since you are, let me give you my phone number... just kidding.
But I am amazed that you b/f isn't willing to try things. He is into the control thing with you and as long as you are submissive and let him spank you, he is happy. He controls you and he is your master. Thats the message you two are sending each other. So if you let him tie you up and spank you, what is he obsessed with? Ask him if he wants to see you with another girl. Ask him if he wants to watch you touch yourself. That works sometimes. Its a difficult situation if he isn't willing to concede a little. You may have to insist. Good luck.

Answer 10

i think your bf is WAY out of line. its cool to try new things, you have to expereince everything once. but if you told him you have had a bad expereince as a child with this and you are scared to do it. than don't. don't let a man talk you into anything you don't want.
maybe someday you will be comfortable to try it or maybe you could tie him up instead. hopefully you can talk with him and find a comfortable middle ground.
but if you keeps talking about it and bringing it up when he knows you are uncomfortable with it then he's just over stepping the lines. and that is violating you in a new way.

Answer 11

Hopefully your bf loves you enough to respect your wishes. However if it is really important to him you might want to give it a try. Use a safe word like "peaches" that you wouldnt generally say during an intimate moment. This word will let him know that he has to stop right away. If you dont think he will listen to the safeword then you should not do it