How do I accept being a stay at home mom?

Question

I've been a stay at home mom for over 4 1/2 years, since I got pregnant with my first right after finishing school and getting married. But I still struggle with not feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile. I couldn't imagine putting my 3 girls in daycare, and all the money I would make working would probably just go towards paying for the daycare. But I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything all day, when all I do is hold my screaming infant and fulfill my toddler and preschooler's every whim. Even if I do get chores actually done I still feel like I should be doing more but can't. Does anyone have any advice or encouragement?

Answer 1

Wow - three tiny ones... That's gotta be a handful all in itself! It's hard to put a "price tag" on the "work" you do for your children, because of the reward you get from it. But if you feel like you're not doing enough, and daycare would be a crazy idea, then try doing things outside the house with the kids. Sign the 2 older ones up in an activity (ballet, gymnastics, whatever). It will get you out of the house and give you the feeling of having somewhere you need to be at a certain time - to feel more "important and independent". Also, think about taking some night classes at a local college. (It's a great way to get some baby-free time, without feeling as guilty as you would going out all night with "the girls" - if you still have any!) Get connected with other moms your age - plan outings, do anything that gives you a sense of responsibility. But believe me, with 3 kids under 5 years old, you are accomplishing A LOT - even if the laundry doesn't get finished, and the dishes are stacking up, and whatever else you don't get a chance to do. Those things will still be waiting for you tomorrow - you're kids are growing up today - don't miss out!

Answer 2

If you can't imagine putting the girls in daycare, then there's nothing else to consider. Raising the kids is an important job. However, if you would consider putting them in daycare or hiring someone to babysit the three of them, and work to pay for that, this could perhaps give you a feeling of accomplishment that will make you an even better mom. Because you would enjoy more the time spent with the girls, instead of this being a routine and sometimes not so pleasant (screaming, changing and all that). Plus, teh children will have a role model of a mother who has a more complete personality, because you must be careful, the kids must not be your whole life, it will make you too overprotective with them in the long run. So, perhaps you could try to find a part time job, and see how it goes? Or a job that you can do from home? Or at least a hobby or a volunteering activity?

Answer 3

Concentrate on the fact that loads of "real jobs"* nowadays are meaningless. How "worthwhile" is being a (say) salesperson? A corporate schmucko? I have a hard time seeing most jobs as being "worthwhile."

Books I would recommend:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Free-Tom-Hodgkinson/dp/0241143217
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Idle-Tom-Hodgkinson/dp/0141015063/sr=1-2/qid=1168369872/ref=sr_1_2/203-2583548-5957526?ie=UTF8&s=books

(not really specific to the issue of 'SAHMing,' but good cut-the-BS advice)

And spending some years at home with your children -- I'll bypass the obvious about how good it is for them; it's already been covered by other answers here -- it's not as though that dooms you to never ever leaving the house. See:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_pelosi#Early_life_and_career

"After her youngest child became a high school senior, Pelosi worked her way up in Democratic politics to become party chairwoman for Northern California..."

Volunteer work and freelance writing are good ways to do _something_, frequently meaningful something, without getting a "job."

I think you've answered a lot of your own question by saying day care's not really an option, and any salary you drew would just go to paying for it. Not that I don't sympathise with the feeling that you're not doing much -- it's just not true, and the alternative -- a probably pointless job (no offence; it's just that a good number of 'careers' are meaningless) that just pays for somebody else to do what you're doing -- is nonsense.

Re. "hold my screaming infant and fulfill my toddler and preschooler's every whim" -- you _are_ doing something. And I suspect you're doing it fairly well.


* No, no -- I do _not_ mean to imply that being at home with three children does not equal a real job, hence the quotation marks. I suspect it's harder than most 9-to-5 stuff.

Answer 4

This is a difficult area to address. I too am a stay at home mom. I know how you feel, I've been one for many many years. My eldest is 21, my youngest is 8. That's all I know is staying at home with my children. Is there some sort of home business you could look into? Maybe that might help. I hope you understand that raising your children isn't a bad thing. It is completly worth while, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. But, if this isn't something you want then maybe it's time to look into something else. You are doing so much more than holding your screaming infant and fullfilling your other childrens needs. You are being a great mom, you don't have to put their needs in front of yours. Stay at home moms work very hard too. I sometimes wish there was more too, I understand. It sounds a bit to me like maybe you need a break. Maybe some time with other grown ups rather than little children all day. Is there anyone who can watch the children for a few hours a couple times a month? Then you and your husband could have some alone time and maybe even go out with other adults. That may help you feel better. Or maybe you could get involved in a mommy group. I used to live in an area that had one of these and they went out for coffee and then to the park and had movie days. If there isn't one then maybe you could start one. I would imagine there are other stay at home moms in your area. It may be worth looking into.

Yahoo also has a bunch of groups for stay at home moms. You could do a yahoo group search for one in your area or just one to be involved with online. It's fun, they offer lots of support and tips.

I hope this helps you a bit. I know it's hard and you may feel like you're not doing anything worth while, but you really are. I admire your honesty and truthfulness. It's hard to admit that. You're doing a great job and I bet the children love you for it. Even if they don't always show it! LOL

Hey, feel free to email me anytime you what. You could always use me as a sounding board to talk about how you feel. I'll listen, if you want. Have a great day!

Answer 5

I am also a stay at home mom. It was great a first but that did not last long. I pick 2 things a day for myself to accomplish(like reading the paper or finishing a puzzle). I had to learn there is only so much I could do in one day even when there was more to be done. It might also help if you picked up a new hobby something to keep your mind busy (kids are great but not to have conversations with all of the time). Pace your self and always remember there is tomorrow.

Answer 6

You are doing the most important job in the world! Who else can ensure those babies get the best care, nutrition, parental guidance, and love? Why pay someone else to just set your babies in a corner and ignore them?

I wish I could be a stay at home mom. Right now my husband looks after our baby during the day while he goes to school at night. He might manage to do the laundry during the day at best. We both think that caring for our baby and spending time with her is more important than keeping the house sparkley clean and having a "martha stewart" kind of home. We clean house together on the weekends which makes it easier for both of us.

Your children are only this young once. They will all be in school soon, and you will have time to work, go to school, volunteer, or whatever you like.

For now, just remember how lucky you are to have 3 beautiful children and be able to provide them with the best care possible. It is a hard job, I know. You are accomplishing more than you are giving yourself credit for.

By the way, back in the eary 90's, I used to get paid $300 a week, plus room, board, and a car to drive and gas money, just to basically play with 1 baby 5 days a week. I didn't have to do any cooking, housework or anything other than take care of the baby. How much do you think you would get paid to do what you do with 3 kids in 2007? Don't tell me you're not accomplishing anything!

Answer 7

I too am a stay at home mom. (8 years for me). I feel like you do too sometimes. That is when I have to find something fun and educational to do with the kids. Sometimes it is a nature walk. That is how my son learned his colors. Sometimes it is finding leaves and then coloring over them. Things like that. Things that build memories. And if I still feel worthless and like I am not contributing I quit for a few days. I just take basic care of the kids and barely anything around the house. That really opens my eyes. It also makes hubby say.. Thank you for everything you do around here. You would be surprised at how much children can make a mess and you don't notice because you are doing your "job". Good luck

Answer 8

I know what you say. You do need some kind of self fulfillment. Daycare sux and in every way. Baby sitting isn't good either, when you are already doing that all day. If your husband isn't opposed to it. try getting a part-time job that is opposite his work hours. Then he has just a little of what you get with the girls and you have just a little of what he gets with self fulfillment. "do part time" or it could have worse ramifications than remedy

Answer 9

I know what you are saying But Please remember it is a gift to get to stay home with your 3 girls.I got a Job when my kids, was 15 and my daughter was 9 and my son was 6 I waited till my last one was in Kindergarten,I only worked 2 hrs a day cleaning but it helped pay the Grocery's. I got to take them to school and pick them up I got to be there all day with them and I loved it.My kids are now 21,14 and 11 and I am work 9-5:30 and 2 of those days are until 8 I miss them alot .They grow up way to fast,Please Live laugh and Love !

Answer 10

You should try to join a club for stay at home moms. It will help you to see that you aren't alone and you can talk about it with others. I know in our area we have a program called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers).
Try crafts, or backyard fun to get out of the house. Sell stuff on eBay.
I hope this helps!
Good Luck and try to do new things to break the monotony!
And remember that you get a lot more accomplished in one day than most people do.