me and my g/f are concently arguing about the way we raise our son, i say one thing and she says something completely different and the worse part is that he knows we argue about him and he delibertly causes fights between us and then one of us is the bad guy, he doesn't really care which one it is as long as he gets what he wants after cause then the good guy feels guilty and gives in
HELP
2007-01-09 01:06:38 · 19 answers · asked by jane_queen_of_jungle 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
This is a problem for almost every couple out there. The best thing to do is to not let him win by pitting you two against eachother. It is best to leave his presence if you disagree and discuss why you think you are right. Also, pick your battles. I have learned that if it doesnt pose danger to a child sometimes its just best to let them do it. It is worse for the two of you to be upset all the time. Also remember the two of you are the grown ups.... do not let him control your household or make you feel guilt. Good luck!!
2007-01-09 01:15:10 · answer #1 · answered by Kaci H 2 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Parentling is hard enough without adding more chaos in the mix. My advice to you is sit down with her and make a list of rules and guidelines that you both agree on. Compromise is a big thing, but remember it is not a competition, it is for the well being of the child. Remember that consistency is a key to raising children. Make the lines of communication open for discussion, and make sure you hold firm. If a child tries to dileberately cause arguements the child has pinpointed your weakness. Make sure you address this and let your son know it is not appropriate behavior to do that and disipline accordingly. Good Luck
2007-01-09 09:18:13 · answer #2 · answered by dcforensics51 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You and your g/f have to work smarter than you currently are. You both have to sit down after coffee and have 'you' time where you both agree to talk civilly. You can do this once a week or more..depending on time constraints and schedules. Your son is dictating and holding the reins within your situation...you both have got to not allow him to do this.
You both have got to come to a point to try and not argue about him in front of him....such as, if he has done something that has warranted one of you to react...you both have to come to some type of mutual agreement that a temporary solution(grounding until further notice, per se) is going to have to be levied until you both talk the issue over.
If you both are butting heads on a particular issue...you both should try to seek a way to work the issue out. Set ground rules for argument (remember, an argument is not a heated fight--but a way of communicating and trying to persuade). For example, when you have differences, and you must come to an agreement, working out pros and cons with reason is a good way to go...and having both sides present up to 5 or more reasons why your side is the better or more right or more effective. When you come to an impass to where both sides are similarly weighted---try to think of an alternative solution, together. You must both be on the same page with this...and communication is key. You must both agree to be willing to discuss without escalation of voice, sarcastic undertones, or any other offensive behavior or communication. People do become fatigued (such as in the evening after a long day at work)...and it is sometimes better to try to address issues at different times of the day when everyone is more rested and less irritable.
2007-01-09 09:24:10 · answer #3 · answered by What, what, what?? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
STOP get a united front now agree to disagree on some things and stop arguing about it in front of the child if you have to go in a separate room and write on a piece of paper the good and the bad(don't laugh it works) do it the more they see they can tweak the both of you and get you on their side the more they will do it no matter what their age and if want parent punishes and the other doesn't agree the parent who doesn't agree needs to walk away and make sure they stick to the punishment...
2007-01-09 10:26:06 · answer #4 · answered by Catherine A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds corny, but watch a few episodes of Nanny 911. If she touches on one of the issues you two are having with the boy, take her word as a neutral middle ground and do that instead. Even if she doesn't, you're bound to learn a few things that'll help you both in raising him; I will lay bets that SOMETHING useful will come up.
Have a nice, calm, nonconfrontational discussion with your girlfriend, too. Address the issues that keep coming up, both of you give solutions, and decide together WHICH IS BEST FOR YOUR SON, not who's right (might be really good to do this when he's at school/playdate/babysitter whatever so he doesn't hear you).
Most importantly, remember that your child is the most important person in this equation. You two are the adults, and need to provide a safe, loving structure for him. If that means one of you has to eat crow every once in a while and back down, for his good, DO IT. But you need to present a united front. You can't let him play one of you against the other.
Good luck!
And for those of you slamming on this lady because she raises her child with a girlfriend instead of a father, can it. My Dad died when I was six and my mom had to raise me and three other kids without a male role model. Think about all the other single parents out there who try dating to find someone to fill the role that their spouse left and wind up clinging to people who are bad for them and/or their children. How is this better?
A safe and loving home is the most important thing. male and female role models are really good to have, but not crucial for the child to grow up well adjusted. LOVE IS THE KEY. Get over yourselves.
2007-01-09 09:21:44 · answer #5 · answered by Woz 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You need to work out the discipline issies for oyur child in private and present a united front to him. Kids and all people, really are masters at playing people against each other. As hard as it seems, you must not let him see you arguing over those decisions!!
Tell him you will talk it over together and then present him with a final decision.
If both of you approach it and stay logical and calm, thinking of what is best for the child each time, you will probably arrive at decisions fairly quickly.
2007-01-09 09:29:20 · answer #6 · answered by rumbler_12 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What if you two sat down and talked about how to handle him in the future. For example, decide whether you're going to use timeouts or some other punishment, when to use it, etc. Identify the areas where you really disagree and discuss what is best for the child. It may seem silly but you could even write out what you agree upon and use it like a manual.
2007-01-09 09:52:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT fight about HIM IN FRONT of him.
Never fight about big issues in front of him, but do argue about minor stuff, so he doesn't think life is pink.
About the issue, seriously consider the following: read PARENTING books together, surf about parenting and raising children online TOGETHER, and maybe you need to take classes about how to raise a child,,, again TOGETHER. Watch talkshow episodes that talk about raising children matters (but with professionals).
Sit together, put BOLD LINE rules about your son, that you should BOTH stick to ALWAYS (weekdays/weekend bedtime, quantity of candy per day, tv hours, etc) .... and if one of you breaks the rule without consulting the partner... big mistake, know you are the one wrong.
You're giving him strength, clearly, by what you are doing... and this will spoil him and not prepare him for the real-life world ...
2007-01-09 09:15:50 · answer #8 · answered by Serendipity 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to be a team. You and your girlfriend need to sit down and discuss what your parenting philosophies are and come to an agreement. You child has to know that mommy and daddy are on the same team. Arguing in front of him is a no no. Keep your arguments private, especially when they are about him.
Sorry I just assumed you were a guy...ok your child has to know that mommy and mommy are on the same team.
good luck and
Grow up to all the bigots answering your question
2007-01-09 09:22:08 · answer #9 · answered by karina 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
do not argue when your son is there, you should never do it. children pick up on everything that is said. as you have found out.
what kind of things are you arguing about?
as long as your son has good disapline and is not getting away with everything eg having tantrums then im sure everything will be fine, just be consistant in whatever you are both doing.
u really need to discuss what you are disagreeing about involving your son or he will get mixed messages and learn nothing from what is being said or done.
just comprimse and then enjoy being a parent instead of fighting!
2007-01-09 09:15:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋