The biological father choses not to love his son?

Question

Hello,
I had an affair with a married man. I was married too at the time but clearly as an idiot I believed my lover and thought we would end up together. So when we got pregnant, I had the baby. He was fine with that.
My son is now one year old. I also have a daughter from my husband. I was devastated when my lover left me and not strong enough to leave or tell my husband. I ended up in therapy, on medication and I still can not face telling my husband my son is not his. And it just seems better to at least preserve my dayghter and husband than to destroy their lives.
The bio dad - who has two teenage kids decided shortly after the birth of my son that he was leaving me and went back to his family. Overnight. He saw our baby once. It was a secret affair. From being the love of his life I went to nothing.
That I have to cope with. What I can not cope with is that now he is totally refusing to acknowledge we have a baby and although it might not matter for now - one day it might matter to my son. How can a father refuse to love his son? How is that possible? I just don't understand. I know I did something awful. Classic stupid woman. Don't tell me that. Tell me what I should do - should I try to keep in touch with the bio dad or just forget the whole thing. What is the best thing for my child?
This wasn't a one night stand - it went on for more than a year. He says he will never be able to have a relationship with him. It just seems too awful. How can he chose not to love him?

Answer 1

because the dumbass thinks, or knows, he made a mistake and your son is living proof he did. He needs to acknowledge his son, but it will risk your marriage cause your husband will find out. You need to sit your husband down and talk to him and tell him the truth. It's scary, its gonna hurt, but you need to be a woman and live up to your mistakes (not your son, mind you, the AFFAIR, your child is not a mistake). I hope you love your son and don't feel badly inside towards him for all of this. Its not his fault. Love him, no matter what happens. Good luck, dear.

Answer 2

Your husband has no clue to the fact that the child you had is not his?
What?
Have you had a DNA test done?
Stop crying, and take control of yourself. It sounds to me as if the man is not so much choosing not to love his son as much as he is trying to get away from you.
Leave him alone, tell your husband the truth-beings it is so hard to live a lie-and this is the whole root of your therapy problem. The best thing for all the children involved, is that they have happy loving parents who not only teach responsibility, but take responsibility for their own actions.

If your husband really loves you, he will take the time to learn how to trust you again, and your marriage will last. Talk it over with him and see what he thinks about the apparently "dead beat dad". Maybe he would be willing to give all the love and affection a father has for a son to this boy, and treat him as his own. Maybe he already has, and you don't even know it yet.

Answer 3

I feel that you should be honest with your husband. Tell him about the affair and your son not being his. Hopefully you both can work through this. I'm sure he will be devastated but he has a right to know. I would then completely forget about the other guy. I'm assuming your husband is a great guy, he may continue to raise your son as his own. Then when your son is old enough, tell him the situation if you choose. I hope everything works out for you....if your husband forgives you, I hope you can remain faithful.

Answer 4

It sounds as if you are beating yourself up over this. You must accept that no one can be forced to love someone, even if that someone is their child. This man has made his choice and you won't change that. Besides, do you want someone who has to be made to love their child. This guy isn't worth the time.

As for telling your husband, that would be the most honorable thing. But it comes with great risk. I am sure that his first reaction will be hurt and anger but he may be able to accept the past as the past and become the Father your son needs. However, he may decide he cannot do it and you will have to face the future without him too. I would not be able to keep the truth from him, and hope that you will tell him.
Stop berating yourself and asking questions about this "donor" who you say is your son's father. He is not going to change and you will have to move on. Moving on is what is best for you all.
If you find yourself alone take this guy to court for child support. He may not chose to be in his son's life but he has a responsibility to pay support. Do this for your son not for revenge.

Answer 5

Wowzers...been through a bit of junk myself.

Well, you can do nothing about the biological father. He chooses his life. You do have control over yourself. I'm not saying that I am right...but some things are better taken to the grave. I know that relationships should be honest and open and nothing hidden. This is the true, but some relationships will not handle it. You have to decide for yourself whether telling your husband is going to destroy your marriage. It'd be nice to know that he loves the boy just as his own and that your lives will go on like normal, but I'm sure it will bring up huge trust issues for him with you. It's human nature. He may get over them, he may not.

All I can say is that I'll pray for you. It's a hard thing to deal with. All people make mistakes...everybody is worth a second chance...some people just don't see the world through my eyes though.

All things happen for a reason and seem to have a way of working out for the best, whether you like the results or not. My grandma always said that God won't put anything on you that you can't handle.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow, well the best and only advice that I can give to you is Honesty ! You need to fess up to your husband as to what you had done, and that This child may not be his.

As for this man " your lover " he know that you have more to lose than he does and is counting on you NOT saying anything, so he believes that he is in a win/win situation.

Tell your husband, get a DNA test, take other man to court for child support, and he will soon learn that he Can't and will Not run from his responsibilities.

But that will only solve that 1 problem, You cant make him have a relationship with the child, but you need to ask yourself as to is it that you want him to have it with the child or with you !

Answer 7

Honey the world is a cruel place... You cant make him acknowledge or love another person. And yes he can refuse to see or acknowledge him haven't seen my father in 25 years it happens. Right now you have to focus on the important thing you DO love your son that's all he needs, as well as your husband loves him. I would come clean about the affair so you can all go to counseling and heal. You made an error in judgment and made a mistake. You cant torture yourself!

Answer 8

I'd fess up to hubby...that is the only way you are going to get rid of the stress. Go for DNa testing to find out for sure who is the Dad and if the affair is the Dad get court ordered support of have your hubby adopt the child and raise him as his own. Any male can be a sperm donor but it takes a man to be a Daddy which by the sounds of it is what your hubby is being.

Answer 9

You cannot force somebody to LOVE someone. Your best bet, is to tell your husband, about your son. If you truley LOVE your husband, he may forgive you. You need to also try to find out where this mans family lives and check the back grounds of health for your son.

Answer 10

If he has chosen not to have anything to do with the child and your husband thinks he is the father then let it be. You can't force the bio father to do anything. I speak from experience because my grandson is a result of one of these situations. Why these fathers (and sometimes mothers) chose not to be there for their child is beyond my understanding but unfortunately is happens everyday.