Do all mothers bond with their first child?

Question

Hi, i am a 24yo female, have 2 boys, oldest is almost 3, and second kid is one years. When i gave birth naturally to my first child i never cried, i felt utterly empty, this sounds sad i know and i too think this is strange, my husbands mom came to stay for a few months to help me, she done everything,, bathed him, carried him, slept with him, everything, i feel like i never had that "bond" with him and i still DONT, yes i do love him, i feel very over protective but i just dont feel close to him. At first i thought it was nonsense to think such a thing, but then i had my second child and i cried as soon as i gave birth and the bond was there, and i am ever so close to my second child,,,i cant fathom this out at all, i feel very guilty and i try to treat both of them the same, but i know i feel differently towards both of them, i would rather cuddle and play with my second than my first. i know am probably gonna get a lot of criticism for this. really this is bothering me.

thanks so much everyone for your comforting words, i feel like i have committed the worst crime by admitting it to all,,umm thing is, i live in japan with my japanese husband and i have NO support what so ever i dont even have friends and i cant speak the language well either, my husband expects me to study the language and do this and do that as well as play with the kids,,,i think i have depression but i just battle with it everyday, that and prayer i guess, nice to know someone understands tho.

Answer 1

Hi,

I had this same situation with my two kids, and the same way round as you are describing. I always loved my first ( aSon) but didnt feel connected to him. I was told this was all normal and I was also later diagnosed with post-natal depression. I dont know about you but although my Mother-in-law helped out and that was kind of her, sometimes I felt like she almost enjoyed making me feel deliberately inadequate. Whenever I wasnt sure why my baby was crying, she'd come along and hey presto the baby issue was resolved. Then I had my daughter two years later and it was a whole different story. Because Id been through it all before my confidence was so much better and I also didnt suffer with depression this time round so that no doubt made a huge difference. My two are 9 and 11 now and I have a rewarding and fantastic relationship with my first (son)...as I am sure you will too. I can honestly also say that whilst I love my two kids the same as one another, its for different reasons...they both have their own special qualities and I adore them for their own individuality. I think you were so brave to put that question to the forum...and I think that in itself says a lot about how strong you are as a person and a mother. Dont forget all the extra stress you must be under being in a different country with no-one to talk to. Goodluck to you and take care!! xx

Answer 2

i think that many people feel like you do, but just dont want to admit it. The only thing that i can say is try to spend some quality time with him, just you and him. Plan a few hours where you can go out together and do something together. Yes, he is your child, and yes you love him, but you also have to get to know him as a person, not just as a child. Make this a weekly treat for the both of you. It will take time, but the bond will happen. Hope that helps. Good luck!

Answer 3

I've heard alot of women can feel like this, but your child is now 3 and it needs dealt with now really, before he gets any older, because children are very clever and he'll start to pick up on this, and he may feel rejected later on in life. I would suggest you talk to your health visitor for advice and encouragement. Maybe if you can get a babysitter, get someone to watch your second son and spend a few hours on your own with your first, do anything, go swimming, bake a cake with him, go to a play area. I have 2 boys, one is 5 and one is 15 months, when my youngest was born, at first he was quite jealous so i used to leave him with my mam and take my oldest to the pics and mcdonalds, he used to love one to one time with me and it helped our relationship, he was a lot better behaved on his own too!! Good luck with everything, i hope things get better for you x x x x Sorry i just read that you live in japan, it must be really hard for you not being able to talk the language, if you ever want to chat just email me, you can from my main page on this answers website. My husband is french and one day he wants us all to move there, i have the same fears of feeling lonely because i can't speak much french!

Answer 4

You poor thing i think you could be suffering from mild post natal depression. None of this is your fault, after all if you didnt care you wouldnt be worrying about it so much. Make an appointment and talk over your fears with your doctor, it is very common and i think you will discover people will be sympathetic. Many famous women have suffered with this disease and are trying to make it more understood. I think you will be surprised at how many women admit to the same feelings. I work on a Neonatal Unit and we are always looking out for signs and symptoms of mums who dont seem to be bonding (it is very common, i think people expect this instant bond when sometimes it doesnt work like that) luckily for our women early intervention means its put right quickly whereas you have been left to suffer. Get some help and i wish you good luck x

Answer 5

My bond with my children is much stronger than with any of my parents--adopted or biological. That doesn't mean I don't care about my parents. I'm just more bonded to my children. The first time I saw a blood relative was the day I gave birth. That said, of all my parental role models, the person I am most bonded with out of all of my parental figures is my adopted paternal grandmother. (She's no longer living.) She lost her parents when she was young. She had 2 sisters, but neither of them had children. She had one child--my adopted father. He had no biological children. When I was little, I was her family, and she was mine. We never talked about adoption. Although she was 72 when I was born, she raised me while my parents worked. She taught me to cook and sew. She taught me the family genealogy as if it were history class. She told me all the pioneer stories her grandfather told her. (She lived with him after her parents died.) I loved my grandmother absolutely unconditionally, and out of all of my parental figures, she is the one that I would choose over anyone else in the whole world. Ironically, it was this grandmother's people who migrated from Germany in the early 18th century to Pennsylvania then across the midwest lock-stepped with my natural father's mother's family. I have biological ancestors and adopted ancestors buried in the same tiny, forgotten pioneer cemeteries. So I don't know. Maybe our bond did have something to do with nature as well as nurture.

Answer 6

hi. i have two children. Chloe 7. Joshua 6. there is 13 months between my two.
i had post natal depression for nearly 2 years. i resented my son because i felt that he came far too early and i loved my daughter because she was easier. don't feel guilty. these things take time. and eventually i was able to overcome every difficulty i had. it was not easy even now sometimes i prefer one over the other but i love them the same. i just feel closer to my daughter than my son. don't feel bad. this is nothing to be ashamed off. just spend more time with him on his own like i try to do. an good luck . please let me know how you get on. Jo xx

Answer 7

I try to love both of my son equally but I did bond more with my second child. The first child's father is closer with him than the second son. One time my husband out of the clear blue said to me " Eddie(older son) is my son and Richie(younger son) is your son.They are now adult and my older son lives in the same city as his father and my younger son may live quite some distance from me but still he is much closer and we talk on the phone as well as write email every day. Don't misunderstand me I love both of my sons equally really I do.I would be devastated if anything were to happen to either one of them I spent as much time with both boys and I treated them equally even though their father didn't even try to treat the younger son as well as he treated the younger son,. And I do understand how you can feel guilty, you won't receive any criticism from me.

Answer 8

i never bonded with my first child my first words were give him to his dad but in time if you spend more time alone with him reading and colouring you will realise how much of a character he is and both of your bonds will start to grow. there is nothing wrong with you and anyone who would critisize you prob doesnt have any children of there own. all you can do is try and one day you will wander what the problem was. good luck!!!

Answer 9

I'm sure it will correct itself in time, try not to put pressure on yourself. Also you were quite young when you had your first ( I am not criticising, as i had my child at 20) maybe you just weren't ready for the emotions that bombard you when you become a Mother.
Good luck, just go with the flow
x

Answer 10

You don't have anything to worry about! It's very common not to bond with one child. But do try to give them the same amount of attention otherwise they will realise you're treating them different.