My mother-in-law died in November. It was very sad - she'd come over here for a holiday, developed cancer and never went home. She became ill at my sister-in-law's house and was soon too ill to move. My sister-in-law was very good, looked after her, etc etc. This was especially generous as she and my bil have split up. Anyway, in less than a month my mil died in hospital, which is where she actually wanted to be.
We had planned to scatter the ashes together as a family but my sil and bil have decided to - wait for it - divide the ashes in two, giving us one half. Because my sil wants to "get it over and done with before she goes on holiday".
I think this is disrespectful to my mil and so we are having to fly, book into an hotel (when we really are financially tight after the funeral Christmas, other probs) and scatter the ashes in one lot.
What do you think?
2007-01-08 23:22:46 · 18 answers · asked by True Blue Brit 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Claire - don't be stupid. We're making sure they aren't divided.
2007-01-08 23:48:12 · update #1
I'd like to Stringhea but it isn't my decision. They have the Ashes! (Like Australia, ha ha)
I'm just cross that my sil has her way and the two sons have no decision over it. But what can I say? I can't bully my husband over what is good for him, because then I'm doing the same thing as my sil.
2007-01-09 00:05:32 · update #2
Wife&Mom - it wasn't her mother.
2007-01-09 02:16:50 · update #3
Yes I would be offended too, splitting the ashes up is particullaly thoughtless. The problem now is that this will forever cast a shadow on a solem occasion and you cannot help but think of your SiL at the funeral insted of your MiL
2007-01-08 23:29:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, if they have split up then the ashes should go to your bil (her son, right) and not his ex. Next, if she's going on vacation perhaps the scattering could wait until she gets back if she has to participate..... but finally, if you're going to scatter the ashes anyway then they won't all be together when you're done, so what difference would it make if they were done at two different times.
Life is too short to be offended over simple things. You say your ex (?) sil did a really good thing by taking care of her when she was dying - why ruin that and all those good feelings now?
2007-01-09 07:30:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be shocked! My mother passed away last March and there is NO way I would have split up her ashes between Europe, Australia and England where me and my sister and brother live! It would be totally disrespectful to the memory of the person you have just lost. Regardless of the blood ties the sil has by doing her good deed made it clear that she respected and loved this person enough to care for her in life so what is now the difference in death??? And to make the excuse of a holiday as the reason to speed up this process is rediculous and callous.....why not wait until she is back off holiday..what is the rush??? If she is wanting to get it over with then tell her to leave the ashes complete and to give them to you as you will do the right thing by your MIL!!!
2007-01-09 07:30:32 · answer #3 · answered by Confuzzled 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Personally I don't see a problem. The ashes are just the remains of the physical body which has no importance. The soul is what's important and your MIL's soul has gone on to bigger and better things. Things like funerals and memorial services are for the people left behind, not for the person who has passed.
Your SIL was the one who was taking care of your MIL. I know first hand what it's like to take care of someone in their last days. It's physically taxing and emotionally draining. I don't blame your SIL for wanting it to be done and over with and to try to get her life back. I'm sorry for your loss but the best advice I can give you is to just let it go and enjoy your memories of your MIL and try to remember how kind and generous your SIL was during a very difficult time.
2007-01-09 09:58:40 · answer #4 · answered by Coop's Wife 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that the ashes should stay one place, you should let your sil know that you are not able to make that trip, Why not suggest that your sil go on her vacation because it is not a big hurry now, plan on your mil one year anniversary death scatter the ashes then.
2007-01-09 07:51:47 · answer #5 · answered by stringhead3 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my nan passed on 2 years ago,my mum has 1 half of her ashes and my aunt,her sister, has the other half.
It depends on the meaning behind the ash split but i do think your sil is being abit insensitive but go along with this request to show respect to your mil and when its all over tell your sil that you thought her actions were very insensitive.
Dont ruin your mil's final rest by arguing
2007-01-09 07:34:36 · answer #6 · answered by freerange00720002000 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you scatter the ashes as planned abroad and take a video or photos and then go round or ask all the family to get together and have a party to celebrate your mother-in laws life and achievements- her family
2007-01-09 09:05:06 · answer #7 · answered by D D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, yes,it is disrespectful.We exist only because of our parents and their efforts on satisfying on our needs when we were young.On the other hand, I can understand the need for your sister-in-law to go on a holiday.No disrespect meant, but caring for old people,especially ill ones, requires great effort and patience which young people today lack.I did not say that she is right since I always make a point to put my parents above all my priorities.''What was owed in the past must be paid back in full now.''
2007-01-09 07:31:41 · answer #8 · answered by Kenneth S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the only thing disrespectful here is that you divided Mil's ashes in half and now you are going to put them back together?
Don't you think its a little Sil?!
2007-01-09 07:45:07 · answer #9 · answered by Claire 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I think if you need a reason to be upset this is as good a reason as any so have a tantrum over it. On the other hand, all this stuff is for the living and their memories of your mil and it matters not a whit "when the one great scorer is called to write against you name".
2007-01-09 07:30:34 · answer #10 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋