during the engagement are dates with escorts allowed?

Question

I have been married now for 4 months, went thru my husbands
old e mail and came across e mails to a escort, one letter was a booking confirmation for 2 hours, for a total of $400.
He swears up and down, he never kept the date,he states "it's not worth loosing you over" I am just floored that he would do such a thing. we are both in our 40's, he's a widower after being married for 18 yrs,I am in the prosess of trying to find credit card statements, I just feel like our trust has been damaged. I know I can get over this, just looking for some guidance.

Answer 1

No, this sort of thing is not allowed. He should be proving to you that he didn't keep this date. He should be volunteering the credit card statements, althought that won't necessarily prove anything. He could have paid cash. This is a big trust issue, and you need to talk to a counselor, I think. If you were engaged when this took place, it is definitely cheating. And I think you should get some clarification on the statement "it's not worth losing you over" -- What's not worth losing you? And you have to decide what you are willing to forgive?

Answer 2

You didn't say if the emails were before or after your marriage. I'm assuming after.
This is tough. Both on him and you. There are many reasons why people go to escorts while they are married, just as many reasons as people going through their spouces personal email. Both are a betrayal of trust. And both will lead to hurt and "finger pointing" if not communicated together: addressed openly and with understanding.
You both should talk about it but both of you should keep your minds open to the other's position.
For instance: If he is telling the truth, he may be hurt by you going through his things. He's on the defensive now and trying to avoid talking about it to avoid any more anger or hurting your further.
If he is lying, what is the reason why he did that? Is it something he wants to explore and share with you but is scared to ask you? Is it just a passing curiousity? Or a fantasy that he can do with you and is afraid to ask?
This was just an example. But the questions both of you need to concentrate on while communicating about this is:
Is the relationship worth more than the hurt? Is the person you're with worth more than his/her failings? If it's something s/he needs to change, then is there something you can do to help?
And both of you try to talk with "I feel" or "I think". Do not point fingers or bring up old accuasations. In other words, don't put each other on the defensive. Because as soon as that happens, it becomes an arguement and both of you are looking to accuse the other rather than get to the bottom of what happened, why it happened and how to fix it.
I know this is very difficult, there's a lot of emotions running around here. But here's the bright side: it looks like you have some kind of good start on it because he said "it's not worth loosing you over" and you said "I know I can get over this". Both of you build on that.
Good luck.

Answer 3

"Floored" is a good word! Damn, that's just so weird! I would be shocked, too. No, dates with escorts are not "allowed" during the engagement or in any kind of a committed relationship - unless it's been agreed upon in advance by both parties. It is true that this type of thing is a huge blow to your mutual trust.

But I think you have the right attitude; unless he gives you other reasons to doubt his committment - getting over it is worth it. The thing is, none of us is spotless. Urges, desires, curiousities arise whether we're single or married. Some things are worth being overlooked. Everyone has skeletons in the closet that, if they accidentally came to light, would cause much grief to those who love us; I don't know your husband, but it is possible that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing that is not a part of a disturbing pattern, but rather just an unfortunate splurge of curiousity that went a bit over the top. Good luck.

Answer 4

Whatever is "allowed" and "not allowed" depends on the rules of your relationship. It's not cheating if you were both playing by the same rules. Obviously, you weren't.

It seems like you already had some trust issues. Maybe you should see a counselor?

Answer 5

Funeral processions are "allowed" to pass anyplace they desire to pass. many times, police (notified by potential of funeral parlors) block site visitors at significant intersections to make certain the funeral procession isn't disrupted. yet, even on interstate highways the place they could purely have a police automobile in the front and the rear of the procession, vehicles in the funeral procession could desire to have headlights on, and stay jointly in one (some distance best) lane of site visitors. merely food for thought ... if a funeral procession that took a hectic highway in the time of rush hour (and ticked you off so furiously) "could have chosen rather" an option direction, from diverse you indicated ... So ought to you have taken any of those substitute routes.

Answer 6

Forgive and Forget it! Try to put the thought away, it does you or your relationship any good if you have "something on him"! He may be totally honest and you should take it for what it is worth!

Answer 7

You both have serious issues. Obviously you didn't trust him before this incident or you wouldn't be looking through his e-mails. He certainly has no business trusting you.

Answer 8

Please leave the past behind, live in the "NOW". Don't dig into the past or else you will never move on. Start the trust now and love like you never love before. Forgive and forget.

Answer 9

Why were you going through his emails? Did you have a feeling something was wrong? (You may want to elaborate further in the add details section).

.

Answer 10

...wtf r u even doing going through his email... apperently u dont trust him enough and you gotta spy on him how dispicable...