Chore management for kids? In need of Help Plz!?

Question

How do you feel about spreading certain responsibilities between the different aged children in the home?
Like my 6 year old son is mostly responsible for cleaning his room, putting his laundry away, taking his laundry down, setting out napkins and placemats for dinner. He goes about being a good little son and hardly whines or complains...
My 12 year old daughter is a major whiner-She will not clean her room unless you threaten to ground her from the computer or going to her friends. She growls and stomps and is such a quiet little angel to everyone else and flies off the handle in private with us and it's like walking on egg shells! I've tried to motivate her to to be involved but she says 'Not right now' all the time! She acts so put out like a horrible spoiled brat and it's like, do I know this kid? (Ugh) Her chores, picking up table, scoop litter box (sometimes), feed/water the cats, clean room and gather dirty and put her clean laundry away. It's not all that hard of a life!

I forgot to mention my oldest and most of the time respectable child who is my 17 year old daughter. When she was younger she didn't have a lot to do that I didn't already mention. But with this one, she is in school but isn't working. Prefers to hibernate in her room and pretend to be asleep. Her chores: She does her own laundry and leaves it in heap in her room and then she is the main one to scoop the litter box. Sometimes she helps peel potatoes but feels put out. I usually do the pre-dinner dishes and she has to do the after which is not always done that good. She's suppose to clean the main bath, but never does so I end up doing it. The biggest help that she does do is watch her baby sister if I need to go somewhere, but I hate it because she refuses to play with her and will watch TV or read to herself and is sometime's rough or impatient to the baby. It's very sad and I don't know what I did wrong? My husband says it's a phase or their personality but I'm not sure.

Answer 1

She gets clean laundry after all that?

There's some good advice above, and I've noticed time and time again that threats don't work. Or raising your voice. Or talking down to children. Or even reward and punishment. All this has proved to do is cause resentment, frustration, and conflicts. Rewarding children for doing what should be done regardless rapes them of pride and their sense of responsibility. Just as punishing them for not doing what needs to be done typically initiates power struggles.

Now I'm not saying eliminate discipline altogether- quite the opposite in fact. If my son can't find the remote to his TV (or anything else in there) because it's buried in the abyss of 12 megatons of rubble, that's his issue. If my daughter's room reeks of nasty underwear that's been rotting in there for months, I wouldn't know it because it never got to the hamper so I could wash it- but she would notice, and so would her friends. If my son fails to do the dishes, how am I supposed to cook? If they growl and stomp, I get the video camera out and ask politely for them to do it again cause it was too funny for me to miss that moment again. If they failed to pick up poop, I used their allowance to hire someone to pick it up for them. They consistently forgot to feed one of our dogs, so we had to give it to someone who wouldn't.

I believe that it's more important for children to understand natural consequences for their actions- positive and negative- than it is for them to be rewarded and punished for them. I believe that consistently praising them for their effort and hard work shows them they are appreciated. I believe that calmly expressing my disappointment encourages them to try harder. I believe that my children deserve the respect of keeping their space the way they wish, the respect of their opinions, and many other aspects of their little lives. And I also believe that if I didn't honor them with this respect, that I wouldn't get any in return. I'm not the king, jury, and judge- but rather a patriarch, guide, and leader. Children are not slaves or subjects, but rather little versions of us minus the experience. It's up to us to guide them where they need to be via example and encouragement.

Being a parent is not easy- I know. And it's not always this easy. Each time I think I have something figured out, they come up with 6 other challenges to match. But I do wish you the best and do hope this helps. God bless you and yours!

Anthony

Answer 2

You need to make it fun! Every child needs to feel like they are valued in a family. I'm sure you are doing that already but to work around the chore issues you can use that to. Give her praise when she does do something, "Wow, Angela, what would we do without you? The cats wouldn't be around!" or "Great Job, it's so much easier when you just get the job done." "What would we do with out you?" is key. This gives her a sense of responsibility and importance to your family.

Another thing is--don't threat. Set rules in your house and stand by them. She knows what her chores are, right? When she doesn't do them make it known that every time she will get punished? For example; if her chores are not done by dinner (if you have a sit down dinner) then she will not be allowed internet privileges for the rest of the night or the next night unless it's school related.

Another thing to do is to establish a routine. Does your family work like clock work? Are bedtimes, homework times, dinner times, and other times enforced? Of course you wouldn't outline a whole evening but having some routine is a great thing. For example; she gets home from school at 3:30. She has a snack and unwinds until 4:30. Then she does her homework until she's done or 6:00 when you have dinner. Then she can do "whatever" until bed time at 8:30. This way she can learn to manage her time so "whatever" turns into her time instead of worrying around.

Keeping a room clean is not hard. It's just consistency like everything else. Tell her before school it'd be nice to have her bed made and her room cleaned. Do you do the "hard core" cleaning in her room or is that part of her chores? If it is then make a day that she does that. It's all about maintenance. If she cleans for (maybe) 10 minutes every morning then she won't have a load of stuff to do when you finally notice she hasn't been doing it.

Help her organize or rearrange her room. This will give her a sense of accomplishment and she probably will want to keep it looking nice.

These are just a few ideas. I know how frustrating it can be! Just keep it consistent and everything will work out. Best of Luck!

Answer 3

(GASP!) You mean someone didn't tell you? Didn't you know what happens to girls when they reach the age of puberty? Don't fret, no one told me either, so let me enlighten you, girlfriend.

When they reach puberty an alien comes from another planet and takes your sweet, even-tempered daughter away. In your daughter's body they place a look-a-like alien creature that will do all kinds of things to test your sanity. For the next several years you will have to deal with a foreign creature that will push all your buttons and test every limit you have - - - - with bad attitudes, smart mouth, the slamming doors, forgetting chores, along with . . . . fascination with boys, the "all about me" attitude, the "it's not fair" attitude, and the typical "my brother is the favorite child!" accusation.

Welcome to the club. Meanwhile, just choose the battles that are worth fighting carefully. Sometimes there is no winner in the battle. Show her you love her despite her behavior, whether she is dealing with PMS or just a bad day at school. Give her a break now and then, maybe, but for the most part, be consistent with making her do chores. (This was where I failed miserably)

I've survived so far (my daughter is 17) and you will too. They tell me that I'll get my real daughter back from the aliens sometime when she is about 19, and maybe even 18 if I'm lucky. God bless you and hang in there! This is just the beginning of a long roller coaster ride.

Answer 4

I tie my children's chores with their pocket money. If they don't do it, they lose £1 a day. It's can be quiet a drain, but my daughter values having her own money . By the way, I dock £5 if she is rude to me, too.
It works mostly, occasional storms. The hard thing is refusing to get into a strop when she takes the option of not doing the chores because she's willing to take the lack of a couple of day's pocket money.
She sounds very similar in character to my daughter - had to motivate. Praise and love, make sure you hug her every day. I was a bit startled when a Christmas present came in a pretty box and I almost gave it to my younger daughter. I looked up and saw the look in my older daughter's eyes (I thought she was too big) and when I offered it to her, she was so glad. They do need love.

Answer 5

Don't ever back down when your 12 year old acts this way. She's manipulating you to get out of chores and you can't allow that to happen. Give her a 10 minute warning before her chores so she can finish whatever she's doing. Tell her from the beginning what she will be expected to do and what consequences will follow if she decides not to comply with your rules. But even more importantly, follow through if she decides not to comply. Her little foot stomps and tantrums must be ignored because it's just a tactic to make you back down the next time you want to discipline her. Remember that kids crave discipline and it's critical at her age to not slip with this, even though it can get tough. Kids also get away only with what you allow and it's bettter to raise your expectations of them, not lower them in fear that they will act out. Your little one seems to be doing well because you're teaching him at a young age to handle his responsibilites. You sound like a caring mother and you're right it's not hard of a life at all! I wish you the best with your children, sometimes all they need is a little tough love

Answer 6

First of all, you need to tell your kids that they live in a house, not a hotel!

Here's a few things I do:

- if the dirt clothes aren't in the laundry, I don't wash them. If they run out of socks or underwear, it's their fault.

- allowance. My kids get $0.50 per year of age per week (eg my 10 yo gets $5/week), but they have to do all of their chores, no questions asked, in order to get their money.

- positive reinforcement works better than negative! I schedule a family fun day (trip to the movies, aquarium etc) once every two weeks. If their rooms aren't clean/chores aren't done they don't get to come. HOWEVER!! I don't nag them. I tell the once that we're doing such an activity this Saturday, and whoever has a clean room gets to go. I write it in BIG letters on the calendar, and talk it up during the week ("Oh, I can't wait to see the movie") The kids have each missed a day only once. After that, they got the picture.

Or, you could go on strike. Just stop cooking meals for her and doing her laundry etc.

Answer 7

Their rooms are their own personal space so let that be messy if they want them to be (just ask them to keep their doors shut). As for other chores make a chore list and DON'T do their chores for them. That's telling them that it is ok not to do their chores. Trade places with them (this may not work but it just may). You and your husband become the kids and give the kids all the responsibilities. After that they should be thankful that all they have to do are a few chores. Also if you don't want to do that take away their privileges when they don't do a chore, but don't do the chore for them. If you give them an allowance take it away when they don't do a chore or if they don't do a chore right. If the dishes aren't washed properly make them re-do them. (That's what my mama used to do to my sisters when they didn't do them right).

Answer 8

I know one mother who took everything that was out of place in her daughter's room and locked it away. She could get one item back for each day her room was clean.

It depends on the child whether this will work. You'll probably have to do it several times. I'd set a time limit on earning it back before it's donated to someone who needs it more.

Also come up with a positive. Like, you can have a sleepover if your room stays clean for one week.

Answer 9

When my kid doesn't do her chores, she gets assigned more and more and more.. until she gets to work. If she doesn't take care of her stuff she loses it. If she leaves something lay around, I put it in her room. I give her 2 hours warning to clean her room before I go in with a garabe bag... She is a great worker and she doesn't whine.. cause she doesn't want more chores

Her great attitude actaully makes her work less.. and I rarely have to do the above.. I only use those tecniques when she challenges her chores

Answer 10

If my room was dirty, my dad took everything and put it in a trash bag and locked it in the garage.
One day I didn't clean the litter, so he packed up my cat and took her to a friends house and convinced me animal welfare had taken her away. (He brought her back)
My mom had a privileges chart. Things like t.v. and computer time were not daily occurrences, they had to be earned. So we learned not to expect to be able to do what we wanted, when we wanted without checking to see if we had earned it yet. And hell had no fury like my mom if she said be home at 7 and you came strolling in at 7:15.....
Those are good tools, but the real reason we all behaved was because they beat us, so I don't know how well they really work.