Do people understand how hard it is to change?

Question

People tell you to do this or that or to think positive; or think this way. But when you come from a background that has caused your mind to think a certain way; Its tough to change! I suffered abuse until i was old enough to leave home! Most of it was mental. But I can also include all other catagories. As I grew older and was able to defend myself it became more of just mind games. I do try! And sometimes I do very well! Until the moment comes when I feel threatened, or insulted. Then the adrenaline kicks in and I'm ready to put the gloves on! Now that I think about it. I wish I had been raised in a foster home. But I loved my mother so much. I couldn't leave her. Well she passed away 4 years ago. Of a drug overdose. I'm still sad from her passing. Last Christmas I cried because she wasn't here. Every time its her birthday, I wake up out of bed ready to go get her a gift. When I wipe the sleep from my eyes I finally realize she isn't here. My mother couldn't get away from evil men.

Answer 1

Change happens one step at a time. And sometimes you take a step backwards, but the idea is to keep stepping, not matter how difficult or how small those steps need to be.

Answer 2

Yes, dear, lots of people do realize how hard it is to change. This is because of many things. One of those is that we seek familiarity. Even if things are bad, sometimes we fall back into certain patterns because they are familiar.
There is no substitute for a good start in life. I know this. And I know how difficult it is to break out of automatic responses.
First of all, it is natural to love our mothers even if they have not done right by us. And to miss them when they are gone. Your mom had a hard life and made some really bad choices. I feel pain for you and for her. I don't think you can talk yourself out of loving your mom. You can realize she was a human being with flaws like we all have and that perhaps she did the best she was capable of. It's ok, I think, to still love your mom. It is also ok if you are angry at her. She obviously made some mistakes. Those types of relationships are so confusing because they mix the good with the bad in ways that make it nearly impossible to separate the two.
It is hard to change lifelong patterns of thought. But believe it or not, it CAN be done. It just won't happen with the snap of the fingers. It takes soul-searching, introspection and reasoning. You could do this. In fact, it sounds like you have already started.
You can look back at childhood memories from your adult perspective and see them differently than you did when you were experiencing it. Sometimes that helps when you put your adult reasoning to work on those old memories.
Another thing to remember is that you can do nothing about the past. The only things you have any measure of control over are the present and the future.
My suggestions to you would include the following:
1. Find someone you can talk to. Someone good. A professional if need be.
2. Fix up your surroundings. It's fun and it makes an immediate impact. Make your environment the way you want it to be using the colors, textures and patterns that YOU like. Everyone needs a sanctuary to come home to at the end of a hard day. A place that is soothing and comforting, fresh and pleasant to be in.
3. Realize that you are now the boss of you. You decide what you are willing to let into your life, your head, your ears, eyes, mind and heart. Take charge of your environment. Be stern if you have to. Taking care of yourself is serious business. Be good to yourself.
4. Don't try to change everything about your situation at one time. That is a huge task. Take it a thing or two at a time.
5. Ponder the idea that maybe you don't really need to change yourself. Maybe all you really need to work are your responses and reactions. You are obviously strong or you would not have survived all that you have been through.

I hope some of this is helpful to you. You certainly deserve to be happy. Here is my wish for you: that you find a way to make peace with the past and plan a future for yourself that includes serenity, happiness and simple joy. Best wishes to you.

Answer 3

Yes. We are all forced to change one thing or another in our lifetime. Some people change for the worse, some for the better but, not everyone understands how hard it is for another person to change. I understand because I suffered everyday. I cried every day of my child-adolescent years. I almost chuckled when you said "Until the moment comes when I feel threatened, or insulted. Then the adrenaline kicks in and I'm ready to put the gloves on!" I TOTALLY understand!!!!!! It depends on how deep the bondage is seeded inside of you. The deep seeded (from childhood) bondage's are the hardest to break free from. You can't do it on your own. You can't do it in therapy or by any other secular means. This goes deeper then any other human being can go. Grace is the only thing that will really free you from deep seeded bondage. Grace means: divine ability. God gives this to us freely. No matter what you've done, no matter when. 5 min. ago. It's cool. It's a tough concept to grasp if you don't know Jesus. God's unconditional love is far deeper then we can humanly fathom. I tried EVERYTHING else & then gave up & (sadly, as my last resort) I invited Jesus into my heart & I am finally FINNALLY FREE!!! You can try in you own ability all you want but when it's that deep you really do need Gods grace.

Answer 4

YOu are right- it's not linear. We have gains in changing habits and behaviors, then we fall back a little. We get up and keep going, and make gains, then fall back a little. Nothing is linear in life. There will be ups and downs. The main thing is to try and have up times more than down times, then it's a slow gain with small setbacks.

I am very sorry about your mother. It's okay to think about her and write about her and keep those memories. I'm so sorry for your loss. Also the loss of your childhood. If you were mentally abused, that is a loss. You lost something during the abuse. But you are here with us now, and that's the important thing. So keep moving forward. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Yes, i think that some ppl understand how hard it is to change, not only hard, but scary. I think that you have to have been there to really understand. My family are all very successful, addiction, crime free ppl. Except me. I spent two years in jail and many years on drugs. Finally about two years ago I decided I had had enough and wanted to change. My family has supported me and I have done well. I have been clean for 21 months on the methadone program. I have stayed out of jail for 33 months. I have a six almost 7 year old son who I now get to have with me every weekend and I try as hard as I can to remain positive about everything in my life. But this last 2 years has been the hardest, scariest years of my life. There are so many times when I just want to go back to my old life because it seems to me that it would just be easier. But then I think of my son and I don't want to risk losing him. I tell you this story just to explain that yes I think some ppl do know how hard it is to change. But that if someone has not gone through what you have then they probably wouldn't understand your reasoning or why it would be hard for you to change. Like when I am talking to my family on days that are not so good and I say things like I wish I was still living on the streets, or that I wish I were back in jail they don't get it. They don't understand why that seems better to me than where I am in life now. But they were never there so they don't get it. Does that make any sense to you? I don't know if this answer helps you at all. I guess it might have been easier for me to just say yes ppl do realize how hard or scary it is to change; but I felt I should explain why I think some ppl understand and some don't. I feel that for me to have a successful relationship I need to find someone who has been where I have been just so they understand me. After the last few weeks I am not sure of that anymore because of just that, it is hard for ppl to change. I hope I have said something that makes sense.
Take Care
Good Luck
I am really sorry for your mom. I have been with a very evil man, that is what finally made me decide I'd had enough. But still years later I wake up screaming in the middle of the night drenched in sweat having just dreamt of him cutting my face with an x-acto knife. I knew if I stayed with him I would never live long enough to get clean and get my son back. It took me a long time to be strong enough to leave him though, that was something else scary that ppl don't understand. He made me feel as though I could not do it without him. And certainly he made it almost impossible for me to make it without him. He cut me off from everyone and made it so that if I left him I would have nothing, no one, no money and be unable to get drugs which at the time I needed. It is a terrible battle and I am sorry you had to see your mother go through that. Maybe on her birthday you could get her a gift if it will help you grieve. Remember that your mother loved you and that she is in a safe place now, finally away from evil men.

Answer 6

people who have changed do know how hard it is. If it's too hard to do, then the other option is not to change. Choice is yours as to whether it's worth the trouble.

Answer 7

I can help you, please email me