How do i get my old self back after a breakup?

Question

Before I went out with my last boyfriend I was very independent, didnt like spending all my time with the person i was going out with, that sort of thing. We fell in love and things changed for me. when i moved away for college(400 miles away) I became really attached to talking to him on the phone all the time and when i went back for the holidays i spent as much time with him as possible. We broke up because he cheated on me but now i dont know how to get my old self back. I want to be carefree and independent again but i still have the urge to call him...kinda like i need him in my life. i know i dont but i still cant get over that urge. any tips?

Answer 1

god...i know what you mean...i really do as I'm going through a very similar thing. I try to call someone else when I have that urge. A freind, family...anyone...problem is, you hang up with them and then what? i know...hang in there and do your best to set boundaries like you are. try reading a new book, watching movies...anything to keep your mind off of it...that's what i do.

Answer 2

I experienced this myself a couple of years ago; went away for college, spent holidays home etc but then he cheated on me.

It was hard coz he confessed when I went home for vacation, so I found myself suddenly single for summer without any plans or idea what to do. I gave myself 1 week to grieve, and then I decided that the best revenge is for me to move on and have a great life without him. So I enrolled in a gym, hung out alot with my girl friends, made more friends, picked up new skills (learned how to scuba dive), participated in school activities etc. Anything to keep busy.

Although finding a new boyfriend sounds like an easy solution (I got a lot of people telling me to do that but I didn't), it's not fair to either of you, so don't. Just enjoy being single again, like not having to 'report' to anyone, or feasting on eye candy, or whatever it was that you did before you became attached and couldn't do.

Good luck!

Answer 3

awww....that will happen and is totally normal once you've been in love. Just remember, you dont need him. He cheated on you...you dont need someone like that; you need someone better. Dont rush anything and just take your time. Mr. Right will come along sooner or later...as for now, enjoy life, go out & have fun (be careful tho!), meet new people... Its better to know now what type of person he is (a cheater) than you 2 getting married and finding out then. Ya know? Time will make it easier...I know its harder than hell not to call him or at least want to call...(Ive had this happen to me) What I did was do more activities...I took another class in school and did more extracurricular acts. Keep your mind busy. If you feel you "need" someone, call friends and go out. Im sure everything will be ok. Good luck with it all!

Answer 4

Well, if you're in college, you are in a perfect position to meet other people and keep busy, even if all you ever do is study your a** off and get straight A's. And think how good THAT will make you feel.

Just try to keep up with your daily schedule, get together with girlfriends, leave the cell phone at home if you have to, and time will take care of it. Hooking up with other men will help, even if it's casual dating and you're not that interested. It'll get your mind off of the guy, and you might even end up having a really good time. At the very least, it gets you out of the house and away from your cell phone.

Answer 5

Time is the only real answer to rid this sometimes unbearable urge it suks i know been there. Keep urself busy and find what works for you. Friends, outings or being alone reading or writing poetry or ur feelings in a journal. Another guy sometimes helps but dont encourage rebounds but some do it I just dont feel ur w/that person for the right reasons but its ok to date though on ur terms of course...good luck.

pat urself on the back anyway for not taking a loser/cheater back in the end this guy will come back to you w/respect one day for doing this and if not his ego is busted for the fact that u did not go back to him.

you will grow from this and look at men probably in a diff way now but to ur benefit.

Answer 6

Wow. Your situation seems somewhat similar to what I went through. I completely lost who I was for someone else.

I spent a year re-finding all of the things I loved doing before I met my then boyfriend. I did a lot of reading. Spent a lot of time with family and friends. And I really hit doing the things that made me feel happy hard.

I recommend a book called Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem. She's a feminist, but you don't have to agree with her to regain a sense of pride in individuality from reading it. It literally changed my life.

Good luck to you!

Answer 7

We all go through breakups. They can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. Breakups are handled differently by different people. These steps may not be perfect for everyone, but they can help!

Steps
1. Realize what happened and why. You have to make it clear to yourself that this is not all your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship start, and one discordant person is enough to have it break up.
2. Accept your pain. Have your good long cries if you feel like it. It's okay to be hurt and feel alone and feel like you have messed up. But you have to know that you are a good person and this is not all one-sided.
3. Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no IMing, and most importantly, no sex- not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive).
4. Think through everything in your head. Maybe even try to ask yourself what went wrong. But you also have to think of why you two broke up. There had to have been a reason for it all to end, right? If there was a reason but it wasn't a good one, then this person isn't worth your time.
5. Deal with the hate phase. This is where you want to just scream because you are so angry, even furious. The amount of anger you feel all depends on how bad the "split" was. You may even feel like you hate yourself, but get out of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time to be hating and ripping yourself apart for no reason.
6. Talk to your friends. They are always a source of advice and help. If you are close with any family members, they may be a good source of advice/guidance. You want people around you that love you and who will help you see that you should love yourself too and that you don't need this sort of pain.
7. Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring out your thoughts onto paper. Patterns may become clearer and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" what you're supposed to be learning from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
8. Keep fond memories. Sometimes there are things that remind us of another person. Say, you hear a song or see a picture that reminds you of your ex, you probably get all sad and worked up. Well, instead of feeling that way, try to think of how happy that memory used to make you, and leave it at that.
9. Don't overreact. You may be feeling lonely, and want to be with someone, but don't go back to your ex unless you really believe you should be together. Likewise, don't jump into another relationship as a rebound, just to make yourself feel better. It's not fair to the other person, and will eventually lead to another breakup.
10. Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking up that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that there's more to life than being in a relationship. Indulge in those things. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
11. Let go. See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and having hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was very unique and special in a lot of ways, all good things must come to an end. And when they do, that's when you see all the flaws in your relationship and that it's best that you aren't together.

Answer 8

Distraction, distraction, distraction. Try to get involved in things you liked to do before you were with him. Or try some new things. Whether you do them alone or with some friends, it will help keep your mind off of him as well as sort of lay out a new road for time without him.

It's hard at first, especially when there's a good connection, but just look to the future and focus on other things. :)

Answer 9

thats my relationship with my boyfriend right there. we're together now, but we broke up when i moved away to school, like you did. i got my independance back right away. i spent a lot of time crying in my room for the first couple weeks, but after that was out of my system i started working out and focusing on school. going out to the club with the girls will helped too. working out is the best for that though. you get in great shape so when you see him again you can flaunt yourself infront of him. its subtle revenge.

Answer 10

That is difficult and i am sorry you have to go through this. There is nothing you can really do except get out there and start dating again give it time and date around enjoy it and you will get over him it just takes time good luck.