How do you talk to a 4 yr old about death?

Question

My son has made some strange comments lately about death. It started shortly after my husband's grandmother passed away. My husband went to the funeral in another state and was gone for a couple days. He thought that he also went to President Ford's funeral, because "daddy goes to funerals". I did explain to him briefly what death was, and what happened to great grandma. He didn't have any questions at the time. But most recently, he has said things like, "Well, when I'm dead..." or "When I die I won't be here no more..." Breaks a mother's heart! What do I do? Is this just something kids go through?

Answer 1

when my brother died, my daughter was about 3.5 years old. He was one of her favorite people in the whole world! I told her uncle thomas is dead, and that meant he couldn't play with her anymore, he was in heaven and we would get to play with him again someday. She and my neice who is seven months younger both spent the days leading up to the funeral walking around the house telling anyone who would listen "Uncle Thomas is dead!" with a huge grin on their faces. We just smiled and told everyone we thought the girls might be in the early stages of tourette's syndrome lol! At this age they just don't understand it truly. We started monitoring more closely than ever the programs she watched, and stopping her and explaining things everytime we thought she was going off in some morbid direction. For example: I told her that she had to take care of her teeth to make sure that the tooth fairy could re-use them when she wanted to give teeth to the little babies like her sister! The tooth fairy takes everyones teeth to give to the new babies. So of course her first question is " Does that mean she took uncle Thomas's teeth?" What could I say? I just said yes, and left the topic alone until I felt I could deal with it calmly, then talked with her about it a few days later. The big thing is not to freak out, that big of a reaction just makes them realize it gets one and they will come up with tons more. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

I feel your pain! When my oldest son was almost 4 I had to take him to a funeral with me and the processing has been very, very long. He's six now and still brings it up and asks questions. Sometimes he's totally matter-of-fact and sometimes he's really freaked out. I bought a great book called "What is Death" by Etan Boritzer and we've read it at various times. It invites conversation by asking a lot of open-ended questions and gives information about what all different cultures believe about death. You could probably find it online. I think the prevailing wisdom is to answer his questions as truthfully as you think is appropriate for him and within your own personal belief system. And never say being dead is like sleeping. I'm sure I read that somewhere! Good luck!

Answer 3

My son was 2 when we lost our 2 1/2 month old and he was there and seen everything and he didn't understand and we went to the library and got books and explained as much to him as we thought he would understand. I don't think they really will understand until they are much older but it helps to answer their questions.
We are now expecting our 3rd child and my son(3 1/2) has had many questions like will this baby go to live with Jesus are will we get to keep him. Just go with the flow and if he ask a question or makes a remark then answer it truthfully and put it into a preschoolers terms.

Answer 4

I'm a book hound, so I obviously thought about books about death. The link below, which I assume will parse, is a link to a search on Amazon.com of books on death for 4 to 8 year olds. Another book that isn't my favorite is Robert Munsch's book _Love You Forever_, because it shows the life cycle -- the little boy goes from playing in the toilet on the cover, to an adult man taking care of his aging mother in the end.

Sorry you have to deal with this, but it's part of life. If you have any spiritual beliefs about death, this can be comforting to both of you.

Answer 5

A very sensitive issue, wife and I have grandchildren, mostly ages 3 to 14. They loved wifes grandmother, deeply, the 5 and 6 yr old know now that death , you will see them no more, it bothered them deeply for quite a while. We told them of their dog,uncle, friend, that they won't be able to see them, but those that have passed, will be with their dog, uncle etc of which they and we one day will all be together, Its hard to explain on here but hoping this gives some enlightenment to you Good luck

Answer 6

a lot of kids go through this when they confronted with death in some form they can do this with fear of some with just general talk my daughter was more afraid because she did not want to go with god like great grandma did because she said she would miss her family we did not present it to her in a scary way but for her she realized going to god ment not seeing your family anymore so it worried her but because he has been told what death is but still has not processed the true meaning which can take a few more years and it was not told to him in a way he feels negative about it he talks about it in a more casual way know its because he is just trying to process it and what it means and like all things it will pass and may come up again in a few years when he sees or hears something else!

Answer 7

you have a extremely clever 4 365 days previous. I recommend explaining that he, nor his mothers and dads, siblings etc., could be dieing for an fairly long long term. we attempt and not say the words "all of us would desire to die at sometime" considering would disillusioned him extra. communicate approximately all the individuals he knows that are alive, that he sees many times (babysitters etc), and that they at the instant are not likely to die, ever. We bypass away the entire fact for while his strategies is a little extra mature, approximately 8 yrs previous.

Answer 8

It depends on your beliefs. We tell our kids that people and animals go to heaven. To them it is not so scary that way. My daughter has spoken about her own death and I am with you....breaks my heart to hear her say that. I think just keep it simple right now. Let them know why you are sad or why people get sad when someone dies so they feel okay expressing their feelings.

Answer 9

When he says "When I die I won't be here no more" agree with him, because it's the truth. You can also say "but that's not going to be for a very long time" and drop it.