If you found out your boyfriend or husband had a problem, like depression, alcohol or drugs what would you do?

Question

Would you divorce/spilt up, with them or try to help them?

Answer 1

I would be more inclined to be helpful over depression - but I have been burned to many times to mess around with drunks or druggies.

Peace!

Answer 2

Definitely let him know that his problems are affecting you and/or your children (often addicts don't realize they're hurting their family) and that he needs to decide if he's ready to fix it. If so, he'll need all the support from you that he can get.

Such problems are not grounds for automatic divorce with no further question, especially an illness such as depression, which comes about of its own accord and is not actively "sought out" like drugs. Do consider what role you or the family might be playing in the depression/alcohol/drugs. What makes him so unhappy? Is it really his life, or is he really just in too deep?

If the guy's a boyfriend, drug addiction would be an automatic dump. Social drinking is, I think, for the most part all right; regularly drinking 'til sick is not. Depression would probably not cause me to dump a boyfriend immediately unless it was violent or constantly bothering or upsetting me and he refused to get help.

But, whether he's a boyfriend or husband, keep in mind that you can't change him with the snap of a finger. Women seek out men with problems in hopes of helping them or seeing them through a recovery or changing them for the better, but life doesn't work that way. Neither a spouse nor love interest can ever singlehandedly change his or her lover.

Answer 3

"Found out," meaning you were dating them and you discovered this about them? Or "found out," meaning that a depressive episode came on during a marriage, or he sank into alcoholism or drugs while you were married?

This happened to me. I spent time with a guy, got to know him, realized he was a chronic pot smoker. That was a problem. It made me uncomfortable, although I couldn't quite put my finger on why, because I had an attitude that pot was "different" from other drugs. Turns out it's not. It's still just a way for an unhappy person to leave reality and forget about their shitty life. (I'm talking chronic use here, not a few hits every once in a while.)

You have to confront the person about it, let them know it won't be tolerated. Give them time to clean up their act. Help them clean up their act by being supportive. If they can't do it, and this is a dealbreaker for you, then BAIL! Seriously. People get stuck for years - years - in shitty codependent relationships with drug and alcohol abusers, and it's no fun. You can waste years of your life this way.

Depression is another story. There are medications that can help depression, but the person has to take them and get appropriate therapy if their doctor thinks it's required. Different kettle of fish, but still can be a problem.

Answer 4

This is a difficult question....

Boyfriend
drugs/alcohol... help as much as possible put in a rehab when he gets released if he hasnt changed break up
Depression...Go to Dr. get him on meds and talk to him about his feeings.

Husband
drugs alcohol... Help help help do as much as possible to help and then live a life of dispair if he is not helped.
Depression...get him on meds and talk to him about how he feels maybe a psych if needed.


I feel the vows of marriage aren't to be broken. There are no vows for a boyfriend. I would help more for my husband just suddlenly became and addict, alcoholic or became depressed. I wouldn't marry somebody who was these things.

Answer 5

Addiction is deadly for a reason....you're not dealing with the person..you're dealing with the drug of choice. If the addict hasn't hit their rock bottom then there is nothing a spouse or g/f can do but choose from 2 options. Leave or stay and expect a hell of a lot of misery until the addict decides to go clean. If this is happening to you I urge you to check out www.alanon.com or www.naranon.org (alcoholics anonymous, and narcotics anonymous for families or loved ones of recovering or using addicts) to see what you're up against. In all honesty I wouldn't put up with it for a moment and leave until they made the step of detox....even then the struggle is a battle. Much luck and be sure to check out the links.....the more information you have will better arm yourself in how to deal with whichever way you choose to go.

Answer 6

Well I eventually clued in that my wife had a problem with alcohol.
Almost 2 years ago I put it to her this way. "Either we go & get help together, or you are on your own.
She went for the help, & we are still together, & she's doing great. There's no other way. You can't get help for an addict unless the person really wants help. Period.
I would guess the same thing could be applied to a person suffering with depression.

Answer 7

Take depression out of it because that's a different sort of problem

If my husband had a drug or alcohol problem and went for treatment and stopped feeding the addiction we could make the marriage work.

If he didn't seek help....I would leave.

Answer 8

surely I would offer love, support and a committment to aid their recovery. I would immediately begin attending alanon imediately. If the are not willing to get help, after say 90 days max I would file for divorce if no committment has been made to stop. Statistically it is virtually hopeless at this point.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Answer 9

I would try to help them but he has to be willing to help himself as well because you can give them the tools to work with but if they do not use them, what is the use in helping. People have to help themselves at the same time as receiving help. They need to seek treatment and be strong about it and mean it. If he fails to do so then there is really nothing I can do for them but keep them in my prayers and in the long run we will most likely split up if he refuse to get help.

Answer 10

I would help anyone get help with these type problems. Get them into rehab or some place to help them get control over their addictions. If it was my husband or bf/gf , friend or stranger, always try to help. Be supportive at all times. Love goes along ways with people in rehab, they need to know someone really cares about them.

Answer 11

My husband has some addictions issues that he is currently battling with. He wants to be free of it, and I do not regret staying by his side one bit.
If everyones flaws were deal breakers- no one would stay married. Where the heck is commitment in this country? I see violence issues being in tolerable, but folks come on where were you when you said your vows? What happened to your word?