Help How can I control my children?

Question

My son Jack (10) and my daughter Daisy (7) have become very rude argumentative out of control they say they hate me, they both have been perfect children until this holiday and things have taken a turn for the worst, I am divorced and they live 200 miles away and I see them 6-7 times a year in their Holiday's I have tried and tried to diserpline them with no success please help. Steve.

Answer 1

Their mum may be overcompensating for the divorce by letting them get away with all sorts,as a result of this, when you do discipline them they will automatically feel that you are against them and at their age, they don't really hate you, they just don't know how to react to discipline.
I'm sure in the long run they'll come round but I sympathise with your situation and hope it all comes right in the end for you.
Good luck and best wishes
Denise
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Answer 2

Well Steve, your children are 10 and 7 they are old enough to know that having divorced parents isn't fun and can be quite stressful at times. If you have recently got divorced then it will be quite hard on them because they grew up with both of their parents for most of their childhood. This big change could alter their behaviour towards their parents and to the people around them.

Now if you have been divorced for a while now then they probably got tired of travelling to your house and back to their home, and it probably just hit them that having their parents split up isn't all that fun.

OR....since now that you are divorced they think they have more power than when you were still married and because they can't get their way they say they hate you etc. If they throw little fits or start crying because they don't get every little thing they want then just ignore it. It maybe hard but it will make them think twice.

Answer 3

Sorry, but you can't! Sounds like you must be encountering a lot of negative propoganda from the Ex. You could try talking with your children re your feelings when they say the things they say and ask what has happened recently. Maybe ask the Ex if something has happened recently to make them unhappy.

They could be at the age that being with their friends now out-weigh their need for their Dad. Holidays are always more fun with their friends at home. Try cutting back a bit and it might be more special.

You're between a rock and a hard place because if you drop back too much, later they'll say you didn't take a role in their lives!
Good luck!

Answer 4

Why do you see them only 6 - 7 times a year? You can't do this discipline thing long distance. They are both feeling the emotional difficulty of seeing you so rarely.

Have you tried discussing this with your ex-wife? If you have access, there must be some sort of communication albeit limited. If you are getting the arguments and the rudeness hers must be tenfold even more. She will be the one seeing them cry themselves to sleep, explain why they can't see you more often, swallow to accusations of being the one keeping them from you, etc. I know because I was that child.

You can only be patient and observe the silence and/or try to get to the bottom of it in the calmest was possible.

I feel your pain, but objectively can't feel sorry for you. They are growing up and trying to deal with a split household as best they can. You and your wife just need to try and work together.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Children dealing with a divorce act out in many ways. Yours seem to have decided that you are no longer the disiplinarian and father figure they once knew. They are seeking your attention by acting out in very unkind ways.
I know when they say "I hate you" it must hurt your feelings. But you must remain the adult parent and set the rules that are necessary in your household. Giving in to them and alowing them to be rude will not help them in the long run.
Perhaps talking to your ex and asking her advice (since she is with the children most of the year) may help.
Can I ask why you only see your children 6-7 times a year.? Also, why are you living 200 miles away from them.
My ex did the same thing. I think my children felt abandoned by their father. I did try to explain why he moved away but (truthfully), I wasn't able to come up with a good reason. I do the best I can to raise our girls but I must admit it is difficult.
I would suggest that you maintain the connection to your children by phone calls, letters, etc when you are unable to physically visit them. Time will pass by very quickly and if you do not do everything you can to be a parent to them, I'm afraid they will not be a part of your life in the future.

Answer 6

Imagine if you knew someone you hated and they tried to discipline you. Think it would go over very good? Your children are saying "I hate You", for a reason. They feel hurt about something. You may or may not have done something to cause them pain, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that they think you have done something. The relationship is damaged and it needs to be repaired before they will accept discipline from you. Talk to them and find out whats going on in their hearts. When they tell you, (if they tell you), dont deny it or say" I didnt do that". To them the hurt is real. You have to win their hearts back. Hear what they are saying and be very apologetic. Let them know that you care about them. They are abviously not feeling that right now. Get on their side. Dont send them the message that you need to "fix" them. Send them the message that says, "honey, mommy is sorry for what she has done. Please forgive me and let me know when I do something that makes you feel bad." Right now , re-establishing the relationship is more important than discipline. Get some counseling, or a good book or tapes on how to connect with your kids and learn to see life from their point of view, then you can understand them better. Most parents want to make adults out of their children too soon. Im not saying that there doesnt need do be disciplined, but they wont recieve it from someone they think they "hate", or dont trust. Find out what they are hurt about. Hope this helps. :)

Answer 7

hang in there... as a parent you've got to love you kids unconditionally, no matter how much they say they hate you. A 10 & 7 year old really don't have a grip on emotion. They are probably most interested in their friends at this stage in their lives, and coming to see you 200 miles away may make them anxious. It wont last forever - don't give up on them, and don't get disheartened.

Answer 8

I take it that they live with their mother most of the time? If this is the case and you only see them about 6 times a year, then it is obviously due to the way their mother is bringing them up that they have turned out this way.
You would need to discuss this with her and ask her why ahe thinks they are behaving like this and work out a way to control them that both of you agree to.
Meanwhile, make it clear to your children that when they are with you then they will live by your rules.

Answer 9

When you discipline children you have to stick with it so they know you're not kidding around.

You set the guidelines and the rules for your house....you're the adult.

The next time they come for a visit you should tell them that things are changing....there will now be a bedtime, mealtimes, no rudeness, etc.

You can't control their feelings but you can control how they display those feelings.

Answer 10

Well if you only see them 6-7 times a year they probably dont like it that a stranger is trying to disipline them. Leave it up to their guardians/step parents or something. You have no business into disciplining them if you only see them 6-7 times a year. They are probably mad at you because you never hardly get to see them and they probably see you as a stranger. I'm sorry but I dont think I would like it if some person came to my house a few times every year and decided to take control over me and discipline me. It's like a relative trying to punish you. If you can think of it that way. They probably dont see you as "Mommy/Daddy" any more. Sorry but you cant try to take control over your children when you only see them a couple of times a year, it just wont work. Good luck.