I will not change my mind?

Question

I will not allow my daughter to go to a movie unless I want who are going? Which movie she is going. I called and left a few messages from the other parents but so far none of them returning my calls.

She was on punishment for 2 weeks during the Christmas vacation. She did not get to attend family gather for the holidays. Can't watch TV, uses the phone, uses the computer and did not get to see her cousins during that time.

I offer to give a ride to the movie and pick her and her friends up but she wants to take the train. All her friends and her wants to take the MBTA to the movie threather.

She knows that I'm not playing with her. My husband and I are on the same page. He has no tolerate for her behaviors. If I did not work for a child protective agency. I think that she would gotten beat up however, I walked away until I calm down and talked to her.

As a SW, it is very easy to deal with other kids but with your own kid it is a different story. Thanks for all the tips

Answer 1

a SW who uses punishment.
interesting.
I am surprised you are not 'disciplining' your child. to Disciple is to teach. To punish is to control.
Shouldn't our goal be to teach our children to be their own person and make good choices for themselves even when no one is there to see/guide them?

Are you asking a question, or venting.
Do you want to be told you are going too far???

Answer 2

Learn to lay off a little. Wanting to know where, when and why is very reasonable. Punishing her by not letting her see the family? That is way too much. You sound like you are one step from locking her in a cage. Because she was arguing about going to a movie you were thinking about beating her? Ever consider family counseling? Not a bad idea....

Answer 3

well u have left out most of the important information here, age and what she did to be locked away for 2 weeks OVER CHRISTMAS!!!!!! How can you keep your child from attending the family gathering. Christmas is about love and it seems to me your relationship with your child is one of complete dominance on your behalf.

From what I remember of myself and my friends as a child, those of us who had strict parents were the ones who generally did the most dangerous things.

I think you are risking either instilling a hatred for you in your child (which will make her rebelious behaviour that much worse later on).

Also at some stage we have to accept that our children are growing up. How old is your child? If she wants to catch the train maybe you should let her.

I am afraid for you that you are damaging your relationship. A relationship with your child is as much give and take as any other relationship, if you instill in her that this is how people act then she is not going to cope real well with others.

Stop focusing on punishment you cruel person, especially at christmas.

Answer 4

I think that wanting to know where your child is and know who they're with is a very smart idea. Being active in your child's life is important. But if you control her too much she's going to do what she wants to do. There can always be restriction but when you over shadow your child they are going to rebel. Talk to her be her friend and her mother. Mother first of course but the more you talk to her as a person the more she'll open up to you and listen. Let her be her own person be in a safe area that you approve. Just try to remember what it was like to be her age. Easier said then done I know but try. Good Luck!

Answer 5

what exactly is your question? How old is your child? When it comes down to it you are the parent. Do what is right, this does not include beating up your child though

Answer 6

I'm a SW too, and although I don't have my own kids yet, I've had the joy of dealing with multiple teenagers who were "mine" in a sense.

It is totally different when it's your own kid. If it's a client you can remember that the acting out has nothing to do with you. It's personal when it's your own treating you like crud.

Okay, you're right in that 13 is a bit young to go gallavanting around a metropolitan area with her friends with no clue as to where she is. You have every right to expect her to be accountable as to her whereabouts. What I'm not getting from this or the other questions is how her behavior escalated to this point. I'm sure she didn't suddenly wake up one day totally changed, right? It might be hard for a SW to bring her kid to another professional. But it sounds like it might be a good thing to do for a while. An adult outside the family she can talk to might help a lot. And since you're in the field you know who is good so you don't have to worry about the adult being a bad influence.

When I was working with teens who were just not doing what they needed to do I noticed that if you take away everything and don't show the light at the end of the tunnel they will just give up on doing better. If they have nothing left to lose why bother, right? Then you're jumping up and down going crazy and she's just sitting there playing the "I don't care" game. It sounds like right now she has absolutely nothing left to lose. Since you gave out the punishment it's up to you to show her the way back out. I'm assuming that she's not just getting all the privileges back right away after the two weeks are up? I'm going to describe the way out and the behavioral plan that worked really well with "my" teens.

If she's still going to be without certain privileges pick one that she can work toward getting back. Tell her exactly how she can earn it back. Spell out how she needs to behave. Also add a consequence related to the bad behavior that got her in trouble in the first place. Maybe a one-page paper about what she did. Maybe writing an apology. Or doing some chores. Try to keep it specific to the behavior, not random things like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. You could even do something like tell her she has to go grocery shopping with you or something. It gets her out of the house and spending time with you.

The thing to remember with this method is that the stuff she's doing to earn the privilege back is not punishment. It's simple cause and effect with some learning thrown in. So keep your attitude neutral. Don't treat her like a convicted felon even if you're still really pissed at her.

If she slips up a little after earning a privilege back give her a warning that if she continues the behavior the privilege will be lost again. Not "taken away." Taken away implies that you control her behavior. But you don't. She controls her own behavior. Spell out her two choices and just leave it at that. Don't engage in an argument with her even if she tries to start one. Tell her you'll give her some time to think about it and go do whatever it was you were doing. Have her come to you when she's decided.

So yeah that method seemed to work really well. Obviously it's pretty darn labor intensive. It also requires a lot of consistency but you definitely have that down pat. I just feel that if you start the process of reframing the situation and showing her a way out of her current solitary confinement things will start to get better.

Now, to kind of "start over" with her I would suggest sitting her down at a time where both of you are calm and talking to her about how you love her dearly. Point out some good stuff! Then talk about how you're really worried about the path she's taking right now. Just point out actions. (Don't label the actions as dumb or silly or anything like that. She'll jump on that as a chance to argue.) Talk about what you're worried will happen to her if she continues to do this. Talk about how since taking everything away didn't work the two of you are going to try something new. Explain the new system with very clear consequences for each behavior. Explain how she can get the privilege back after losing it. Be open to some suggestions so that she feels a part of the process. You might even want to write it out and have both of you sign it. Then see how it goes.

I know I used a lot of "do's" and "don'ts" I hope you realize I was just using them to describe what I used to do. Of course it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to try it. And of course this post is long because it's not like we were sitting down and chatting! :) I just hope that something that I said will help you to take a step back, take a deep breath, and get back the ability to deal with the situation without taking it personally. Because obviously you're doing something right. She's just hit a bit of a hiccup.

Good luck hon!

Answer 7

taking a child away from family isn't punishment- its psychological abuse. My psyc instructor gave a lecture on the harm things like that can do to a kid.

I think you should be ashamed of your self. I pity your daughter

Answer 8

I think you were a little too severe to have her missed the family time.

Answer 9

Keeping her from family?? Thats a little harsh in my opinion. Its also hard to tell exactly what your question is.