how to deal with my mother?

Question

My mother was mentally/emotionally abusive to me as a child. Now she conventally does not remember many of the incidents or remembers them differently. I guess a part of me wants to hear her admit that what she did was wrong. Having her deny what happened is more than hurtful ( I do not know how to discribe the feeling). I have been sufffering from depression and anxiety for years and think that it is related to part of my childhood. I am now a mother myself and fear I may inadvertantly continue the cycle with my own children. Is there anyway to get her to fess up to her own wrong doings? I just really think it will help with my own recovery.

Answer 1

I know EXACTLY how you feel. You

My mom was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to me. To this day, she won't admit she even did anything wrong. Every time I try to bring it up, she acts indifferent. Her denial is what angers me the most. She acts as if nothing happened. She acts ad if I'm the abusive one.

If she hasn't fessed up now, she probably won't. My mother has abused others in addition to myself. At this point, it would take an act of God for her to confess to her wrongdoings.

I'm now 23 years old...and my mother (and yours) are examples of what happens when parenting skills fail.

Answer 2

I know where you are at and where you have been, in my case it was my father he has since passed away. You mum may have done the best she could based on what her life was like growing up, people repeat the behaviours of what is known. I tried to talk to my mother about what happended growing up but she didnt see it the way I did it took a lot of research before I became comfortable with the idea that it was because we were viewing the situation from different perspectives. By this I mean if 5 people saw the same car accident they would report it to the police in 5 different ways because they would all have viewed it from their perspective, one might have had someone killed by a speeding driver they would emphasise the speed at with the accident occured another might see it as an accident and look for reasons like sun glare all would be right but thats because they all have different perspectives. For my mother her first husband, not my father, beat on her for over 10 years my father never hit her, he worked regular jobs and provided shelter and food, for her he was a god send for me he physically, emotionally and verbally abused me the best I can get it yes he was a hard man but he meant well, we dont know what they went through during the war....for me its simplified to it happened now I deal with the fall out, I am medicated and see a counsellor I am not that little kid any more and I did NOT repeat the cycle with my kids. You do not have to be your mother, make sure if you do something and we all retreat to what we know/experienced growing up when under pressure that you make a conscious effort to rectify what you did for eg yelled unnecessarily. It takes time to learn new behaviours and you need to be kind to yourself while you are, list what you didnt like as a child and make sure you dont repeat those behaviours, it can be done I did it and the proof came when we were watching a TV probram based on the book Sun in the Stubble when my youngest said no one could be that mean and I simply said yes they can knowing that my dad had been much worse. You cant change the past, learn from it and make sure it doesnt repeat itself. Good luck, move forward and put your child/children and yourself first.

Answer 3

Sigh. This is so typical. I understand that you want to progress in your own recovery and you feel you need to hear your mother admit her wrongdoing. The b*tch about recovery is, you have to accept that you cannot change other people. You need to find a different way to resolve your feelings about what your mom did to you. YOU are in charge of your life now, but your statement here gives a lot of your power to heal over to your mother. Do you want to allow her to continue to control parts of your life?

You can continue with your own recovery without any involvement from her, because your recovery is about YOU. Let go of the past and create the future you want for yourself and your children.

Answer 4

wow is your mom katie wont mention last name.that is so my mom.when i was a teenager i was so pissed.my grandma told her my aunts told her,but according to her they were lying.i did
get to a point where i just dont care anymore.take care of you to
be the best for your kids.and the fact that you are aware should
keep you on your toes not to do what your mom did.also i dont
know if your mom did no wrong mine didnt in her eyes.but admitting that your wrong if you do go over the top goes a long way.it does with mine.as far as getting her to fess up i wouldnt
hold your breath.sucks but true.

Answer 5

I am in the same boat as you. When my mother was dying of cancer, I thought she'd apologize on her death bed. But she didn't. You may never get her to fess up. You just have to live your life. As long as you are aware, I don't think you'll affect your kids the same way. Do you see a therapist? You should.