How do I get my 4 year old son to stop pushing his 1 year old brother around? and share?

Question

My youngest son is only 16 months old, he's a happy little baby.. my oldest son is 4, he's happy too, but hes so mean sometimes. After Christmas they got soooo many new toys, and whenever my youngest son plays with one of my older son's toys my older son gets so angry, he pushes his little brother down, and or squeezes, slaps, or screams at my younger son. My younger son got a lot of new toys for Christmas and now the older one wants to share, but his idea of sharing is taking his younger brothers toys and "borrowing" them.. and then when he wants to play with his own toy my oldest will freak out. I try explaining that all that time.. that "its HIS toy ! leave him alone, don't hurt, have a time out.. " but nothing seems to be working. he still gets violent with his younger brother. I just wish he could share. Any ideas? is it normal for my older son to be so mean to his younger brother? I should add that we don't believe in hitting/spanking.

Thank you April, but why wouldnt it be hypocritical of me to hit my son, and then say "DONT HIT" ?

Answer 1

A lot of parents expect their child to share but do you? It’s hard to share! Would you loan your neighbor your new dress or car? What if you were forced? How would you feel? It's essentially the same thing for children when it comes to their prized possessions. They don't want to share them either! If you force your child to share, it will only cause anger and resentment. Sharing is something that should come from the heart. I teach preschool and in my classroom this is what works. A child can use something for as long as they want. When they put it away another child can use it. The children understand the ways of our classroom and accept this. When he takes something from his brother, don’t take it away. If you take the toy away he will not learn to problem solve and will continue taking toys away from his brother. You can talk to your child in ways so that he can see his brother’s point of view. "It looks like Mike really likes your toy. I bet he would like to play with it too. Maybe when you're finished he can play with it." These words may help him to empathize with his brother and he may choose to share. Have your son pick out some things that he is willing to share with his brother and put away the things he does not want to share. Remember not to force it. Let it come from the heart.

Yes! It is very common for children to be jealous and mean to their sibling. He was the center of your world for a long time and now he has to share you. He is trying to feel powerful. Make sure you take time everyday to show you're love. When his brother is sleeping, read him a story, do an art project and things that show he is the "big boy" (he can help make dinner, help with his brother...getting a diaper, let him pick out his brother’s outfit...)

When he hurts his brother, rush to his brother and empathize. Say "Ouch! That must have hurt! You must be so upset! Let's get some ice too put on your sore." Shut out his brother. He will not like the feeling of being ignored. Try and have the younger child tell him "No! I don't like that." (in a 1 year old version). It is a very powerful message coming from another child.

I would also be overly dramatic when he gets near his little brother. Rush to the child and pick him up. Say "I'm worried you might hurt him. I need to keep him away from you until you're ready to be gentle."

Good for you for not spanking! I am amazed by how many here suggest spanking for any misbehaviors! Using natural and logical consequence always works best when disciplining. You can, when he hurts his brother, take him to an area away from his brother and say "When you are ready to be gentle then you can come back with us." Do not set a time limit (you controlling him). Let him make the choice and return when he is ready to control himself.

Empathize with him when he is calm after a hurting incident. “You must have been really (angry, upset, hurt, frustrated) when you hurt your brother. What can you do next time instead?” He will soon learn to better express himself.

Help him to gain confidence and a sense of power by saying things like "You did that by yourself.” “You stacked every block!” “You can run super fast!” “Look how high you can climb!” You used so many colors on your picture!" Let him know that you notice him. This is a great way to show attention and love.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 2

Well you could maybe sometimes say to him "Who's a bigger boy," he will definitely say " I am," so you say back "does a bigger boy want some candy that is up stairs?" Or if you live in an apartment say "does a bigger boy want some candy on the way nd of the room?" Keep him busy and do something with your younger son to keep him busy but don't give the boy too much candy, and a lot of kids like special kinds of candy put some of those in but at the bottom so he has to dig to the bottom to find it, and then do something with your younger son and do something really babyish and then if your older wants to do it too you say "Huuuu, I thought that you were a bigger boy then your brother, and I did this (say what you're doing with him) when I was a little girl just about (say the youngest boy's name) age." That might work, it works when I baby sit kids like that and of that kind of behavior. I hope I've been helpful. Bye!

Answer 3

Every child at some point and at young ages do the same thing. They are very protective of their toys. Try taking away that toy that they fight over or will not share with. Try to explain that when he is finished his turn playing with the toy he will give it back to him, so he can have a turn. It may take a little while for them to understand that If you don't share or fight over a toy it will get taken away until you agree to share. i hope that this helps a little.

Answer 4

the answer to this is to figure out some little reward system. But reming your 4-yr.-old son that he has to earn the reward, and cannot steal it, beg, or complain. Also, it is totally normal for something like this to happen, the older boy is jealous of the younger, and probabaly feels like the younger is getting to much attention, this is the only thing i would recomend, and probably the better way for your son to learn

Answer 5

I have eight sisters and I know what you mean, we were always yelling at each other. It's jealousy, just make sure you spend a lot of time with both of them. You're oldest son needs a spanking, if you don't believe in hitting your children, START BELIEVEING IN IT! That time out stuff doesn't work, until you actually show him that there are consequences, then he won't touch his brother. Don't hit him enough so that it hurts him physically, but hit him hard enough to where he understands that you're doing it because of what he did. He'll be upset, but he'll get over it. If you don't handle it now, then he'll be 30 years old fist fighting co-workers who get promoted first.Just make sure you're doing everything right, like not paying more attention to the baby than to your son. Try to involve him more in the activities you do with the baby.Good luck babe.

Answer 6

my 3 year old did the same thing to his brother so i just started doing what ever he did to his brother back to him. If he took a toy I took it from him and played with it. You know give him a taste of his own medicine and it worked out great. I sould add i dont belive in hitting/spanking either

Answer 7

I don't have much help to offer, I'm sorry, but my older sister has a child [4 years old] and has found that the show "Super Nanny" on ABC offers some wonderful tips.

That's all the advice I can really give- good luck!

Answer 8

ahhh this reminds me of my younger days, but seriously i still hate my younger bro ******* goes to jail 3 times and loses the family car to insurance company, steals 12,000 bux from the fam but ooh no its ok we'll welcome you bak with open arms, F&*%K that crap.

Seriously just keep talking is all i remember my mother doing, either that or getting my *** kicked by my dad and that meant getting both of our toys broken.

Answer 9

He is four, his younger brother isn't quite two...they don't understand "share" at this stage...They don't understand that until between first grade and when they are 40.

Answer 10

bribe him, but in a secretive way. take him aside and whisper that you'll give him a little treat if he doesn't hit his brother. tell him he's a big boy and big boy's don't hit, say it's uncool.