Why i want to be a nurse essay?

Question

I would like to become a nurse because ever since i was a little girl i have grown up around the medical feild. My mother is a LPN and has been a nurse for over twenty years, that inspires me to become a nurse because i see that she really cares about her job and the people. Being a nurse is alot more than money to me, its caring for the patients and being able to spend some one on one time with them to show them that i really care about there health. Getting into Knoedler really means alot to me because after this i would like to further my education and become a Hospice Nurse and help people that don't think they can be helped. I also want to be a nurse because i know that i have the sensitivity to deal with the sick and the patients to deal with them also.

Answer 1

I think this is a good start. A couple of suggestions:

-Reorganize your thoughts a bit. You go into some details about why you want to be a nurse in general, then talk about why you want to take this actual program, then back to general reasons to be a nurse. It may be easier for the reader if you complete all the general stuff first, then move on to why you like that particular program

-Add something about what you can offer. The program directors already like their program; tell them what you can bring to it. Some of the points you make can be easily modified to put more emphasis on what you can bring; like changing the last sentence so it says "My patience and sensitivity will help patients deal with their illnesses."

-Watch the sentence length. Some of the sentences are a little long and could be split into two sentences

-Some of the commas would be better off as semicolons; check out the second sentence for example

-Spend a little more time on why you like that particular program. You mention that getting into Knoedler means a lot to you but you don't say why, except for what happens after you leave there! Tell them you like their environment, or that is where your mom went, or so forth. A little praise goes a long way!

Answer 2

I think what you wrote is a fine rough draft. It has reasons why and your heart sounds like it's true. I would take each reason and elaborate on them. Have your guidance counselor help you or even your English teacher.