About marriage?

Question

My parents have selected a man for me to marry. All seems good in a way - I have no reason to reject the man as he is from a decent family, has a good job etc. etc...

However, since we met only thrice, I don't feel any connection with him.

How long do you think this connection will take to develop?

I'm also very uncomfortable going through with this marriage foe some reason - i cannot explain it - i'd like the wedding to be put off but I don't want to make my parents feel bad if i oppose and I don't want to ruin the relationship I share with them.

I know they want what is best for me - but fail to understand my feelings.

Kindly let me know how i can avoid or at least delay the wedding till I'm comfortable with the thought of marrying this man.

Also let me know what I can do to feel 'connected' to the man chosen for me. (He lives in different state so we'll be meeting directly on the day of the engagement now.... he is also busy and rarely talks on the phone....)

I've spoken to my parents but they don't understand. They say that I should not turn down a good proposal and that it will all be fine. They added that good matches are rare to find and I should stop worrying as ther is nothing to be worried about

Please note: it's not that i'm against arranged marriages...I just want an answer to those 2 questions that I specified and no comments on arranged marriages please....

Answer 1

♥ ♥ didnt arranged marriages end a long time ago? If you are an adult and can take care of yourself tell your parents in a loving way.. NO WAY will you be marrying someone you do not know.♥ ♥

Answer 2

A good friend of mine had an arranged marriage and has been happily married for 25 years. However she says that this is actually quite rare, and does not herself believe in arranged marriages any longer. The thing that worries me most is that the man you are supposed to be marrying is too busy even to talk to you on the phone, so obviously doesn't have the same worries that you do about forming a connection before the wedding. I would want the person who was marrying me to WANT to get to know me. Tell you parents that you would like to spend more time with this man before you marry him, I do not see that this is unreasonable at all.

Answer 3

I almost empathise with you ....

Talk to your parents and tell them you have a gut instinct that this marriage is not good for you. If they don't listen ask them whether they would support you and stand by you if the marriage won't work out.

If they say yes, go ahead and get married. Who knows it may turn out good - after all your parents want what is best for you....

I know what ur going through... and from personal experience I know that life can be hell if your relationship with your parents is embittered.....

In case your parents aren't willing to accept the possibility of it not working out or say that they won't support u and that you'd have to make it work then tell them to give u more time and delay the wedding a bit till you get to know him better....

If you still feel that way, talk to him and tell him that you're being forced into the marriage and that he must not mention that you told him this to your parents. If he's has any sense he'll call off the wedding making some other excuse so that in your parent's eyes you wont be at fault for the break up....

If this doesn't work out....good luck......go ahead and get married

It's not worth displeasing your parents as it will only make your life miserable.....

Answer 4

It really gets my goat up when people getting involved in arranged marriages are always striving to to over-compensate by considering their parent's feelings when it should be the other way round. This parental rule by emotional blackmail should be outlawed!!

This 'so-called' decent proposal can't even be bothered to engage in meaningless conversation with you on the phone. What does that say about how you will live? Sounds like you are doing him a favour. If he is so brilliant, why hasn't he been snapped up?

If anyone is going to ruin any relationship, it will be you parents with you and not you with them.

Could you not try asking for more time to get to know him? Like staying round his (or his family's) with a shaperone or something? And luvvie if you don't connect you don't connect unless he gives you the opportunity to. Ask yourself what is it about him that erects a brick wall in you?

Arranged marriages are good where parents tune in to their children and apply the process with consideration i.e. listening to their children's fears, concerns, reservations etc. It is not your responsibility. If he turns out to be a druggie or a wife beater, what do you do then? By then you would have spared your parents feelings and sacrficed your life's happiness. You're a long time dead, at least aim at being happy in life. I am not saying it should be love, but you should at least like him.

Try the shaperone thing. Its quite easy to get an idea of someone in their own surroundings, follow your gut. All the best!!

Answer 5

I am sorry there is so much negativity and judgement in the answers from my fellow Westerners on here! Many Westerners do not understand that there are many pros and cons to arranged marriage, just like chosen ones. Arranged marriage--when chosen properly--can be a very beautiful way to live a life of happiness, with slow-growing, long-enduring love and even passion!

Unfortunately, most Westerners have only heard horror stories about arranged marriage. Yet, what Westerners sometimes don't consider is that marriages based on lust are often short-lived and cause long-term pain and sorrow for the family and children involved. You may be surprised to learn that I have known lots of Western people who, tired of dating and going through failing romances with handsome people who would make terrible partners and parents, have genuinely longed to have an arranged situation where a perfect mate could be chosen for them! Barring stories of violence and patriarchy, I don't think it is possible to judge whether chosen marriages or arranged ones are better. It's all a roll of the dice.

If your marriage was chosen by wise and loving parents, according to an intact tradition, you *may* have nothing to fear but the unknown. Especially if tools such as jyotish astrology were consulted and compatability charts were considered, I would relax and trust your situation. You may even ask your parents to help find a way to incorporate new customs with the old traditions...such as getting to know your fiance in advance. Remember, he may have many of the same fears and apprehensions as you.

I have heard of many arranged marriages that worked out well. Obviously, be strong, smart and know your rights: you are an adult and if you get the signal that something is wrong, remember your innate freedom to act as you choose. However, unless you feel there is some danger with this arrangement--i.e. your parents or fiance may be controlling, disrespectful or violent--then, you have an opportunity for a beautiful life, an authentic synthesis of Eastern and Western traditions!

Good luck!

Answer 6

Honey, you're in a tough spot, but you already know that. There doesn't seem to be a way to get out of it if you're not willing to go up against your parents & their wishes. I understand & admire that you respect them enough to go that far.

That leaves you with doing the best you can to accept the man they've chosen for you. Search through what you know of him to find some things that you have in common and talk about those things when you're together. If you find little or nothing in common, then you need to decide whether you can really go through with this.

You said your parents want what's best for you, and if that is the fact, then they will not want to see you unhappy when you find you and your husband cannot relate to each other.

Was their marriage arranged? If so, ask them how they coped with the unfamiliarity and came to know & love each other. Surely, they (especially your mom) can relate to your apprehension.

If it comes down to it, and you become totally certain that you will not be happy with him, then you must let your parents know that you cannot go through with the marriage. Marriage is not something you can fake your way through. In time, you'll both be miserable.

Best wishes.

Answer 7

if u find the principles of an arranged marriage suit you then you should trust your parents judgement...it will take a while to feel a connection to a man you've hardly met, but look at it more as a business arrangement. he will work and provide you with a decent home and you can have children...trust me it's better than choosing someone who you love who doesn't earn much because the arguments start once you run low on money!

good luck with everything i'm sure you will be fine

Answer 8

well my parents are planning on selecting a man for me and my older sister so i know how u feel. try explaining it to your parents that maybe this guy is not right for u because the connection between a man and women is that after a second of meeting the person. Maybe the there will be no connection because u two r not met for each other Good Luck!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I'm not real familiar with arranged marriages, so I'm not one to use as an authority.

I would say, try to get together with him whenever you can so you two can form a connection.

Express these feelings to him and tell him it's why you want to get together.

I wouldn't have any reservation about delaying the wedding for just the reasons you've stated, making sure you've informed everyone that that's the reason.

Answer 10

I am not sure of the exact details of arranged marriages and if you are able to get to know the person beforehand but I would never marry someone I didn't know - if you have bad feelings then perhaps your instincts are telling you something - if you want to wait surely your parents would understand and as for feelings they grow as a relationship grows but personally I would have to love someone to marry them - good luck

Answer 11

With your culture and type of situation...it is possible to 'grow' in love with your husband. Although, there are very important questions that you can think about and have him answer. Seriously meditate on this.

What is important to you in regard to marriage?
Children
Financial Support
Some amount of freedom...what kind?
Intimate relations...what would you like out of this?
What are his expectations?
Why did your parents select this man? (Believe it or not, usually parents know more about people than you think...and not only that, they probably know the family. These are good things.)

We do fear change. Its very stressful...especially the unknown. What would you gain for putting off the marriage? Your culture and community's beliefs are very important in this...and you should be careful to heed the advice of anyone outside of your culture and community in regard to this situation. I would seek the advice of an older adult....someone you trust; an aunt, your mother, your grandmother, a cousin...a friend's mother...someone that you trust. Get their opinion. I wish you the best of luck!!!