I heard it said that having an affair is all negative ...?

Question

if there is nothing positive about an affair, why would someone have one unless they were in some way driven to it? Look at how hard it is to start one, and what is at risk for having one. Is any affair really worth it? If not, then don't people have to be extremely desparate to have one? What would make them so desparate?

Let's list the negatives and any positives you can think about an affair, and see what out weighs the other.

So far, it seems as if most see them as completely negative. It really supports the conclusion that people must really really be driven to have them.

Just wanted to say, I appreciate people sharing their serious views on this topic.

Thanks to all.

I don't know what happened with this question. I've never had a question that had such longevity. 40 answers and answers coming a full week after the original post... this is amazing.

Soon I will have to pick a best answer.

Answer 1

Basically, I believe that most men and a large percentage of women are not monogamous, by nature.

With 60% of men and 40% of women cheating, I just don't think that's insignificant.

Unfortunately, our society only sees monogamy and monoamory as the only lifestyle alternatives. Because of having no alternative, people cheat. Cheating (affairs) are dishonest and dishonorable behaviors which are destructive to any relationship.

Two non-monogamous alternatives are available. They fall under the umbrella of open marriage. Swinging and Polyamory.

Swinging is primarily sex oriented, where each spouse allows the other to have sexual relationships with other people. Different couples handle this different ways. Some require they are both participating, some don't.

Polyamory is more relationship oriented. Forming longterm romantic, loving relationships with a very strong emphasis the full knowledge and support of all people involved. Honesty and openness is a requirement.

I've been in an open relationship with my wife, for 30 years. I am polyamorous. We are both able to have lasting and loving relationships with others. I give my wife veto power over potential relationships I may want to enter. This gives her some feel of control. I don't ask for that right with her. I trust her judgement.

Studies have shown that these relationship types are as stable as monogamous relationships and have a much lower incidence of cheating (i.e. breaking the rules).

That said, polyamorous relationships require much more work than monogamous relationships. Utter honesty and a great deal of communication is essential to success.

Neither swinging or polyamory is for everyone. But for some of us, it's the only honorable way to live our lives.

Answer 2

People are willing to go through the hard work of having an affair because they think it's even harder to look within themselves and confront their own weaknesses. Both are hard; they're just choosing the direction they think is easier. It's easier to start something new than to fix something broken. One analogy is that it's easier to build a new house than renovate an old one.

Negatives:
1. Platform of new relationship is based on dishonesty.
2. Your "partner" will most likely do the same to you when your affair/relationship hits a rough-spot.
3. Others will be hurt. The affair will impact more people than just the two of you.
4. Your actions are selfish.

Positives:
1. It's always exciting to start a new relationship. You may feel the joy from this experience out-ways the pain and complications you'll bring to other lives around you.

Answer 3

Most times, affairs are negative. I was in an affair with a man for 3 years. I was not desperate. I was simply in a rut sexually and needed someone to break me out of it and open my horizons to new things. And I got just that. I will never regret my time with him and I'm glad it happened.
My experience, however, is pretty much the exception, not the rule. If you are thinking about having one, you must ask yourself these questions: am I bored at home? am I missing something? am I not being loved? will an affair fix my problems? will an affair be what I expected, and give me what I have been needing? am I prepared to take the fall if I'm caught? weigh these questions and make your decision. DONT have an affair on a whimsy.
Those never work out.

Answer 4

Having an affair is definately immoral and wrong...no doubt about it. BUT, it's not always a "negative" experience. Not many people feel free enough to admit it, but positive personal growth can come out of having an affair. I don't think affairs are had out of desperation. I think it's selfishness, period. I don't know of one person who's had an affair and regretted it........unless they're caught that is. I think that for people contemplating an affair, the one and only negative is being caught. The positives are too many to mention, if you're a selfish person that is....unfortunately, far too many feel it's a risk worth taking.

Answer 5

I am a woman who had an affair. . .But 1st, R U talking in general relationship(s) or within a marriage?

I can't say I was "driven" b/c of anything my sp did or didn't do. It was me. I was young, selfish, foolish, inconsiderate of another's feelings, must I continue? surely U get the point. Anyhow, noone drives another 2 do wrong. . . 2 say so is simply a cop-out. Pointing the finger at another about what they do / don't do is simply a stubborn indiv's way 2 not acknowledge what's truly in their heart.

I & the person whom I'd had the affair, most surely caused another/others 2 exper heartache, rejection, insecurities, cheap even. it wasn't/isn't ever a fair way 2 get back at anyone or 2 improve any situation. it will in fact undoubtedly cause more harm in all cases. . .good/positive does not derive from the situation(s) but from the way one handles/chooses 2 deal/work with what they've been given 2 work with.

People fail 2 realize that we become one with he/she whom we lie with. . . If we truly understood this, then fewer would lie with anyone with low morales, ethics, standards of cleaniliness/hygeine, etc.

Answer 6

I had an affair several years ago. For me, it turned out to be a positive experience, because it helped me get out of a really really bad marriage. i never married the person I had an affair with but that person helped me clarify what was going on in my life. When my husband said, "are you having an affair?" I said, "yes", and we began dividing up all our stuff, and we moved out. I was married for 17 years, and I'm so glad that it all happened because I remarried about 6 years ago, and its been a more wonderful rewarding experience. By the way...I would never cheat again. I don't condone it because it just hurts everyone. I figure most people do have affairs because they are dealing with issues that they need answers to.

Answer 7

I think people are driven to having an affair...Sometimes its because they aren't happy in the marriage/relationship that they are in but not sure how to get out....At times people feel as if they don't get everything that they need from their significant other...Other times, people feel that they need that attention from the opposite sex...There are lots of people who are simply starved for attention and will do anything to get it...Even if that means losing everything good in their life....I don't really see anything positive about having an affair and would never think of doing such a thing to my husband...I guess some would see positives as getting more sex, more attention, feeling wanted or needed, and maybe even boosting their self esteem...but in reality these are not positives...they are only a quick fix...The best solution would be to talk to your significant other and try to talk about the problems in your current relationship and find ways to solve them...Too bad people don't do that as often as they should...

Answer 8

Affairs hurt!!!!.... i have been the victum of many. With my husband. I, and many find me very attractive, there is no real reason for an affair besides the person just wanting to do it, because maybe he/she is not ready yet, but dive into marriage for some strange reason unknown. Before we could even discover tht i was too this", or "he was too tht", he had already engaged in sexual affairs. Of course i found out about them two -three years, or 9mth after they happened, but its unfair and lame

it messes with you in all areas. I went out to the clubs seeking attention from othere guys, just to see if i still had it. An affair is a process, there are a number of things tht goes on during an affair. The reasons, like, emotional attention, sexual, or whatever or negative when y ou think about it.


marriage is just not what it used to be

Answer 9

Actually, its not all negative. Affairs/one night stands are great fun, exciting and can actually keep your marriage going. You just have to be sure you know what you are doing and realise that there would be consequenses should it come to light. It depends on the life you lead. A good rule is never have an affair in the same zip/post code as where you and your family are.

Answer 10

Most of the time people have affairs b/c they are not getting what they need at home. I think that people need for someone to think they are "all that" and will listen to them, no matter how stupid the issue, and will have sex with them often. If your partner isn't getting it at home, they will find it somewhere else. For example, a woman is all tied up with being a mother, maid, etc. she just doesn't have the time or energy to do the same thing for her husband. She's too tired to listen to his stupid stories about people at work, let alone have sex. Most mothers just want to be left alone and get some sleep once the kids are in bed. We are too worried about what needs to be done when we wake up. If a man finds a friend at work or whereever that listens to him, talks to him and is everything his wife isn't at the time - his feeling start to shift. he finds himself wanting to talk to his "friend" more, and trying less at home. Yes, it is hard to start an affair - but if it happens gradually, it is something that sneaks up on you. Yes, people are desperate to have an affair. they are desperate for the attention that the new person gives them - and stupid as all get out for letting if get that way. it all comes down to attention.