When is the best age to tell a child about a father that I will never let see my child?

Question

My girl is 5 and she is really into knowing about her dad whom is a child molester. She sees her older brother see his dad every week. When or how should I go about telling her about him. I problemly won't tell her about his nasty habit or should I?

Answer 1

This is a difficult one, but whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that your daughter is, essentially, half her dad. If you tell her at this young of an age that her father is "bad", she might grow to believe that part of her is bad or wrong and develop self esteem issues later on. It is, I'm sure, also hard to explain to her that even though her brother can see his dad, she can't see hers. She might feel like she's being unfairly punished or that she's unloved in some way. Though you can't necessarily *replace* her dad, maybe you could let her visit an uncle, grandfather, or a close male friend of yours around the time that your son visits his father? This way, she will foster a healthy relationship with a father-like figure and get the sort of affection/attention that you can't completely provide (obviously as a mother, you give her lots of love, but its good for her to have a male role model, too).
Ultimately, she will need to know the truth, but it might be too difficult for her to maturely comprehend without some complicated emotional issues for quite some time (I'd say it would be safer to tell her about her father when she's well into her teens??). Until then, if she absolutely needs an explanation, you might need to pretend her dad lives far away...? Sorry I can't help more on what to actually tell her. Just make sure she knows she's loved.

Answer 2

(I assume brother has a different dad):

I don't believe in every telling a child something that they will come later to see as an outright lie - but omitting infomation is necissary to protect's kids emotional health. At some point you are going to have to tell her that:

you love her very much and that you are sure that her dad would love her, but that he made choices in his life that make him not healthy (safe?) to be around.

I would NOT go into details about what those habits are - she will ask and you must tell her that it is adult information.

Do not make him sound like a bad man - she may think then SHE is bad because she is his child. Focus on the fact that he made bad CHOICES.

And do NOT lie to her and say she'll see him later. She may NEVER see him - you don't want her waiting for someday.

I have found that giving children the least amount of information they are willing to accept is the best. Eventually they will want more information - and you can keep feeding them the facts on a need-to-know basis.

You also need to find a father figure for her quick - and a safe consistent one - not a boyfriend etc. that may come in/out of her life. Girls without fathers are at much higher risk for early sexual behavior because they are seeking that male approval and they have not been taught a standard of how to be treated by a male.

And tell her you feel lucky that you don't have to share her with anyone (and I'm assuming that brother has a different dad) and make the time brother sees dad a special time with her.

I don't want to judge - but I hope that your focus is on providing a 100% stable home for these children - and boyfriends hurt stability.

Answer 3

I guess she will ask soon, because of her older brother, but until she asks, don't mention it.

I think it is potentially dangerous to a child' developing self-image to tell a child they are related to such a monster.

Now I know why people told kids these bad eggs had died. If there was no one ever to contradict that, that might be best, actually.

Don't ever give her more information than she asks for and as she's raised, sprinkle in occasionally information about child molesters. That is, over the years, you want to give the info that such people are made, not born, so that if she ever learns, she already has a framework for thinking about him that doesn't taint her.

Your poor kids have such an unstable and rough life. How did it happen? What will you tell them about how to do better by your kids?

Answer 4

If the Father is a known "Child Molester", why does her brother get to visit? If she Wants to see her Father, Contact the Local Child Protective Services and see what they have to say about it! I have 6 children and if their Mother was a child Molester, the only way that would Happen is with Supervised Visitation in a Controled Environment. Our local CPS Dept. has a Place for Visitation for this type of situation. If it were me, I would Not let the Brother Visit without Supervision either. Pedophiles are what they are, they hurt children Regardless of the sex( Male or Female). John R.

Answer 5

If she asks, then tell her the truth, but tell her so she will be able to understand. Like say this, "Your dad has done something wrong to hurt other kids like you, so this is why I am protecting you from being around him."

By the way, I don't think your son should be around his dad either, if he is still a child.

Answer 6

well if the aligations r true about him being a child molester why is her sibling able to see the dad i would think that know child should be allowed to see there parent if the alligations on molestation are to be true not all molesters molest girls they also moleste lil boys so y would the other child be able to see the dad and not the other , . i dont think that u should tell your daughter about her dads sickness but teach her that know one and i mean know one should touch her in certain spots of her body unless its a doctor and someone else is in the room as well , children are never to young to learn that there bodies are theres and no one should touch them or make them uncofortable , back to the dad yes he is sick in the head but no matter what never bad talk bout the other parent in ears range of a child , talk to a counsler and let the counsler know and see what they say about telling your daughter , shes gonna wounder why billy gets to see daddy and she dont i feel when she ask that u need to tell her that daddy touched lil girls or boys where he shouldnt have , u need to be honest with her there lil minds may not be able to understand thats y counsling should come in and see what they say
YOUR THE PARENT AND ITS YOUR DUTY TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD SO AFTER CAREFULL REVIEW OF WHAT I WROTE I DO THINK U NEED TO TELL HER WHO KNOWS HE MAY HAVE TOUCHED HER OR ATTEMTED TO BUT SHE DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL U ETC , BUT A CHILD DOES NEED TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE DANGERS OUT THERE . MOST CHILDMOLESTERS VICTUM ARE THOSE THAT THEY KNOW AND TRUST SO LET HER KNOW BUT IN WAYTS THAT SHE CAN UNDERSTAND 5 YRS OLDS ARE SMARTER THAN WHAT WE THINK

Answer 7

first off I'm glad that you're standing firm on this issue...too many girls I've heard from nowadays seem to think that it's all about parental rights, yadda yadda, and the baby has a right to know his/her daddy, etc...

I have a three yr. old son whose dad walked out on me whilst I was 4 months preggers, and his excuse in the end was that I didn't "look" pregnant so he was outsville..

Now I also have a 5 month old daughter with this dude who is 32, still lives with his momma and has no job, isn't exactly a child molestor but still, I say it's in the child's best interest to be surrounded by secure, mature ppl who live up to their responsiblilties in life...

5 yrs is still too young to address the seriousness of what exactly her father is...don't feel guilty for holding back such horrid information, rather focus on her life and happiness, I'm glad she's asking questions, that is definitely a positive sign, just tell her what she needs to know, her father cannot be with her or see her because (you need to figure that much out for yourself unfortunately).........your love as her mother is going to conquer any obstacles in her young life, just stay strong, I can't imagine how this feels but I'm totally on your side!

Answer 8

Try this:
Look in your community for organizations that counsel children who have been abused and ask to speak to a therapist. Many such organizations are free. Even though your child hasn't been violated (I hope and assume!) they would know how you should word things to your child and how to answer which questions your daughter has.
Good luck!

Answer 9

I'd tell her that he has a sickness in his head, and children can't be around him because he's not nice to children. Sorry you got prego by a child molester, that would really suck.

Answer 10

i had this problem with a friend of mine's children. we just told them that he wasn't a good man and it would be bad for them to be around him. they were 4 and 5 at the time (that's when they first started asking) and so far they ask occasionally why they can't see him. we just tell them that he's a bad, mean man that they don't need to be around. so far it's worked and eventually i'm sure their mom will tell them more, but they're just too young right now.