fear of abandonment and borderline personality disorder, I am confused?

Question

I am curious and confused. A major characteristic of borderline personality disorder is an intense fear of abandonment. So i want to know why the only advice i can ever receive as a carer for someone with borderline is to run for the hills. The logic behind it is that people with borderline suck the life out of everyone they get close to and destroy them, which i get and can understand why it would be easier to run. But what confuses me is that people with the illness are already desperatly afraid of losing those they care about, this fear is what causes their behaviours and the source of their overwhelming pain. If i run to protect myself from being destroyed am i not just continuing to enhance my friend's pain. if we all run whenever we meet a borderline who will help them. Are we running just because it is too hard to stay. Or is running to save yourself actually the harder thing to do?

Dee, i do know what you are talking about to a degree. I've experienced the life sucking out thing they do. which is why i understand the advice to run. but what concerns me is if we all choose to run, who will ever help them. i know that i may no longer be strong enough to stay but it is heartbreaking to me that everyone will leave her for the same reasons. i want to see her smile again but don't see how that can happen when the only advice on how to care for them is to run. There should be something more.

Answer 1

of the several people I have known who have borderline the one major characteristic they share is being all too intelligent and hyper aware of what their condition does to those around them and how they really dont want to drive others away and all of the people I have known with borderline have actively worked towards not sending their loved ones packing....

you are right to stick by your friend. you are right that just one more person turning their back and walking away will not help but only add to the problems...

to have a really balanced relationship with your friend you need to be open honest and allow her to do the same.. dont be afraid to broach the topic of the borderline and have some real information from health care services to refer to and talk about with your friend.

make some firm boundary rules.... draw some lines in concrete not the sand.... say

okay when you need me it is okay to call me to come and visit with you..... but at the same time it is okay for me to do that when I can... and not just drop everything and come right now... I will tell you when I can make it and I will come when I say I will...

and
It is not okay for you to hurt yourself. you do not have my permission to hurt your body in any way.If you feel the need to hurt yourself and you cant contact me then you need to call the emergency mental health team..... (Accept that you can not always be there to prevent them hurting themself.)

and
you are my friend and I care about you deeply and I know you care about me deeply. even if I am not here I am still caring. Just like when kids grow up and move out of home they still care for their parents and their parents still care for them.... even if they move a long way away.

try to make time to do some practical or creative stuff together. dont spend your time together talking over health issues, sadnesses, fears etc.... make your time together purposeful.

and
staying is definitely the harder thing to do...

Answer 2

There's not a simple answer to this question. I have a severe panic disorder as well as BPD and feeling like a victim is definitely NOT one of the perks. Speaking for myself I don't really feel like a victim. I know I was brought up in an emotiontionally abusive invalidating environment, but I don't feel any animosity for that and when I'm not having an episode I'm proud of who I am and the family I come from. The downside is the episodes... it truly is night and day. I can wake up with a severe panic attack and want to start cutting myself or take more medication then I'm supposed to. That's why I have a psychiatrist and a therapist I can trust. So my medications are being handled appropriately at the same time I'm learning how to cope with the pain and the stress and regulate my emotions with DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Training). There are people whom I love and trust that know the severity and type of disorders I have but that is so they don't start thinking any of it is their fault. Everyone whom I casually know just knows I've been sick for a long time which is why I was out of work so long but I'm doing much better now. I don't think your a victim if you have BPD, I think you're a victim if you give up living because the BPD.

Answer 3

I don't know, and not even positive I have the disorder, but was ONCE diagnosed as such after a very brief visit with a psychiatrist. In any case, fear of abandonment is something I've gotten over, but yeah, it makes sense. Maybe I don't have it, but I've never sucked the life out of anyone. And either way, people with mental disorders do need people, because it's isolating enough to have something that affects your everyday life and makes you feel like no one around you understands.

Answer 4

I think what they mean when they say run for your life, it is because with a borderline person, it is like anything you do, no matter how much you reassure a person or try to be there for them, it is never enough for them. It comes from within them, the insecurity, the need for security is insatiable.No matter what you do they still feel the way they do. They might feel better in the short run but the feeling will alway come back no matter how good you treat them. That's why you will feel like the life is sucked out of you and you can't take it anymore so you leave.

Answer 5

My mother suffers from Borderline personality disorder. She is incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative. It used to make me so miserable. But now that I understand what this condition entails, I don't let it bother me so much. I know what to expect from her and I generally let it roll off my back. If this person is dear enough to you, I suggest you learn what you can about the behavior associated with this condition. Your other choices are to put on your walking shoes or suffer the abuse.

Answer 6

you are not stuck with a borderline personality forever.
people can learn, adapt and change.
former borderlines can learn not to suck the life out of others.
the diagnosis doesn't mean you're stuck with it.
just like cancer, you can get cured.
you can cure yourself.
i recommend dance meditation (www.dancemeditation.org)
but humans are able to learn and grow and
so can a 'borderline' personality.
it's worth trying.

Answer 7

To stay and remain a friend to someone with BPD is a brave and noble conquest I must admit.

You MUST set up and maintain boundaries with these people. They can and often do suck the life out of friends and family members...they often play the victim and say or do things to make those closest to them look like the monsters.

If you're prepared to endure the troublemaking, and talking behind your back...the grandstanding...the negative attention seeking behavior...the CONSTANT (and I mean neverending) drama, with you put in the middle many times, more power to you.

There's a reason anyone should run like hell from a BPD "victim". If you haven't already seen it, you soon will.

They aren't happy unless there's some sort of mayhem going on and I have yet to meet one that doesn't forever screw things up around them.

I can take a bash on this from other people, but I've known several people with this affliction and I swear, I'll call someone out on their crap. I've had many good friends that have BPD, but I keep a good sound distance between me and them...because when they're done screwing up their own lives, they move on to the last people they should try to mess up...their friends.

Whoever gave you the "run like hell" advice was correct.

BPD cannot be cured and there's no medication to even reduce the symptoms and characteristics this condition brings. They're awfully good at leeching pity off of everyone too and those who give them the most, they'll keep in their close proximity. BPD's rarely ever have more than one close friend. If you ever notice, they'll have one close chum and other people are just acquaintences. You'll also notice how they talk bad about others while with you...trust me, when you aren't with them, YOU are the one they're talking about.

Other disorders that are non-curable and make people undesirable to be close to include forms of sociopathy. You wouldn't hang out with a serial killer would you? Someone with BPD is just as screwed up in the head...

If you do intend to remain the friend of one of these people, like I said before, you have to establish boundaries and stick to them. You have to be a tough friend and don't take any crap...call them out on their constant victimization, constant demonizing of others in their lives, their self pity parties (which are used for attention) and other bad behaviors. The threats of suicide get old after a while too and unfortunately for the rest of us, they never have the courage to just do it. The only cure for BPD is a good bullet in the head. I know it sounds cold, but after you've been burned by one of these assholes, you'll feel the same way and you'll know what I'm talking about. I've known quite a few and even have a friend that I've known for 25 years and I still think the best thing for these people would be a nice rest in the ground. They're always miserable and make others around them just as pathetic with their drama encrusted whirlwind of self induced and exaggerated despair.

Guaranteed, once you make it known to them you won't put up with the crap, they'll move onto another friend and you'll be the next one wearing the demon suit.

I would agree with "run like HELL" though....

Answer 8

please the only way to do it see your doctor don't wait to long please Hun and don't run.don't stay like that please. xo