What to tell my 4 yr old daughter???about where her dad is??

Question

My husband and i met in 5th grade.We got married 5 month after college graduation when i found out i was pregnant.The marriage lasted 2 yrs before he left when my daughter was 1.5 he left saying "he could not take this anymore".I have had no contact with him now in what will be two years in Febuary.I believe my husbands parents said he was in New Zealand when they heard from him last. I am going to file for divorce but i dont know what to tell my child?

I dont know why he left.he started acting strangley and was very distant when i got pregnant.After my daughter was born he started harassing me to go back to work but at this time i was still physically having problem getting around it had only been 4 weeks!I went back to work part time but that still did nothing to ease the problems because then i became a bad house keeper.He started to coming home late and staying out with friends.

She has asked and i said her dad went away but she keeps asking?

Answer 1

I try not to ever lie to my daughter, but I also don't believe that she needs to know EVERY detail...and yes, I will tell her a bit more each time she asks, and she will eventually know everything.
I try to keep the information appropriate for her age and understanding.

Answer 2

I am so sorry that you are going through such a bad time. Life alone is hard enough without being thrown such curve balls. But have faith that everything will get better. I am a mother of two and know from experience that it is extremely hard to see your children hurt.
My suggestion is to talk to your daughter. She is very young so you will need to find a way to tell her the truth in a simple way. Without many details for now so that she doesn't get confused. You may want to talk to her pediatrician or a child psychologist to help you communicate this to her. You must remember to add in that it was not her fault and never talk badly about her father to her or around her. It may cause her self esteem issues down the road. For now you can tell her something along the lines " your daddy and I did not get along very well and he moved away....but it's not your fault."
I don't know something along those lines. It's a difficult situation you are in, but like I said before seek help from a professional who may be able to give you a better idea on how to go about the situation, and keep it simple. And remind her that even though daddy is not there mommy is and you love her very much.
I wish you luck and I hope you everything works out for you and your daughter.

Answer 3

I agree with what many of the others have said- never lie to her. Here is a detail that has been left out so far: Be kind. The fifth commandment states that we should honor our father and mother so that our days will be long upon the earth, so do not speak in an unforgiving way to her about him. At whatever point you must give her the details, and these details will contain at least some of his errors, be accurate but forgiving. This will require you to be able to forgive him, too, and then to convey that to your daughter on that day when it is right. This is easier said than done at times.

When you feel bad, remember that you have a beautiful daughter. Find people who can support you emotionally, and she will be glad that you have friends: That, too, will make her feel better.

Answer 4

Tell your child that you and her father loved each very much, but were unable to get along, just as se sees some of her friends not get along. Tell her he loves her very much but he had to go far away (Show her on a map and explain) to work, and he misses and loves you but is afraid to write because he feels so sad. There will be time for her to adjust to the situation,after all he has been gone two years and she probably can,t remember him. Let her have time to get to the age when she can understand,otherwise she may feel she did something wrong. Don't allow her you talk negatively to your friends and family, because she is too young. T here will be plently of time later to explain things. Just don't let her listen to negative things. Too much damage can be done until she is old enough to understand that different people have different problems and he was not able to stay with you, but he loved her. I know it is hard for you but it will not make it easier for her if she feels unwanted. I married a divorced man whose wife talked about him terribly and he never said a bad word about her. when his children grew up, his daughter became closer to me than her mother and has said many times how glad he married me. You never know how things are going to turn out.Times can be terrible and yet we get through them an life gets better. Good luck with everything you do and hang in there. You are doing the caring, right thing. The guy is either emotionally sick or a jerk and you have every right to be angry and disappointed. But you want to have 20 or 30 years with him and then have him leave? Better now to get on with your life and be grateful you are young enough to have another life. He controlled your thoughts and worries long enough. Crose him off as a dysfunctional person that you are better off without. Love and happiness to you and your daughter

Answer 5

There's really not much to tell her. You can't tell her what you don't know. Tell her he is in New Zealand. Show her a map, pointing out where you live, and where her dad is. That may be all she wants to know, at this point. If she starts asking why he doesn't live with you, tell her that you made a mistake, and didn't pick the right daddy for her, but she has a good mommy, and grandma and grandpa, and aunt so-and-so, who all love her and are taking care of her. Don't ever tell her that her dad "could not take this anymore". She would feel like it was her fault, he left. Good luck.

Answer 6

You have to be as truthful with your child as possible. Be careful though you don't want to say anything to disturbing because your child may grow up and hate you later on in life. She may feel you lied to her, and just said those things to keep her away from her father. But you need to tell her bits and pieces and when she gets old enough to understand, then you explain things. But only if she asks. Some kids don't even care after a certain amount of time. He's only hurting himself.

Answer 7

What and how much to tell your daughter depends largely on how you normally communicate with your daughter. Only you would know how well she responds to reasoning.

But I think you would need to let her know at least that daddy will not be coming back anymore and that it would just be you and her.

If you don't feel compelled to tell her why daddy will no longer be staying with her, the next best thing I would imagine is to say that you will explain to her when she is older. Then tell her that you still love her and that you will always be around to take care of her.

Answer 8

I think it's important to be honest with your children appropriate to their age level.

You probably won't have to say anything to her until she asks, and it would be a good idea to have a strong male figure on her life while you're waiting for the big question. Maybe your father or an uncle or even a close friend.

The questions usually come up in school, and by then you'll hopefully have a plan of attack.

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Answer 9

hats off for u lady, 4 yrs u supported yourself and ur daughter without another man.
try not to lie to her, coz even id u say i dont know, and if she finds out later- even though ur husband did wrong to u, your daughter will point a finger at u first "u lied to me mom", and u dont want to hear that ever. u dont want to lose ur daughter. u c they wont forget very quickly big things like this.

tell her very slowly, in her language, dont just get serious all of a sudden- she will get scared, tell her playfully.

also- let her make out the conclusion, dont say that daddy was a bad man and stuff- allow her create a picture of her daddy in hr mind.

i hope this helps.

Answer 10

I split with my ex. three years ago..my son had just turned two. He has asked me a few times where his daddy is, and I told him that I don't know, and that is the truth. My son saw a pic of him and his dad together. I would just say the truth, appropriate for child's age. You don't have to go into great details. I also told my son that his dad is not well either...without going into great details about his addictions and mental health. Take care.