do recovering alcoholics ever consider the impact their behavior has had on their spouses?

Question

Spouse is in alcohoic treatment for 4 weeks and seems oblivious to how this experience is affecting me and our relationship. Seems very narcissitic (sp?_ and rigid in thinking. I know/attend Al Anon and family education meetings but this issue is not addressed and we are not given any information at all how family member is doing in treatment. Are spouses always left in the dark with no information on how patient is doing or what we are to expect if anything once they are through with treatment, besides to support their new found sobriety?

Answer 1

At some point, yes. they do.

Your husband will be enouraged to attend AA meetings, and considering the impact that their illness has had on others and apologizing to everyone that they've hurt is one of the steps in teh program. In the meantime, he is hopefully working very hard on getting well himself.

Is there a facilitator at your Al Anon meetings? If so, either before or after a meeting, ask your questions of that person.

Answer 2

Good luck with that honey. My spouse is a "recovering alcoholic" and will be until the day he dies. He has gone to treatment and fallen off the wagon time and time again. What happens while they are in treatment is private and no the family can not be informed of any of the progress or what is currently taking place. No they do not consider their actions because they do not feel what they were doing is wrong. I'd also like to add that mine has been sober and we have been happy for 2 yrs now and he still daily fights the urge to drink but if he starts again I am gone and he knows he has a choice "the bottle" or his family the choice was his.

Answer 3

One pitfall of Al-anon is that people get together to trash their alcoholics rather than being responsible for how they are speaking. Tearing down the alcoholic is not the way to empower them in their recovery. You do need to handle your pain and resentment, but being effective at this requires love and commitment to empowerment.

Counseling sessions are confidential, as they should be. You should make eforts to communicate with your alcoholic or arrange joint therapy sessions for your relationship, or counseling on your own.

Don't take victim status. You have a say about going or staying. Getting clear on your own commitment to yourself, your relationship and your alcoholic is key.

4 weeks is basically brand spanking new in recovery. Your question sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment. Yes, you have probably been through a lot, but running a trip on your alcoholic is not going to help. Honest communication will. The alcoholic is concentrating on coming to terms with their own lives. Expecting a new recovery to be able to assume knowledge and responsibility for the whole scene at once is asking a lot, maybe too much. Give it some time. You need to take an honest look and see how much time you are willing to give. The possibility of relapse may always be there.

Answer 4

Therapy is private. Between the counselor and your spouse. In the initial stages of therapy the alcoholic has to deal with the impact upon his life. In the 12 Steps of AA there is the one (either 4 or 5th step) where the alcoholic faces the people that he "wronged" with his addiction. Don't become discouraged, it will be an adjustment for you as well as for him. Expect that life is different and not normal as you have known it. Some spouses find it difficult to accept their spouse sober. Continue with the al anon meetings.

Answer 5

Part of the recovery is seeking an apology from all the people that you screwed over or just messed up cause you were a drunk and basically out of control. Yeah, he owes you an apology, and by most programs that is one of the first steps or whatever.
The reason for no contact is two fold, one is that some blame others for thier problems,it sux, but they do, untill they learn to take credit for thier own actions they cannot relate to others well.
Another is the enabler thing, yeah it kinda sux also, but as yall are married, his drinking patterns are tied into yalls actions and interactions. sorta, its a tuff one to understand, but it is there and those that hide from reality can never be honest with themselves and therefore cannot be honest with others.
'Thank whatever or whoever you want that he is getting help, be happy that you are maybe getting back tyhe man you married and not the drunk he was. And celebrate life with a sober laughter.

Answer 6

If they are truly in recovery, they are waking up and can only hope that their spouse will be there for them when they are going through/are done with treatment. If a spouse feels they need to keep paying for their (what their spouse views as huge mistakes) mistakes instead of trying to be compassionate and stick with the one they swore to love through good and bad, thick or thin, then maybe, just maybe, that spouse could be part of the problem that helped to drive and/or keep the hopeful recovering alcoholic stuck in that awful rut. It just amazes me that man and wifes can just feel like it is okay to just up and give up on the one they swore they loved at one time. Pretty shallow behavior to just give up. I, for one, would never give up on somebody who I knew to be loving and kind and just drifted into a rut that, without me, may never find a way to climb up and out of that rut. Who is really the loser? Remember, for better or worse? Whose thinking is rigid? Think about it. Obviously, your spouse never meant enough to you in the first place.

Answer 7

My spouse divorced me because of my drinking (even though I drank to escape her utter lunacy). Yes, alcoholics consider the impact. That's why they drink... to avoid it. End of story.

BTW, ♫Just Ducky♫ is just an icon. I'm a guy who's had it with the female's lack of consistency and direction. I picked Norah Jones picture because she's great to look at. Beyond that, she's just another female.