A grandmother needs your advice, please?

Question

My adult children in their mid 30's have just found out that their father is getting a divorce for the 3rd time since they were babies. He established his first relationship with them when they were in college.(I never remarried at all )
It has been healing for all of them to some extent. My question is: should I not say anything about it one way or the other because i don't want to get into bashing him (and all I probably need is a platform to do so since he left me with 3 children all under the age of 3 to rear by myself (but it was fun!!). I want to support them in their hurt and disappointment, but frankly I don't care what happens to him in his old age....signed, mixed emotions

God Bless all of you for your sincere answers. They all did call me and I stuck my foot in my mouth with my beloved son. So, I wrote them all a real nice email telling them I wanted to support them in any way I could, but that it would probably be easier for them to talk with one another....and reminded them of a plaque they gave me years ago which says, "Lord, please put your arms around my shoulders and your hands over my mouth"....I purposely ask this question in this category because I wanted answers from people just like you....thanks again and they know how much fun I had rearing them by myself...many trips where they got to take friends, and many meals at our house, etc.

Answer 1

Wow. I'd be tempted to bash the heck out of him, too.

He's done nothing to deserve any thought from you. But your kids, no doubt, still love him.

Be the bigger person and hold your tongue around the kids. It's the kinder thing to do. But call your friends up and witch about his sorry butt to your heart's content. :)

Answer 2

Well...truthfully it's none of your business what he does...I mean yes...it does effect your adult children in some way...but as far as telling them anything negative about their father...that would be wrong!

The best thing to do for them is be an ear and a shoulder! I'm sure if this has been happening for their entire lives then this will impact them less than it would have when they were younger...after all their adults now!

Just be there and love them and say nothing at all, just listen!

Good Luck.

Answer 3

Hi there mixed emotions.

It's really a difficult world we live in. I have been divorced for several years. My children are in their mid-20's. I have never bashed their father for all of his evil ways. But so many times I could have gone on forever!!!!!

Let your children come to you, listen too them, tell them you understand how they must feel. But do not bash their father, it will come right back at you.

My kids now tell me they know and remember I never said a bad word against their father or his family. However, their father bashes me and my family all the time.

God Bless.

Answer 4

Wow! I think a simple, I knew your father a quarter of a century ago. While some characteristics about a person does not change, I do not know enough about him now to discuss him any more. If they ask specific was he like questions, answer simply and honestly. (Remember all the advice about not giving too complicated an answer when kids ask about sex?) If they are not and you just can't stomach it any more, then find a way to redirect the conversation. After all, we both know actions speak louder than words. They know deep down that he really isn't much of a man.

Answer 5

Please by all means refrain from bashing their father. My fife comes from a divorced household, my father in law never bashes his ex wife, my mother in law, and we have a great relationship with him. My mother in law has nothing to say except to bash ex husband, we have very little relationship with her because we try to avoid the negativity. We want to love both equally, but she has made that very difficult. The worst thing is she does not hold back at any time, and the grandchildren are the ones who pay the highest price, they used to be so confused because grandma is always talking bad about grandpa who they love just as much.

I applaud you on keeping silent when it comes to your ex especially around the children, no matter how old they are.

Answer 6

I found its best not to put our own feelings into someone elses pain. You have every right to be disenchanted with your ex, but if your children hurt regardless, respect that. Try turning it around to see what I mean. If it was you hurting because of something, and your kids were just talking about how bad that thing was for you anyway, does that really help? No, when you hurt you want compassion, not how you deserve it, or shouldnt feel that way or how much worse someone else feels.

Answer 7

There is no need to bash him ... your children can discern that for themselves. By your taking the "higher road" you will only be elevated in the eyes of your children. You can support them in their hurt and disappointment without stooping to bashing. You can encourage your children to love their father even though they may be hurt and disappointed in him .... love does not necessarily include understanding why he was not more a part of their lives. In the end, holding on to hurt, anger, etc. only damages the one holding it close. You sound as though you've been a great mom, making great choices, and will likely come to the right conclusion on your own.

Rock on, Mama!

Answer 8

What a heartbreaking decision to have to make!

I don't have any experience with this kind of thing, but my gut instinct is to tell them what you just told us...and especially that it was fun to raise three children. That in the end, it all worked out.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 9

Well you can tell them that you hope he will finally find someone he can settle down with, and that you hope the both of them will be happy because the sacrament of marriage is very important, not only to the people in the marriage itself, but to society in general.

This way you won't be exactly be bashing him, but you will still be expressing your views on how he apparently takes marriage very "lightly"

Answer 10

Oh, you care. you just want to say, "see, I told you he was a bad person". I know, I want to do the same thing. However, hold your tongue, and let them decide for themselves what kind of person he really is. My kids used to hate that i never let them see thir dad, when all thetime he never tried to see them. However, when he got married a few yearsago, he invited them forshow, and they found out that he cares more for his new wife's kids than them, and that he still says I was the fault of our breakup, even though they've met the woman he was committing adultery with.