7 months ago, my younger brother passed away. Needless to say, this has been a very painful and difficult time for me and my family as we grieve his loss. On three separate occasions, with 3 different people who I am acquainted with through a community organization, when I mentioned the death of my brother, not one of them said, "My condolences," "I'm sorry for your loss." or just, "I'm sorry." One of the people I mentioned this to in person, and the other two via e-mail. I feel it is common courtesy, and just basic decency to at least say, "I'm sorry," when someone tells you they lost a loved one, even if they are relative strangers. What do you think?
2007-01-07 10:57:14 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
I want to say, "thank you" to all of you who replied here with kindness, empathy, warmth, and sensitivity to another human being's sorrow.
God bless you!
2007-01-07 12:24:49 · update #1
I am so sorry for you loss. I understand how sad and the grief that you are experiencing. My brother died in march of last year. When I returned to work after being off for a week there were a number of people that I worked with that didn't acknowledge his death. I was very hurt by this and felt that because of the nature of my work, in palliative care that these people would be more sensitive. I have come to the conclusion that there are three reasons behind not acknowledging a death. First being these people were not educated by anybody about the etiquette behind saying how sorry you were. The second reason that some people are so uncomfortable with the idea of death that they prefer to just ignore it. Third that someone doesn't feel that they are close enough to owe you this personal courtesy. Rather than obsess about it I concluded that these people were not worth my concern. They were not close to me nor did I have enough of a relationship with them to pursue the matter. I hope that you and your family are able to get through this loss and I am glad to hear that you have your family to support each other. God bless.
2007-01-07 11:07:27 · answer #1 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Maybe some people don't react well to hearing things like that. They feel that maybe they shouldn't say anything in order to NOT offend you.
How well do you know these people? Are they considered friends? Acquaintences, or just people that happen to be in a community organization that you have seen once or twice?
Everyone reacts differently to hearing about someone's death. Some people go all out to try and help the family, some people just shut it out.
You can't really judge them by not giving their condolences, unless you know them well enough to know that it is what they normally would do for someone else.
Chances are they didn't mean to offend you by not saying anything. A lot of people just ignore it. It's not exactly a comfortable subject.
2007-01-07 19:07:51 · answer #2 · answered by Brianne H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for your loss but I think some people have had bad experiences with other peoples' grief and they feel uncomfortable. When my dad died when I was in high school a lot of well-meaning people tried to say the right thing and ended up sounding dumb, and I think they knew it. Personaly I know how trite the "i'm sorry" thing sounds and I have mixed feelings about using it. I think now people do it because it's expected. But then doesnt that make it almost as dumb as "Have a nice day?" I'm rambling now. Sorry. Anyway my point it that I wouldnt think twice about someone not saying sorry. They may be impolite or they may be trying not to sound dumb, or they just might not know what to say. If someone I care about loses someone I usually say, "I know how hard this must be for you right now. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out." I dont think I clarified anything, but I hope it helps.
2007-01-07 19:12:56 · answer #3 · answered by baldisbeautiful 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for your loss. I'm not sure that people are really rude they do not know what to say and so just say nothing. Too many people are not exposed to death because they are not part of an extended family where that is part of growing up. This is why so many people are afraid of death because it is so unknown. Please do not take this reaction of people personally. I really think it has to do with their ignorance and discomfort.I am sorry to note common decency is not so common. Again my condolences. AL
2007-01-07 20:05:43 · answer #4 · answered by al 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think a brief acknowledgement of your brothers passing from the others would be appropriate.
At the core, you are still hurting and wish to let people know this. This is part of the coping / grieving process. All of us could be more sensitive and pay more attention to what people are not so much saying, but rather....what they are trying to convey.
2007-01-07 19:36:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I totally agree with you. I think people these days are not being taught basic manners. I think that is a big part of what is wrong with our society today. If people would use good manners and be polite to each other, the world would definitely be a better place.
2007-01-07 19:05:42 · answer #6 · answered by Marie 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I feel your pain and I am sorry about the loss of your younger brother. Just keep thinking about the good times you had with him and know that he is now in peace. Some people are de-sensitized to other people and it is a shame. Do not get discouraged over those idiots.
2007-01-07 19:04:02 · answer #7 · answered by sunny4life 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
First, let me say I am very sorry for your loss. I too, have lost a sibling and know the pain it brings to a family. It is customary to acknowledge a loss, however never say I know how you feel. In losing my sister it was hard, but not knowing a person's true emotions and attachment to the person you can never say you know exactly how they feel.
2007-01-08 05:19:35 · answer #8 · answered by albert_noodles 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think it's ignorance or simply people not knowing or having the ability to express themselves in a manner that society deems appropriate.
Truly they should be able to offer a heartfelt sympathy.
I'm sorry for the difficult time you've experienced and hope you can offer your own forgiveness to those that cannot find their voice at the right time.
2007-01-07 19:06:03 · answer #9 · answered by ☼High☼Voltage☼Blonde☼ 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for the loss you and your family have experienced. I hope my simple condolence helps to reflect upon the sympathy I'm sure those three individuals you mentioned are also feeling.
Don't dwell on whether they were being rude; you may have left them speechless.
2007-01-07 19:05:36 · answer #10 · answered by Galt_007 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋