just became engaged to a man that was married before,do all "2nd wifes" feel shorted like me?

Question

this is my 1st marrage,my bfs 2nd(he also has a child with his ex)tom's 1st wedding consisted of a huge wedding(200+people in which 78 were toms family)expensive engagment photos the full works.now for "our" wedding he wants it as small as possible tells people what a waste of money a wedding is.his proposal consisted of us sitting at home looking at houses to buy.he said he did not want to buy a house with me unless we were married(to set a good example for his son), i said ok,he said we will go pick out the ring tomorrow that was it.i told him i will pay for half the wedding,which is more than his ex did(he payed for the whole thing right out of college)i don't expect an expensive wedding,i just want him to show some interest.i know from his sister he was fully involed and excited about his 1st wedding.sometimes i feel hes getting married just to have someone help pay the bills.does this mean he does not love me as much as his 1st wife or is it just done it did it no big deal anymore

money is tight right now for him with child support/divorce but so was it when he married his 1st wife right out of college

Answer 1

Okay there are two things I want to say here:

1) That scenario sounds eerily like one of my ex's and while he cares about his wife, he is most definitely not in love with her. They both had children before the marriage and it was seen as a blending of families when they bought the house but he has attempted to cheat on her a few times since then.

If you are not worried about any of the above then I'll go with part two.

2) My boyfriend was married before we met. She died shortly after their daughter was born. He's just as excited now as he was then at the thought of getting married. Primarily because he didn't think he would ever want to get married again after she died and because the three of us have clicked very well. I'm actually talking him down on the budget because we could buy a nice house with his budget.

If you are worried about these things now you should share them with him because this is supposed to be a happy day for you both. It doesn't have to be uber elaborate but he should seem eager to spend the rest of his life with you. A house is not a good enough reason to get married believe me.

Answer 2

He has already gone Through a marriage and he knows what its like and how its all done and This is your first. So he most likely wont get AS excited as he was The first time but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much as his 1st wife and i bet money is tight from the divorce and child support when i was young my parents got a divorce when i was in 4th grade. I remember that my father had to pay my mother $2,000 every month and a lot of things changed for my dad. We had to move to a diff. house and it was very hard but in the end every thing worked out fine. Also i bet the reason he wont's a smaller wedding is because the 1st time it was probably very hectic and he doesn't wont that again. When my mother got re-married her wedding was very small just close family and friends no 1 special. So don't feel like your boy friend doesn't love you has much as his first wife he probably loves you more ( he did get a divorce from his 1st wife) So don't worry.

Answer 3

I am my husband's second wife, and I do not think that just because he wants a small wedding means he loves you less than his first. If I were you, I would let him know that you want to have a "real" wedding, not just in some chapel along the Interstate somewhere that the two of you just happen to stop at one day out of the blue. Not that you would do that, just trying to put an example out there for you. Sit him down and discuss your feelings with him, let him know that you want him to be fully aware of everything that is going to happen in your wedding plans, and that you would love for him to be a part of the whole thing, not just the I DOs. Maybe he does feel like the second time around is no big deal, but for you it is a big deal!! And if you want him to show interest, then you must share your feelings with him about it, if he wants and loves you as much as you think, he will be glad to be involved. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

If you have feelings that you are going to be shorted as a 2nd wife, then maybe marriage is not the right option for you right now. My advice to you is take more time to focus on strengthening your relationship with you fiance. Every relationship/ marriage is a new slate, and you should not feel that you are being shorted. You have to stop comparing your relationship to the way his relationship was with his ex wife. There should be no form of comparison at all. You and your fiance love each other, you two choose how the relationship goes, and the ex wife is merely the mother of your fiance's son.

You two sound like you have not been together long. Give things more time to develop before you get married. My suggestion would be to hold off the marriage for quite some time and focus on the pieces and parts of the relationship. Right now you have insecurity in many aspects of the relationship, and that is a red flag! Do not get married until things develop in a better fashion and when their is full security in the relationship.

Answer 5

Are you absolutely sure that you want to marry this man? He probably thinks huge weddings are a waste of money because the first wedding cost a fortune, but the marriage did not last. Maybe he is hoping with a small wedding, the marriage will be better. Since it is your first marriage, talk to him and tell him that some type of formal wedding would make you very happy. If you are unable to agree on this, don't expect too much in the future.

Answer 6

Just because money is short doesn't mean you can't feel like a princess.Its your day and you need to tell Tom how you feel a thrown together nuptial that he isn't in to doesn't give a great example to his son either.Its not the cost but, the interest let him know that also maybe a ceremony that includes his son will make it an easier transition for him too.
About the house you need to make sure your name is on it and talk to a lawyer because if you don't do it right and something happens to Tom the boy and ex wife will get your house. My lawyer informed me of this just wanted to pass it on.

Answer 7

This wedding should be what you want it to be. With that said, you MUST be honest with your fiance and let him know that although he's been through this all before, this is something HUGE to you and you need his love and support. Inviting his child into a key role in the wedding may help him get more excited about it. But if you go into this, conceding every step of the way, you'll regret it and resent him for it later. Be sure not to keep bringing up the past, to love and take in his child as if he/she were yours and be honest every step of the way. Best wishes!!!

Answer 8

I am in the same boat. Set an amount on how much you want the wedding to cost and see if he will agree. But believe me when I say that don't worry about what he and his ex had.. It will just bring you down and make you start questioning his love for you like it seems to be doing already. Leave the past alone and focus on what you guys future can hold.

Answer 9

Well, at least you know what you are in for, and you have to decide whether you want that kind of life. His first wife and children will always come first, and you will have to accept that and deal with it. He is right to want a small wedding, because it's his second. If you want something different, you would have to choose a different man....

Answer 10

im sure hes just not as excited because eveything is more exciting the first time,but the big question is... does he love you ? do you know this with all of your heart? if so, dont worry about the other stuff. And I mean all the other stuff , this wont be the only "stuff" youll have to deal with in a marriage. Love is all that matters my dear.